AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

I haven't RTFT but like Smarshian I am a child of divorce. Stepmom1 was manipulative and jealous of us kids and did long term damage to our relationship with our dad until they split, and lifelong emotional damage to some of my siblings. She would introduce me to the neighbours as 'a visitor from '.

Stepmom2 is kind, loving and caring (and stern when necessary). I call her son my brother and his kids my nieces. In some situations she calls me her daughter and I call her my mom. It in no way diminishes my love and respect for my real mom, and she is in no way trying to replace her.

I can understand how it might irritate you but unless you think it's insincere/she's only doing it as part of some game to get under your skin, be thankful your daughter is treated with love and embraced as an equal part of the family.

The question is AIBU to not like the situation and I think yanbu OP.

It is great that her stepmother loves her so much she calls her stepchild her daughter. Her comment about wanting to see her even if she split from her dad also sounds great. Kids benefit from being loved.

There's a lot of sucking up that has to happen when you split from your child's father and I think that it's ok not to like all of it. I would hate the situation too and I would unfollow the step mum and hope that she's not calling herself mum in front of my dd.

I must be reading a different thread to some of you. Those bleating on about 'bitter entltled women' - can you not read that the vast, vast majority of posters are on the side of the step mum.
There is one bonkers poster on the thread, but I think she/he is bonkers on most threads so I wouldn't take too much notice.
OP, I really sympathise, it would probably piss me off too, but as many have said, it's a good thing that your dd has a close relationship with this woman.
I would stop looking at her social media, and not worry about her looking after your dd when her dad is called away.
Assuming her dad has a decent amount of contact, I would say no to the request for an extra afternoon per week.
Maybe an occasional extra visit would work - if she was doing something special with her own dc and wanted to include yours?

I think there is some excellent advice on this thread and some awful advice (looking at you Hilda). You need to focus on what's good for your daughter. People who love and care for her? Or people who take every opportunity to demonstrate to a step child that they're inferior?

Friend of mine called her father & stepfather "Dad". No doubt in anyone's mind who was the natural father and who was the stepfather.

Hilda. I am so glad I'm not in your head. You are universally charming as always. 😂

It is normal and natural to feel like this op. That said, your dd is very lucky. A child can never have too much love. Please work on letting this go.

OP positive point is that DD calls her 'Mandy' not 'Mum' or 'Mandy-Mum'.
She's just trying to show her Facebook Huns how lovely her life is, there's a lot of it about. As you don't dislike her ignore it if you can. 💐

I think maybe it could be so she doesn't distinguish between the children IYSWIM. It is horrible if you feel like siblings to be always reminded that one of you is 'not quite.' I have a stepdad who calls me his daughter- it reflects the way we feel about each other. She doesn't call her stepmum 'Mum' so that relationship is unique to you. I agree, it's hard for you but great for your daughter to feel so included and loved.

I am really surprised by how many people think you should just accept this. I think it is hugely disrespectful to you. How is erasing you in this way a kind thing to do to a small child? To me it seems horribly needy, jealous and manipulative. I don't see it as a kind thing at all. I think it is a cruel thing, designed to shunt you out of their unit, and shows her insecurity and resentment. Would she be perfectly happy if you started calling their baby your son?
My friends live in a step situation, the children are almost grown up, but they have lived with their Mum and stepfather since they were small. They call him by his name. He clearly loves them enormously, that part is obviously good, but he has never tried to take over as Dad. It seems a very egocentric thing to do, I couldn't like a woman who would do this. OP I think you should ask her to take down the facebook posts and tell her calmly that you find it very odd, referring to your dd as her daughter. Ask her to stop doing this right away, and tell her that if she continues then your relationship will suffer as you will then only be able to assume that she is doing it on purpose to minimise your role in your child's life. I would also absolutely refuse the extra time there with the step mother. Is she secretly angling towards them being the main residence for your dd?
You get one mother. That is you. No-one else should be calling your child their daughter. I feel really cross on your behalf. She is stepping over a very clear boundary and I think that is on purpose not by accident.

Some of these responses are so sad. A child's love isn't finite - it expands to fit the number of people in their lives who deserve it. A child who develops a loving relationship with their step mum is doubly blessed - it doesn't mean the step mum is 'stealing' some of the love they have for their mother. I really hope that a loving parent would want their children to be loved.

Agree with @SirVixOfVixHall (Several posts up ^)

OP, I think you need to have a (quiet and pleasant) word with the stepmum. As many posters have said, she sounds lovely and your little girl is lucky to have a great stepmum, but it's not right that she's calling her, her DAUGHTER.

If she is as nice as she seems to be/makes out she is, she will respect the OP and adhere to her wishes.

Calling the OP's daughter, HER DAUGHTER is not on.

Agree with the post above.

Wow reading this is quite upsetting for me as I have a DD from a previous relationship and 2 SC...

I totally get where you are coming from and I do not call my SC mine but in the odd picture I will say my girl gang or my family because writing things and leaving them out is mean and nasty !
I wouldn't want my daughters SM saying "my daughter " but things like "our girl " etc wouldn't bother me .
I think the MOST important thing is not how you feel but how your little girl feels . Being a SM is the most challenging thing I've ever had to do so the dedication and love this woman is giving your daughter is beautiful and everyone knows she is not her bio mum .
Most importantly you DD knows you are her mummy and her world . Love is not limited so don't let her think it has to be .

This would be incredibly annoying and hurtful and i'm not surprised you feel unhappy about it. However she obviously loves your dd, which is a GOOD thing.

So imagine your worst case scenario, worst worst worst case scenario and you are no longer around. Your dd would be left with df/dsm who love her and don't treat her differently to their own child together. You are lucky that even after the birth of their ds that they still adore dd. I know it's hopefully an unlikely scenario but let that give you comfort.

re siblings thing - I loathe it when half siblings are specifically regarded as "half" and therefore not really any more joined than step siblings. There is nothing more lovely than seeing "half" siblings adore each other. Your dd won't be alone in life later on if she has a great relationship with him, as he grows up and she does please allow this to happen. She could end up feeling very resentful if she would like a relationship with him with all sets of dp/sp.

Do your u have a new partner and are you likely to have more children? If it's even a consideration wouldn't you like them to have a loving relationship too?

Don't get me wrong though, i'd be incredibly miffed pissed off too. But her feelings count just as much as yours. (dd not sm)

Would she be perfectly happy if you started calling their baby your son?
This ^ with bells on. Taking pics and snuggly 'mummy loves her little boy' rantings all over fakebook, and calling the stepmum's boy HER SON!!

How would the stepmum like that?

Yes I agree with above "If she is as nice as she seems to be/makes out then she will respect the OP and adhere to her wishes".
Ask her calmly and clearly to stop. If she apologises and stops then that's great, it will show that she was a bit over enthusiastic and thoughtlessly silly. If she doesn't, then that is a clear sign that she resents you and your role in your child's life and is trying to erase it, and is not quite as "nice" as she appears. Loving a child is a wonderful thing, no-one can argue with that. Trying to take over the role of her actual mother in a child's life is not kind at all. It is creepy.

OP I suggest you read "the Priory". Grippingly brilliant novel published by Persephone Books, with a very beautifully written section on the reality of motherhood.

I'm a step mum too. I love my stepson, I just call him by his first name, and he does me. Ive found it embarassing when people have called him my son in public, I'm not his mum,cut i do t want to feel like I'm immediately stressing that I'm not his mum, it feels like I'm stressing he's not family, when he is, so I used to reply as a joke "ooh I'm only his wicked stepmum". He's 20 now, and my Mother's Day card this year was to "the best wicked stepmum" . I've posted loads about him on social media over the years, dongratulating him on exam results, sporting achievements and going to uni etc. I'm proud of him and hope id still be in his life if something happened with me and his dad.

I can understand why you feel upset though OP. To some extent you have to accept that your family dynamics have changed and this woman is and will be a big part of your daughter's life. She may be with her when her dad is not around, she's part of his family now, and therefore part of your daughter's. Her child is related to your child, they should have a relationship. It's much better for her to feel happy and included in that family than stuck on the outside feeling second best. It doesn't mean that you're not important in her life. As a stepmum you always (or you should) give love and support knowing you're last in the chain, there are real parents above you.

I'd contact her calmly and say you're pleased that she loves your daughter and gets on well with her, but you're finding it strangely hurtful seeing her calling her daughter on social media and could she try not to. I've always tried to be respectful to my stepson's mum (even if it often doesn't come back!).

Looking at it from a negative angle, what if, just what IF, the stepmum is NOT obsessed and in love with the little girl who she calls her daughter . What if she is doing it to phase out the OP?

That is a possibility you know, and is much of a possibility as the stepmum adoring the girl as if she was her own.

Yes, it's great that the stepmum is nice to her, but I think her motives for calling the OP's daughter HER daughter should be looked at and questioned.

As I said, if she is genuine, and is as lovely as she is presenting herself, she will adhere to the OP's requests to not call the girl her daughter.

@honeyroar

I'd contact her calmly and say you're pleased that she loves your daughter and gets on well with her, but you're finding it strangely hurtful seeing her calling her daughter on social media and could she try not to. I've always tried to be respectful to my stepson's mum (even if it often doesn't come back!).

This x 1000 ^

Agree with Vix et al.

I wouldn't like it op, and I would feel hurt.

It's interesting that some of those who feel its fine use examples of having two Dads. Not many people have used examples of having two Mums. Perhaps because its very primal, very instinctive for us to be the one Mum.

I love my son's step Mum. She's been around for 10 years now and she's a great friend. However, if she started calling my son, her son, I would think she was unhinged.

A child can never have enough love, true. Parents should respect boundaries too. This woman is over-stepping and I don't see how that's healthy.

I think YANBU to find it annoying and hurtful.

But the important thing is that your daughter is OK, not being pressured to call her mum or anything.

When you are in a separated / blended family, I think you have to cede a certain level of control. I am a stepmum, and I think "let it go" is probably the advice I give myself and other stepmums the most often. I have read so many horrific accounts of exes at war and the child suffering in the middle that I think it is best to try to avoid that at all costs, unless there are properly serious fears and concerns.

So I think to you I'd say "let it go"...you've already asked once and nothing has changed. Now as a stepmum myself I think she's being quite insensitive and disrespectful to continue referring to "my daughter" (as opposed to "our kids" which I think is OK) if your ex has indeed passed along your message. But what more can you do without risking making the overall situation worse? This is our lot once we get into these separated and blended family arrangements...

Notknown I think it sounds a little batshit tbh to suggest that this stepmum is trying to "phase out" her actual mum?! As if that could even happen.

I think as others have said it's more likely that she doesn't want to differentiate between her own child and her stepchild. Since having my baby I've been so much more conscious of how I treat my stepdaughter because I don't want her to feel left out. Particularly because there have been times in the past where I've seen her more in a week than her own dad due to work so I really didn't want her to feel pushed out by her new baby sister.

Tricky one this, I have DSC and would never dream of referring to them as 'mine' despite having been in their lives for 15 years and loving them as if they were my own. I do think it's disrespectful to you OP and it would annoy me massively but I also agree with PP's that it's good for your DD that she has a good, loving relationship with her SM.

Much as I think you should be able to tell the SM to stop I suspect it will make you look and feel petty if you do so I think I would just unfollow her on fb and try to rise above it. I wouldn't let DD go for the extra afternoon though, why should you give up your time with her for anyone other than her father?

I don't think it should be a choice between warring exes and gushing "My daughter"s on facebook. There can be something between that, a situation where the children are loved by step-parents and treated equally but where the roles of the real parents are given the weight and respect they deserve. There are so many people here saying that she obviously loves your dd, but this doesn't sound loving to me, it sounds possessive, and insecure.

It's not about your feelings but those of your daughter, as long as she is happy then you have to suck it up.

Sounds like they have a great relationship which is fantastic, you should be proud that you've raised such a wonderful daughter

The only thing I think you have a problem with is the extra afternoon. You have to share as it is, why give up more.

Her wanting to make your DD a part of her family with her half-sibling is a kind thing. Be glad she loves her.