AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

I've raised 2 step-daughters, my husband got custody when he and his ex-wife divorced. They were 8 and 6 when I moved in and took over the main carer role. That said, they always called me by my first name and I referred to them as my step-daughters, especially if someone called them my daughters - checkouts etc 'good girls helping mummy' situations.
As they got older and when my husband and I had children of our own, they would call me mummy in front of the younger children but by my name if talking to me directly.
Their mother was never very happy about the situation but we muddled through. Sadly she died nearly 5 years ago and since then, they have stopped correcting people if I get called their mum, it's easier.
I can see what your ex's fiancée is doing - she's trying to make life as normal as possible for the children as they are what is most important here, her child too. It's a common fact of life nowadays, people split and we have blended families - if you show your daughter that you're not happy with her soon to be step-mother calling her her daughter, it's you that will get the flack and fallout.
My only advice would be to bite your tongue in front of your daughter, ask her if she'd like to spend more time with her little brother during the week, if she does - let it happen, if she's doesn't, don't! Building their relationship is vital for ultimately happy families!
It's a tough road, sending hugs and

I have a half sister on dads side (now 50). My mum has known her since she was a baby. My Mum always says she has 2 daughters, grandchildren thru sister etc and my sister gives my Mum mothers day cards. She also called her step dad Dad and walked up the aisle with our dad on one side and SD on the other. I think this is nice and normal/healthy.

It's not just annoyance, it sounds like there's fear driving this reaction. Find out what it is and deal with it because at the end of the day, this woman loves your daughter and its better for your DD and you that she does.

If you start trying to call the shots you could damage a relationship that's really important to your DD because it supports the relationship she has with her father. What would happen if she decided not to take up your DD's father's childcare slack? It really isn't a case of you telling her to butt out whilst benefiting from her positive contributions.

Personally, I think not having a formal arrangement is complicating things because the boundaries and parameters aren't clear.

There is a way when you can discuss your concerns with her without letting your annoyance sour the relationship but you do need to know what's fuelling your annoyance first.

Do not follow HildaOg's brand of Donald Rumsfeld diplomacy.

that than her not.

Actually I think it must be lovely for the girl to feel loved, welcomed and totally accepted by her stepmother. How often we hear to the contrary.
What is the actual problem with it? Jealousy on your part? That's understandable but not constructive or necessary. Your daughter will always know you are her mother so what's wrong with having someone else who loves her in her life? Sounds more like your insecurities than anything the stepmother has actually done wrong.

If she is nice, OP, she may understand if you simply tell her that you would rather she didn't use the word "daughter". She doesn't have to use the term anyway - most people I know just use the names of their dc, or nickname, or whatever. I also think that you are absolutely reasonable and doing the right thing wanting your daughter with you for the afternoon you mentioned - just nicely say that to the step mother!

I also think that your dc should be leading here - if she ever wants to call her "mum" then you may want to re- think, but until then the step mother should definitely hold off. You could explain that to the step mother too.

HildaOg: I would call her myself and tell her she's your daughter and is not and will never be hers. The second your ex splits up she'll be gone, parents are forever. Then keep her away, let her see her dad without crazy woman until she learns her place (or he puts her in it.)

It is VERY understandable for you to feel upset. Please, do NOT do the above.

The most important person here is your daughter. If your ex's wife considers her part of the family and treats her as her own, that is only a good thing.

One of the saddest posts I've read was from a step parent who clearly did not regard her stepson as part of the family. He was at best an afterthought.

I know it hurts. But please, before you do anything, think how your actions will affect your DD.

I'm a Step parent and have been in my SS life since he was six, he is 14 now. My husband and I have a child together he is two.
I have always spent time just myself and my step son, it has been 50/50 for a long time, and more recently he has lived with us.
I refer to when people say how many children do you have, I say two. And then say a 2year old and a 14year old SS if they ask. I refer to them as the kids in conversation... or the boys or my boys. However i wouldn't call my SS my son in a fb post... I'm not a massive social media person.
However I can see that perhaps she doesn't want there to be any differences between the children and for your daughter to feel left out in the future? Personally I'd be fine with the extra afternoon as your daughter will be building the bond with her sibling. Which when she is older she will more than likely get on better with than any parent!
I'd maybe be happy that she loves your daughter so much? You read some horror stories here and on netmums about new babies coming along and new mums not wanting step kids around all the time. I'd if you can just embrace it.

I think this is fine. My DC's step mum calls them her daughters. It niggled at first but I think it's great for them they have someone in the life who loves them and recognises their achievements. She was an absolute rock during the teenage years when I really struggled. She backed me up 100%.

My XH and the DW/SM have since split and both married again. The girls remain in contact with her. They have a lovely relationship.

I understand that it's difficult for you. Of course you find it hard. But it's better this way than for you daughter to have a step mother who sees her as being second best to her own kids. Your daughter is lucky to have so many people who love her.

Recently DPs kids were chatting about their Mums bf. They said they refer to him as 'spare Dad'. I have no doubt that it was painful for DP to hear them referring to someone else as Dad, but he didn't show it to the kids. He wants them to be happy and secure and he is grateful that Mums bf is so good with the kids.

I do call them "our kids", but when talking about the stepson only, I'd not "my son", but "my stepson". I might say "the older ones" without indicating biological parentage. I would indeed have wanted contact had there been a split (DSS now almost grown up), because they are indeed siblings.

I think your DD is fortunate to have someone in her life who clearly loves her and even refers to her as her daughter. I think you would have a reason to complain if her stepmother was unpleasant.

I can see why this hurts like hell but it would be so much worse if she didn't like / love your DD and worked to cut her out of her second family and from her DF.

Try and focus on the fact that she loves your DD. Wanting to stay in touch irrespective of her relationship with her DF is good as your DD does have a half sibling with her.

That said, I wouldn't let her go when the DF definitely isn't going to be there.

All those people claiming I'm insane; insanity is trying to appropriate someone else's kid as your own. The stepmother is being massively disrespectful. Op is not obliged to share her kid with her and she shouldn't if she doesn't want to. She, not exes new wife, is the mother and no amount of play pretend will change that.

I wish some could step away from giving advice that is not in the best interests of the child.

I have always referred to my step daughters as my children, and it has never, ever occurred to me that this might be inappropriate.

I have known them for over 18 years now and they certainly consider me to be their parent.

Their mother also refers to me as their parent - as in 'you have four parents and we all want to see you do what's right...' and we consider their step father to be their parent too.

Put frankly this is what decent people who want the best for their children do - my children (all of them) are secure and loved. They have never heard an unpleasant word spoken about their parents or step parents and when there are difficult conversations to be had they always happened, amongst the four of us behind closed doors.

This said Facebook is a fairly new thing and I am not sure that I would have posted something such as that, but I did put a post up the other day of the three referring to them as my 'babies' - which they clearly aren't as they are all grown ups!

there are so many nightmare stories on here about stepmothers, I'd be really happy that she has such a strong bond with your daughter. She doesn't call her Mum. She knows who her Mum is:you! You'd be more annoyed if she was leaving your daughter out, treating her differently to their son. I also hate hate hate the word "stepmother) father" and can understand why she prefers just to use mother/daughter

Hilda children are not possessions to be "shared" ffs.

HildaOg yes, the mother should be obliged to accept it. Bearing in mind that this is only facebook we're talking about, the OP is perfectly at liberty to unfollow the stepmother's posts if she doesn't want to see her child being referred to as daughter. But the reality here is that when parents separate, they will inevitably get together with new partners who will, where possible, form a large part of the child's upbringing. That's not something which any other parent should have a say in.

Also bear in mind that if the OP died tomorrow this stepmother would be the mother figure in the daughter's life. It is far preferable that there is a positive relationship than one of negativity, hate and non-acceptance.

And the final thing which people need to consider is the fact that while people are staking their claims over a seven year old child, that seven year old child will grow into a teenager and subsequently adult and no-one will have any rights to decide how she views either parent or step parent, however if parents and step parents have toccic relationships with her as a child then chances are that their adult relationships will be compromised as a result.

I have a friend who is married and together they have three children, one is his, one is hers and one together. On Mother's Day my friends DSD's bio mum wrote a lovely Facebook post thanking my friend for being A mum to her own daughter (not HER mum but A mum). She thanked her for treating her daughter the same way she did both girls, she thanked her for seeing her as a daughter and making her as much a part of her life as her own DD by doing sprts days, days out, sharing in her successes etc.
They have a bloody brilliant family dynamic, where each parent accepts and is grateful for the other's involvment in their child's life.

It reminds me a bit of Kailynn (spelling?) and Jo on Teen Mom 2, Jo and his wife help her to looked after both her kids and welcome them all in to the family, even if it did take a long time.

My son has been in the same position as your DD with my ex being in your position. My DS wanted to call my new OH 'dad' because the new baby will. DS already calls OH dad to other people but knows the difference between his step-dad and bio dad. DS does this because he wants to feel like he is as much our child together as the baby. OH also refers to both kids as his because he cares for and loves DS as much as our child together. If we were to split up then OH wants to keep in contact with DS. My ex hates this and has made this apparent to DS. DS doesn't even mention my OH or his brother to my ex because of the position ex puts him in if he does "not your real dad", "not as important as me", "not your proper brother" and so on (much like some of the comments here). If has confused, upset and knocked my DS for six. He wasn't doing anyone any harm, nor was my OH, but he was made to feel like it was. Don't do that to your daughter OP.

Be thankful someone else loves your child, wants to be in her life and sees her as much a part of her family as her own child. Appreciate this woman's desire to spend time with your child and the affection she is showing her, to the point where she will continue to foster good relationships if your ex and her split, all for the good of your DD.

This woman is marrying your ex and, like it or not, will always be connected in some way to your DD due to her brother. Make it as easy as possible for DD, even if it is hard to begin with.

Totally inappropriate and undermining your role as the true mother

Op is not obliged to share her kid with her

Seriously. She's a child, not some possession to be "shared"

You sound totally unhinged Hilda

I have two stepparents, never called either of them by anything but their first names. They are my parents' partners, not my parents.

I have half and step brothers, however. They're all my brothers, no question.

DS has 3 sets of grandparents and calls them all some variation of grandparently names, no first names. I'm fine with that. For him, I take the view that the more people there are on his team, the better. And he's never known anything different.

I can kind of see both sides - it would annoy the crap out of me, and actually be quite hurtful, if someone else called DS their son. He's not. OTOH, a kid having people love and support them is so important.

If this woman is not undermining you in other ways, I'd be tempted to just leave it. I think you have to focus on how your DD feels. I know it must sting but surely everyone else knows your DD is not her 'bio' DD? It's just one person.

I'm a step-daughter. Have been for 30 yrs.

I don't differential between Dad and Step-Dad, I don't differentiate between siblings and half-siblings and I would be devastated if my step Dad said I wasn't his daughter.

But I do know who is who and always have done.

There's no need for this competition. It's destructive and pointless in both the long and short term.

Your daughter is very fortunate to have so many people that love her.

@smarshain

As a child of divorce I grew up with 2 dads and call them both dad. My step dad refers to me as his daughter and I refer to him as dad. I still have plenty of contact with my real dad and he has never made it an issue.

Thing is, from what you say, your stepdad raised you. The OP's daughter is living with her, not the dad and his new woman. What's more, I know several people who were raised by stepdads from 5-8 ish and of course they know him as dad, but they don't CALL him dad unless they have no contact with their birth dad. Every last person I know whose mum has remarried, calls their stepdad stepdad even if they have been with their mum since they were 4 or 5. (Except one woman whose dad fucked off when she was one, and her stepdad has been around since she was 2 so she has only known this dad.)

Calling your stepdad 'DAD' when you have your 'birth dad' in your life is very odd. The OP has every right to be fucked off. The step mum sounds lovely and the little girl is very lucky to have such a lovely STEP MUM, and she is not a stupid bitch as some have said, but she has, in no way on earth, no RIGHT to call the OP's little girl HER DAUGHTER.

Not on any planet. No. Just no. She needs to meet the STEPMUM for coffee and say she is uncomfortable with it.

She is not bitter or jealous or unreasonable, and neither is anyone on here. And the OP does not need to 'SUCK IT UP.' No way God's earth would another woman be calling my daughter HER daughter. It's not OK, it's weird, and the woman needs pulling up on it. I bet her social media chums think she's fucking nuts calling the girl HER DAUGHTER. I would if I saw someone do that. Step daughter yes, but daughter? No.

No. Fucking. Way.