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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

311 replies

Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:36

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me Blush.

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree. Hmm
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

OP posts:
hesterton · 21/06/2017 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 21/06/2017 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigeondujour · 21/06/2017 06:41

Yeah, not appropriate. She doesn't get to write you out for social media. I can understand her not wanting to say 'stepdaughter' but that's why people have given names. When your ex spoke to her what was the outcome?

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 06:42

I would call her myself and tell her she's your daughter and is not and will never be hers. The second your ex splits up she'll be gone, parents are forever. Then keep her away, let her see her dad without crazy woman until she learns her place (or he puts her in it.)

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:44

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings. Hmm

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/06/2017 06:45

With the examples you've given i think it's a fine line between ''gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids'' which i think is ok, because there IS 2 kids in the family and one parent is bio (hate the term) and ''proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam'' which is blatantly calling DD her own. Wouldn't like that.

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 06:46

Tell her that you won't be sharing your kid with the stupid bitch. I'd be keeping my kid away from her tbh.

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 06:46

And raising hell.

Smarshian · 21/06/2017 06:46

As a child of divorce I grew up with 2 dads and call them both dad. My step dad refers to me as his daughter and I refer to him as dad. I still have plenty of contact with my real dad and he has never made it an issue. Honestly I would just be happy that she is so good with your daughter and that she wants to treat her so well. It is really important that they have a good relationship! On the other hand with regards to her going there an extra afternoon a week, I would say no if you would prefer to spend time with her yourself.

Laiste · 21/06/2017 06:47

I can understand her wanting to maintain the relationship between your DD and her step brother. More odd to be talking about splitting IMO.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:48

It's really difficult as with ex's job he can be called away to an emergency or working overtime and she is often left with step mum (they don't tell me this has happened but dd does.)

OP posts:
KanielOutis · 21/06/2017 06:49

Is how you feel about your daughters step mother clouding your judgement? How does your daughter feel? I have a step mum who I call mum and who calls me her daughter. And my husband is not my children's father but he calls them his children and they call him dad. It's how the people directly involved feel comfortable.

gamerwidow · 21/06/2017 06:50

I think this is incredibly hard for you but good for your daughter.
It's great that she has a step mum who genuinely loves her and wants a relationship with her.
I think the fact that she would want her in her life even after a break up so she could have a relationship with her half sibling is the decent thing to do.
No one will ever replace you and you should let this go.
I say this as a child who called both my dad and step dad 'dad'. I would have hated anyone to tell my stepdad he couldn't call me his daughter.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:52

I have no idea why this bugs me so much but even reading some of your replies has made me (very unmumsnetty) tearful Sad.

I know it's silly but every time I hear it so read it it's horrible.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/06/2017 06:52

I think this is incredibly hard for you but good for your daughter

Spot on.

louisejxxx · 21/06/2017 06:53

I appareciate how irritating it must be, but the part I'd be more concerned with is her wanting to have her when your ex isn't there - that'd be a big no no from me, as I'd want dd with me if she wasn't going to be spending the time with her dad.

Toffeelatteplease · 21/06/2017 06:53

Is your DD happy?

If so I really would drop it. Sounds like they are quite a secure family unit, is far as step families go that's pretty cool and good for your DD. I wouldn't predict break ups and who will be there and who won't, these things really aren't predictable.

If shes happy and step family are happy, you would be the one causing drama on this and thats going to be really hard on your DD.

needastrongone · 21/06/2017 06:53

I think you need to place how your daughter feels and how she treats her above all else, as hard as that isSmile

GenerationYmember · 21/06/2017 06:54

To be fair I can see why she would still want her son in contact with your daughter (if they did split) because they are half siblings too and deserve right to see each other.

I agree with everything else you said though, especially the fb post, thats really bizarre.

Fwiw, I have a step daughter who's been in my life since she was about 1 (she's 6 now). She has little contact with her mum so I've practically raised her along with my DH and I still havent' refer to her as "my daughter" (esp on social media) out of respect for her mother. I just say we have 3 children (DH and I have two sons) together.

jmh740 · 21/06/2017 06:54

It sounds like she is trying hard to make your daughter part of their family which she is. I wouldn't be too happy about her referring to 'my daughter' but I can understand her comment on fathers day.

curlii103 · 21/06/2017 06:54

Sone odd responses here. Yesuts probably annoying and yes sfes your biological daughter this woman is going to marry your ex and has s baby with him. Personally I'd suck it up know that your het mother and when you're not there your daughter is made to feel like part of the family and not an outsider or different to her little brother

dailyshite · 21/06/2017 06:55

So much bitterness on here.

Sounds like the woman loves your daughter and considers her as much a part of the family as the son that she and your ex share. The important thing is that your daughter feels safe, loved and cared for and not at the centre of some bitter argument between jealous parents.

Biology isn't everything, this woman sounds like she has stepped up and taken on a role in your daughter's life and plans to be there very long term. To be fair, the fact that you have asked, via ExH, for her to stop and she hasn't, isn't on but IMO the fact that you said that in the first place isn't putting your daughter first but your own insecurities.

Family isn't just about biology.

ClopySow · 21/06/2017 06:56

but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me

What does your daughter want?

My kids wanted to spend more time at their dads, sometimes when he wasn't there, when their half sister was born.

teaping · 21/06/2017 06:57

I can understand how difficult that must be, but your daughter is very clear that you are her mummy and therefore, does it really matter, apart from the emotional aspect for you?

The most important thing is that your DD is loved and well cared for at all times. So many step-family arrangements involve difficulty and resentment and previous children not being fully included. I think it's wonderful that this lady welcomes her so openly and genuinely into her 'new family unit, and whilst I can appreciate it must be hard for you to swallow, kicking up a fuss about it could cause a whole host of other problems /damage which would be a lot worse.

Try and focus only on what's right for your DD and her wellbeing and put your emotions to the side, hard as that is.

HildaOg · 21/06/2017 06:59

Draw your boundaries now. You are the one and only mother. You don't need to suck anything up. This woman needs to know her place. Put her in it otherwise she will be crossing more boundaries with you and your child forever.