Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

311 replies

Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 06:36

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me Blush.

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree. Hmm
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

OP posts:
hesterton · 21/06/2017 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WallisFrizz · 21/06/2017 07:01

The calling her daughter stuff I would maybe try and get over. YANBU for not liking it though.

However, there is no way I would send dd over there one afternoon a week just so step mum can see her. Say no to that unless it suits you.

Sirzy · 21/06/2017 07:01

I can understand why you struggle with it. But surely the important bit is that she is very much loved by all the adults around her?

So often we hear of children from previous relationships being pushed to one side and treated differently when new siblings come along and in this case her step mum is making every effort to make her just as much a part of the family as her brother is - that's great for your Daughter isn't it?

DoJo · 21/06/2017 07:02

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings. hmm

See, I think this is admirable- she's demonstrating that she's in it for the long haul, and didn't just think of your daughter as her husband's child but a member of her family. Would your daughter not want to see her?

As a child who has had one step parent who really laboured the point that our relationship was purely a function of their marriage, and one who always treated me like a daughter, I know which made me feel most secure. I can understand that it must be difficult for you, but it sounds like she genuinely loves your daughter.

user1492287253 · 21/06/2017 07:03

the social media thing would bug me. but in the overall scheme of things it sounds like your daughter had 2 loving homes. if you are happy with the custody split then keep it that way.

DermotTheSprog · 21/06/2017 07:03

I was a step mum. Not a good one I'm afraid to say but it is a difficult position. You are supposed to put yourself in a parental role but accept no acknowledgement. If my children were to have a step parent I would want them to have the most caring, loving one possible -who would love them as I do, who would prioritise them along with their own children. Of course it might rankle that someone else may be as important to them as I am but in that case they are more important than I. Your daughter and you are lucky that there is someone else willing to offer the love and care she does. Especially since she has had her own child and is still willing to gush over your daughter. Nothing can change the fact that she is your daughter but she has the potential to have one extra adult in her life willing to love and support her. What on earth can be wrong with that? Is it about your hurt feelings?

londonrach · 21/06/2017 07:03

Op..your dd lucky to have so many people that love her. Sounds like step mum is trying to make dd feel included. I know its hard but ill let this one go for the benefit for dd. What does your dd think. Hildaog..very strong words and saying that would be totally wrong.

DisneyMillie · 21/06/2017 07:04

I agree with those that said it's hard to hear but I think it's great for your dd. She gets two families who love her. You see so often where the stepmum tolerates or resents the step child - I'd be very grateful that she loves your dd like a mum. She can't replace you but love isn't finite - your dd can have two mums.

(And I say this being in almost exactly the same situation - I'd love my dd stepmum to feel this way and I always try and encourage a positive relationship).

Not sure id agree to the extra day though.

Malfoyy · 21/06/2017 07:04

I think that her referring to your DD as hers is a bit peculiar and that you need to be the one to raise it with her. Going through ex would inflame it I think. Just be honest about it. All the behind the back / going through others makes it a bigger deal than it is.

As for her wanting DD an extra afternoon and keeping her there when ex is called away I see nothing wrong with this. She wants the kids to bond, she wants to include your DD, that's lovely and so much better than wicked stepmother!

As for when he is called away, they are part of a family, why would they need to send your DD back to you because he's not there? I can picture a different MN post titled 'stepmother sends DD back every time ex goes away and ruins all my plans/work' etc

Stepmom sounds sweet. You sound sweet. Common ground?!

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2017 07:04

Yes YABU. It's not great being the child in a family that emphasises the "step" every verse end. And how you ex organises childcare when your dd is with him is not up to you. Your dd has a second family, embrace that. It doesn't detract from your place in her life.

JacquesHammer · 21/06/2017 07:05

Tell her that you won't be sharing your kid with the stupid bitch. I'd be keeping my kid away from her tbh

Really? She's a "stupid bitch" for caring very much about her stepdaughter? Step-mums can't win can they?

Poor woman.

OP - I would say nothing. If your daughter is happy that's all that matters

Purplemac · 21/06/2017 07:06

YANBU but some of these responses are really mean. I have a DSD and whilst I would never call her my daughter, I do often refer to her as "my girl" or "my kid" which seems a bit further removed. The same way she doesnt call me mum but will say that I am her parent. No need to call her crazy or withdraw contact when your dd is clearly so loved and looked after.

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings. Hmm

She has been helping to raise your daughter for 4 years. I have been helping to raise my 7 year old dsd for 5 years and I have mentioned the same thing to my husband - if we split up, I would still want regular contact with my dsd perhaps once a month until she is old enough to manage her free time herself, because she has been a part of my family for 5 yeara. Your dd stepmum probably feels the same. And the comment about them being "proper siblings"Hmm seems quite nasty. They are "proper siblings".

Zampa · 21/06/2017 07:06

I'm a stepmother and would never dream of referring to my step-children as my son and daughter (have known them for 6 years now). They have a Mummy and that's not me. It doesn't change how much I care for them.

They call their stepfather "Daddy" (initially at the instigation of their Mum) and DP was very upset by it at the beginning. However, I think as PPs have advised, he realises now that it's what makes the children happy and it doesn't diminish him in their eyes at all.

OP - it sounds as if, with this issue to one side, your families are working well together. I'd ask your ex to understand your feelings but after that, put things to one side. It's not worth creating any unnecessary conflict.

Pengggwn · 21/06/2017 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameNotANumber · 21/06/2017 07:07

My friend was the child in a similar situation (pre Facebook days of course).

She liked that her SM loved her and didn't differentiate whereas her SD was very clear that she was not his and treated her differently (as did his family).

Your DD is very lucky to have loving adults in her life.

sofato5miles · 21/06/2017 07:08

As a child of divorced parents, I think it is nice but then by stepmother was awful. I now have my half sister back in my life and we are very close. She is my sibling.

Original poster
Supermagicsmile · 21/06/2017 07:08

Purplemac - the term proper siblings came from her, not me!

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/06/2017 07:09

The second your ex splits up she'll be gone

Wow, harsh.

They may not split up and if they do, would you really keep sisters and brothers apart?

Would you really not want to foster a relationship between two siblings.

I understand how the OP feels but some of the responses are unnecessary.

As for calling her step daughter daughter I am torn, but does the daughter mind?

Laiste · 21/06/2017 07:10

I don't want to do armchair psychology OP, but are you projecting your hurt or anger over the break up with DDs dad onto this? Totally understandable btw, but perhaps that's what's going on here.

I think we call all imagine how it would feel hearing another woman call our child 'hers'. Not nice. I think i'd ask for that not to happen.

However, the other bits, like spending time and wanting to protect the relationship with DDs half brother is good stuff for your DD, and part of her blending with her other loving family.

drinkingtea · 21/06/2017 07:10

Some of these comments are a bit ott - if she's been with DD's dad 4 years and is the mother of DD's half sibling she isn't going to disappear and it's very different to a brand new girlfriend going alarmingly ott in trying to stake a claim to DD.

I'm a bit paranoid about what would happen to the kids if one of us died as we have no family who would realistically take on all 3, so I'd suck up the personal hurt of someone else using the word daughter because I'd enjoy knowing she'd be in a loving family in the unlikely event I was ever hit by a bus...

I absolutely and completely agree it is overstepping boundaries to call her "my daughter" publicly, rather than use her name, but it is millions of times better that she loves her as if she were her own than if she resented her.

I would turn down extra contact when dad isn't going to be there if there's no good reason (i.e if she's just going to hang around the house rather than having something planned for half sibling that she realised after arranging it DD might enjoy... Not sure what that would be when sibling is so young though). However I would not want to be abrasive about it as some on here suggest! It sounds as if the step mum is a fairly permanent fixture and it is better for DD that her step mum loves her.

JacquesHammer · 21/06/2017 07:11

However, there is no way I would send dd over there one afternoon a week just so step mum can see her. Say no to that unless it suits you

Why on earth? This is a major adult in DD's life - isn't it lovely that the step-mum wants to spend time with DD rather than sees her as a chore.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/06/2017 07:12

Please do not do what Hilda suggest. The only person that would hurt is your DD. If someone said that to me then you'd have no chance, all my efforts would go on my child.

I can see why it bothers you but i don't really think it's that big of a deal. I don't think it hurts personally. A friend of mine calls her step daughters "daughters". We know she didn't give birth to them but also that she loves them a lot.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/06/2017 07:12

You catch more
Flies with honey than vinegar

Also there is alotmto be said to unfollowing her OP - what you don't know ....

Try saying 'I really appreciate all the care and affection that CXX gives DD . DD is very lucky to have such a caring step mother and sibling . However it has been bought to my attention that she is calling DD her daughter and this confuses DD / can she refrain'

And unfollow her !

lastqueenofscotland · 21/06/2017 07:15

Hilda you sound fucking unhinged.

I completely get why you are uncomfortable with this. I know ALOT of people who refer to their stepfathers as dad, mainly due to some useless biological fuckwit they never see.
Do you get on at all? I would maybe have a gentle word that while you appreciate that she clearly loves and cares for DD a lot the rhetoric is making you uncomfortable.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 21/06/2017 07:17

This would really bug me. I would absolutely have a bitch to my friends about it, have a rant on here too, ultimately I think I would paint a smile on and say no more about it though for dds benefit unless there was an opportunity for a PA dig at some point Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread