AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

It sounds like you've got a great situation there. My DS doesn't see his dad because his new women doesn't want children in her life that isn't hers. You could have it much much worse. So get over yourself and focus on your DDs happiness.

Don't start an argument with this women because your insecurities at being replaced. It won't happen, you still are and will always be her mother. But it's good growing up to feel loved.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot, if you had a partner who was good to your dd, but your ex told him to knock it off. Or you were a step parent putting a lot of time and effort to make the child's life happier and the mother was behaving as you are suggesting.

I think some of you on here lack compassion. The OP has stated that the woman is nice enough and she is grateful that the woman is involved with her daughter but it doesn't alter the fact the OP's daughter is NOT her daughter. And for her to be publicly calling that is not on. It is bloody insensitive.

I would call your ex again and tell him you are not happy that it's still going on. You could also request that they refrain from posting/mentioning your daughter on social media.

With regards to her going their place for an extra afternoon a week, float the idea that the son could cone to yours to place as her Dad won't be there, I think she may soon back down.

Good luck OP

I think the fact that the step Mum now has a child of her own, ask her how she would feel if someone else referred to themselves as Mum.

My children went through a phase of calling me by my first name. I hated it. Only 2 people in the world can call me Mum and I explained that to them.

But it is also lovely that the step Mum does love and care for your child. I wouldn't stop any contact, I would encourage it. My best friend is a step Mum.

I think it's a bit different to having two dads as presumably the step dad moved into the family home and took on full time parenting. As your DD lives with you then the step mum has no right calling her 'my daughter' as it isn't as if she is raising her in lieu of you.

I wouldn't like it one little bit. It irks me when MIL refers to my boys as "my babies"
No, they aren't your babies, they are mine!!
Anyway, I digress (can you tell it annoys the shit out of me)
I would be feeling the same way as you OP, so just have a gentle chat - I'm sure she would understand and as a Mother, ask her how she would feel if someone referred to her DS as their DS.
It's nice she wants your DD to be a part of the family and I would be glad that she is a nice step parent.

Stepmums really just can't win can they!

It sounds as if your DD gets on well with this woman, you have stated she is nice, and she obviously cares for your DD. She's been in your DD's life since DD was 3, so if I were you I would try and be happy they have such a good relationship. Believe me, you don't want the alternative stepmum relationship.

Your DD knows you're her Mum. Nothing will change that. She does not call her stepmum mum. You DD will always have a relationship with this woman, even if she splits with your ex, because she is the mother of your DD's half brother.

I can see how/why it grinds your gears, but in the general scheme of things it's not worth ruining what appears to be a generally healthy dynamic between the 2 families, especially for your daughter's sake.

Why are you friends with her on socia media ? It's her page and she can say and phrase things how she likes, if you don't like it just remove her as a friends

If she was horrible to your dd you would be moaning, now she's trying to include her as part of the family and your moaning. Step parents can't win either way.

You may not like it but it's one of those things you have to suck up as long as your daughters happy.

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings. hmm

Surely that's commendable? Wouldn't you want your daughter to maintain a relationship with her sibling? It would be far easier to do so if both his parents are obliging.

Hilda, you sound very troubled.

The more people that love a child the better. The woman is treating your daughter the same as her son and including your daughter in her family. Suck it up I think you are being immature. I have a half sister who my mother charmingly called "water under the bridge" it has led her to having lifelong abandonment issues and needing mental health treatment. Her son, my nephew, committed suicide at 21. It passes through generations.

Dear God what a lot of bitter entitled women on here. I'm always one for defending the alleged bitter ex's on the step parenting boards because IMO they get a hard time over there when the step parents justify their lack of a relationship with their DSC, but reading this thread makes me wonder.... ] Nothing quite like viewing your child as a possession is there? And that's in response to the "keep the bitch away" type posts not necessarily the OP.

We're talking about facebook here, not a woman who has insisted the child call her mummy or claim that the OP doesn't exist. It's facebook, nothing more.

It seems very clear that she wants your daughter to be as much a part of her family as her own child, something which is rare in step parent families. And whether you like it or not, she is mother to your DD's sibling and will be for the rest of her life. If your DD is happy then that's all that matters.

Do people think that it's a warm fuzzy feeling if the children and the step parents don't get on? Well trust me I have a DS who doesn't like his SM and it's had a marked difference in the relationship with his dad as a result as he spends almost no time there now. And she befriended my DP on FB presumably to spy on us given she's shown no interest in us for four years, and my eXH wasted no time in telling my DP that he isn't DS' legal guardian while I was fighting for my life in intensive care. So yeah, all warm and fuzzy that one. . Guess where my DS stays when I end up back in hospital...... and when I eventually came round all I could think was that if I hadn't pulled through then that is the relationship my DS would have with these people who are also family. So think on that one when you're making your entitled claims to a title and dividing a family as a result.

If you don't like her facebook posts then unfollow her. But it's all about you and no-one else.

It's a tough one. I do think it's insensitive of her to refer to DD as her daughter on FB but in general she sounds over-enthusiastic rather than anything else. If you were to say anything to her about it, you would be putting your feelings first and potentially causing conflict in a situation your DD seems to be happy with. That said, I guess you may need some way of communicating that she has crossed a line and I would do that through DD's dad rather than directly to her. I would try to be even-handed eg "I know X does loads for DD and they have a great relationship but I don't think it's appropriate for her to call DD her daughter on Facebook. Please ask her not to. Thanks.". The end. No threats, no consequences. Unfollow them both on Facebook and tell mutual friends not to report back, because it's not doing you any good to have that level of insight into their life.

About DD spending "extra" time round there, are you letting your feelings about SM cloud your response? If it was a grandparent, auntie or good friend, what would you say? If it doesn't suit you, say no. If it suits or you think Dd would like to go, say yes and think of it as a playdate rather than extra contact.
I am in the opposite position in a way. My DSDs and occasionally their mum take DS out to the park etc. If they wanted to do that on a Monday morning, I would say no as that's when we go swimming. If they suggested Monday afternoon and I had no plans, I would say yes, clean the bathroom without him under my feet and have a hot cup of tea. None of them would call DS their son though.
for you OP. Blended families are hard work. Your DD sounds happy and that's great.

I can't believe some of the responses on here! Step-mums can't win either way.

OP - I know it's a bitter pill to swallow but your DD seems happy and loved and that's all that should really matter. I think your DD is extremely lucky to have a blended family that works so well and so many people who love and care for her.

I think you do need to accept that they are a family and there is nothing wrong with EX'sDP saying that, the daughter might be a step too far but overall it isn't a big deal.

If you weren't using social media OP would you be aware of this? I only ask because I found not looking at social media and dissecting every post by EXP and SM quite liberating. It's frustrating getting a little window on a world that your DC are part of without you.
Look at the bigger picture as people have said; your DD is well cared for and loved.
Personally I wouldn't be happy sending DD over for an extra afternoon but what would your DD want?

i get that you don't feel comfortable about it, but if she made a point of referring to her as 'step-d' in every sentence/post then she leaves herself open to claims of 'making dd feel different'.

as long as your dd doesn't call her 'mum' i don't see the issue with it.

DD losing one of her days with you = No, unless DD herself really wants to go.

Calling DD her daughter = Very upsetting for you, can totally understand it must feel horrible, but again, if DD is happy with it, fine, if she's not, explain that she's not comfortable with it.

Go with DD's wishes.

Yanbu. Your dd is not her daughter - not even stepdaughter yet. It is deeply insensitive of her
I bet she would not like some other woman claiming to be her son's mother!
Have you warned her off yet?

Who'd be a step mum

You're supposed to care, but not too much. Like your step children, but not enough to want to see them when your husband isn't there.

You're supposed to treat the the children the same as your children but never refer to them as your children (even if you've brought them up and other than birth you ARE the parent)

So basically love them, but not too much

I get why you're upset op but what she puts on fb is irrelevant. I would be SO HAPPY that she loved my child and wanted to spend time with her. There are so many threads on here about the opposite. If your dd Is happy then I think you need to get over it.

I had too many people who loved me growing up, said no one ever. Different if people are fighting over you, making you choose. How difficult to put a child in that position.

As previous posters said, you will always be her mum. But having other people who care about her seems to be a good thing and hugely better than the alternative. I've always been a bit about people who never see their DSC if they split up with their DPs after many years. How hurtful for the children.

Facebook can be a nightmare for making you envious. I'd definitely mute her on Facebook, so you can't see her posts.

Well said WannaBe, that was beatifully put, (I hope you are better now by the way) you sound like a really nice caring person. It is difficult when families join up after divorce. When I got together with my second DH my oldest son then 12, called him "the NEW old man", thats what they put in Father Day cards, they called him by his first name, a couple of times my youngest DS called him "dad", then said I mean -, we have a DD together, my kids consider her their sister, not step-sister. I dont like young children calling adults by their first names, but they have to call them something. As you say WannaBe if anything Had happened to you, the step-mum would have been the one lookin after your child. Have a word with ypur daughter, see what she feels, you dont have any formal arrangement, sounds as though you are really lucky with this lady. One of my DCs exs new GF wont allow his (very young) kids in her house, (although we all welcome hers) makes life very difficult for all concerned, I feel sorry for the kids.

God forbid she loves and treats you daughter decently.

Where is Snow Whites stepmother when you need her?

Stop following her on Facebook and be glad she loves your daughter. Problem solved.

"Yanbu. Your dd is not her daughter - not even stepdaughter yet. It is deeply insensitive of her" oh what rubbish. She lives with the child's father, has a child by him, is related to the child through her and her partner's mutual child. Let's not pretend that marriage is some holy grail which suddenly affords someone the title of step parent shall we?

As for the extra afternoon a week, no the OP doesn't have to accept that, but it's equally possible that in a few years time the DD may choose to spend extra time at her father's house, with her sibling, and it would surely be preferable that she feel comfortable being able to do that regardless of whether her father is there or not.

I would never refer to my dsd as my own daughter as that would be over stepping the boundaries, but if I was to congratulate her for anything like that it would be out of love for her. I think it also depends on the length of the relationship and what the DD thinks about it.

As other posters have said it shows she loves your daughter, that should be your concern.

I don't see it mentioned but what does DD feel about it? Surely her opinion is the most important factor?

Stepkids are a challenge but their needs trump everything else. I tried to minimise refering to mine as "step" as much as possible because I didn't want them to feel different or second best to their sibling who was mine biologically. At the same time, I didn't want them to feel conflicted or that they had to choose between me and their dad. I explained to them that they had a dad and that whilst I would always treat them as my own, how they viewed me was their choice. I wholly discouraged them calling me dad for that reason.
On my first birthday after my (step)daughter turned 16, I opened my card from her and it said "to dad" on it. She smiled and said she was old enough now to decide what she called me and she's called me dad ever since. My (step)son and I are just as close but he uses dad and my name in equal measure. The main thing is, they're happy, they feel loved and know they are every bit as much loved by me as my natural children are. The kids are also so close and love each other so much it would bring a tear to a glass eye.
Put your daughter's emotional needs first OP. If she appears happy with her stepmum referring to her as her daughter, just be happy for her that she feels loved and part of both families. Too many kids get fucked up by the stresses mixed families put on them, either with a stepparent who they feel resents them or feeling caught in the middle of bitterness between the adults in their life. If you make a big deal of this for your own personal reasons it is the child that will feel the tension you create the most.