AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

Actually a pp who said could her son come over to yours (he's a baby so erm no), that's not such an awful idea in a couple of years time... You have her son with DD one afternoon and do baking (with fb pics bragging how cute they are together) then she has them the following week. Would give you both a break. Two years is a long way off...you might feel differently then.
In the meantime, hugs to you and do remember that no one can ever replace you in your daughter's eyes, you're her mummy, kids don't lose sight of that on access weekends you know. You're irreplaceable, you must realize that.

We Stepmum's can't win no matter what we do!!!

She is obviously trying to make your daughter feel included and part of the family unit instead of an "outsider" who just visits occasionally. I think it's lovely she's paying attention to her and being proud/taking an interest in her ballet etc. Especially when she has a little boy of her own she could just focus on him solely.

I can understand you not wanting to give up an afternoon (though I love time to myself!) but again I think it's Calvert nice she wants to strengthen the bond with her and between the siblings.

Imagine this in the reverse "daughter's new partner doesn't care about my daughter since she had their baby"

Sorry but it does seem like step mothers can't win no matter how hard they try!

If your daughter refers to the woman by first name then surely she should accept she I'd not the child's mum. If DD was living with your husband I can see how easy it would be to slip into being called daughter but she isn't. My son has a 14 year old step son who he has known since he was 3 and lived with him since son married but son does not call him as a "son" and 14 year old still calls him by his first name. He knows my son is not his dad just as your daughter will know you are hrr mum so this woman should stop referring to DD as her own daughter.

I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it.

I've experienced it. DS1 has a step mum he sometimes calls Mum. He sometimes calls her by her christian name, too. Him doing so doesn't lessen my role in his life. It means he feels loved and secure enough to call another woman the most important name in the world. She loves him, he loves her, I'll take that over a cold, distant stepmother any day of the week and twice on a sunday. Takes a village to raise a child and all that.

SirVixofVixHall good posts.

Supermagicsmile "...I wonder if some of the people saying they would be fine with it would be if they actually experienced it."!

I think lots of people would not be happy with this.

Is there reason you feel a sense of insecurity? (if you do)

I knew a woman who was divorced and one of her children went to live with the dad for a school opportunity, dad and his new wife and either her kids or their kids together, can't quite remember. Then the other daughter joined 'the family'. It was so heart breaking for the mum. Do you have any worries this step mum wants to kind of take over?

I think if the step mum is kind, great. But she doesn't need extra time with your dd or to view her as a daughter not a step daughter.

I do wonder if your specific situation is in some way a part of this, in that your ex was with her before you, then with you and now back with her. I just wonder if this dynamic has added something to the situation?

Sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree.

To me it might make it more likely that she wants to pretend your dd is hers because that would remove the time when she was not with him and you were. That just really struck me, but I could be wrong.

Re Facebook, remember OP she can unfriend you and you would not know what she was writing so go 'nicely' if you do want to speak to her about this.

As I said before, you know her, and what your dd says. You know if this is a genuinely good relationship.

Of course it is good if she genuinely cares for your dd, and hopefully you can work this all out amicably. But I would not be relinquishing any of my time with my child, if she wants to foster good relationships between the kids why don't you and she meet up with kids, without the man, maybe at a local park etc or soft play.

This might show your dd a good, united front with both children with their own mums. When your dd is older it will be very good if you and her step mum can be on the same page together. As mum to an almost teenager, I would say that this is a very testing time (teens and pre teens), and so now you have a good few years to make your relationship (with step mum) better in readiness for the teenage years.

You sound like you have a great relationship with your ex and partner which is good, but your DD step mum has no need at all to refer to your DD as daughter. She isn't at the end of the day she isn't, I would point that out to her, yes it's good that she feels safe and secure but there is actually no need at all for her to use this term. As for her spending time with a Extra afternoon, sorry I would be keeping that pleasure to myself and I understand the dynamics having a diverse family myself.

I haven't read the whole thread...but...

I wouldn't be happy at all.

In your example, "So proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam'...she could (and should ) have just posted, 'So proud of Flossie-Jo (your daughter's name) for passing her ballet exam'

No need at all to write 'my daughter'. Thinking about it, I rarely write 'my daughter' - I just write her name!

You are her mum. She should respect that imo.

Be thrilled that when your dd is not with you that she is with her dad and another person who loves her like a daughter. It is good to read of a positive step parent fully including their step child as their own. How terrible it would be for your daughter to feel any less loved.

You also never know when you may need her to be more involved.

I had 2 DS. Exdh was with his stbdw when our eldest DS was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. Exdh's partner was amazing. Looked after our other DS when we were looking after our eldest. She spent many a night in hospital with me and DS. She was a loving stepmum to both our boys and I/we were blessed she played such a normal, genuine, loving role at a time when life was bleak. Both my ds's love/d her and I will be forever grateful that my DS who died had an extra parent in the mix to love him.

Try to see how her open love for your daughter is a blessing rather than a competition. You will always be your dd's mother.

It sounds lovely. She's acknowledging your DD as part of her family, which she is. I'd understand if she was calling herself your DD's mum, but calling her her daughter is sweet. It sounds a lot nicer than the alternative.

I have the alternative of this kind of stepmother. She officially got with my dad when I was 11, married him when I was 15 - I couldn't tell you when because I wasn't invited. I didn't even know about it until my great-aunt told me. My SM hated my every being from the moment she got with my dad - wouldn't spend time with me, didn't come home if I was there, and eventually banned me from their house, nasty looks when nobody was looking, always tried to stir trouble between me and my dad - and she always succeeded. I could go on. She certainly had no love for me. I was just the unnecessary and unwanted baggage that came with the man she wanted.
At 15 she rang my mum up and told her "that I was her (my mum's) problem, and that she should deal with it" because my SM didn't want to acknowledge the fact that my dad had a teenager (my siblings & stepsiblings are all a decade+ older).

Is that the kind of step-parent relationship people want for their children? Reading this thread has left me quite confused. Don't put the step-parent in their "place," especially if they have nothing but love for your DC and get on with them, unless you're prepared for the fallout - and to hurt your DC in the process.

how would you prefer she refer to your daughter? Is she just using it as short hand? I wonder if she is just trying to let your daughter know that she is as important to her as the baby. The afternoon a week is up to you entirely. Maybe that's about building sibling relationships, but if you need the time with DD as well then it's fine to say no.

Children as are canny, they know who is mum and who isn't. I'd be thanking my lucky stars that she has another adult in her life who loves her. Make sure she spends happy times with you too😀

Surely most (if not all) of the people seeing the FB posts know that she is not your daughter's biological mother?

Perhaps they are reading it and thinking it's a little strange too.

I would try to put it out of your mind, and appreciate the care she obviously takes of your daughter.

I am a step child...mum remarried, dad remarried 4 times. I have 11 brothers and sisters...When asked...I dont say...i have 1 brother, 1 sister, 3 half sisters, 2 half brothers, 3 stepsisters...and one i dont know. Cos its a ball ache and im closer to some of my sisters that arent my sisters, and my full brother is an @ssh*le.
Ive also been a stepmum to my older 2s sister (half sister, same dad diff mum) and a stepmum to my youngest 2s brother (half brother, same dad diff mum.)
Stepsons mum is very very hardwork and didnt even want to know my children existed in relationship to her child...didnt want to have photos of them all doing nice stuff together. Wanted him to have his own room here so he didnt have to share with mine.Shes started to chill abit now but its been 10 years
My stepdaughters mum and dad (stepdad) are wonderful people. We all went on trips together, babysat for each other and would go for coffee and stuff, even after me and their dad separated in 2000. It was great, and open and most of all...the children were happy and relaxed. Both our children would say "i wish #### was my mum...she would let me have xyz" .. We would laugh about it, not be bitter of the competition.
When I visit home, I always get invited to visit stepdaughter and her mum. We are a loving community really and the children have extra people they can talk to openly if they need it.
As a stepchild, there is little worse than being mentally "separated" from the step parent and THE CHILDS BROTHERS AND SISTERS. I emphasise this because not everyone realises they have their own bonds with siblings and no matter how unhappy adults are that these are only 1/2 or step siblings, the children themselves will choose how they feel about them, regardless of us adults.
It isnt nice to be stood with the siblings when someone asks how many children a person has and that adult says "I ONLY have X, that ones not mine..." It feels very seperative to be on the recieving end and while adults can look at that without offense, children feel things how they feel them.
I honestly would not stress about it. If you want her for the day, keep hold of her. If its a day when you could do with a child free day, let her spend it with her sibling and the "spare/extra mum/dad" as we call it and make use of the baby sitter.
It wont be long before shes deciding to sleep over at friends instead of dads, and wants to go to the cinema with pals instead of siblings.
No one can break that bond between mum and child...even abused children feel the tug of mum, she will undoubtedly love the stepmum, but she wont stop loving you and you wont stop being her no.1

If she's been involved with your daughter from a young age I'm sure she loves her as her own, Bonds grow I felt the same way towards my stepmother growing up! And although not with my father for many years I still keep in touch as an adult!Although it's hard as a mother please be grateful she has a step mum who wants her around and isn't jealous you can get a lot bloody worse! The main thing is ur daughter never calls her mum!

I completely understand how you feel. I think it is a natural reaction.

I don't think she's trying to be unreasonable and take your place. It may just step mum's way of trying to make dd feel welcome as part of their family too. With a new sibling it would be easy for her to feel pushed out or that she wasn't as important to them. Probably better that than the potential for her saying "why should I listen to you, you're not my Mum" in future. If you let it go it may help you in future if you want an evening out or time to get to know someone new.

I do wonder if all the people saying "... be glad someone loves your child ..." would feel that way if the someone was the child's grandma, or grandpa, their own mum or das or MIL or FIL?

I'm guessing not if that grandparent referred to the child as their own and wanted to take regular time away from the mum.

Lots of people love our kids. But this makes the OP uncomfortable and I can really see why.

Italian - I get what you're saying. But since the other common complaint about stepparents is that they don't make their stepchildren feel welcome, try to make them visit less, favour their own children etc, I think people are saying better this than that. This way OP is hurt, the other way the child is hurt.

Of course the ideal is a healthy middle way, but OP unfortunately has limited options to make that happen. She's already spoken to her ex and it doesn't seem to have helped. So looking on the bright side and trying to accept it seems like one possible way forward.

Nope. No other woman is my DDs mum. I would tell her myself that she's crossed a line and to stop immediately.

Why would your DD not spend time with HER BROTHER if ex and his fiancee split?

My Mum remarried when I was 12 and had two children with my Step Dad.
It has never crossed my mind that they are "only" half siblings. They are my brother and sister. And should my Mum and Step Dad split which they should, but that's another story I cannot fathom a situation where it would be appropriate for me no longer to be associated with them.

Someone said up thread said "parents are forever" but quite frankly, siblings are too - and in reality are going to be around much longer.

This woman is crossing the line it sounds with the FB posts etc but you seriously need to rethink if you think that this family isn't 100% your Daughter's family as well as you.

Aghhhh I couldn't stand it either. She's not her daughter I'm sorry. All she has to call her is step daughter and that would make all the difference. I would stick to your guns and raise the issue again. It's wonderful for you all that everyone gets on but it's confusing for kids. She is not her daughter full stop. Good luck op you are not being unreasonable. It's making me feel uncomfortable and it's not my situation. for you x

I would die a little bit inside every time I heard this if I were you, but the right thing for you to do is follow your daughter's cues.

But this is facebook the OP has no way of knowing what gets said when the sm and her partner are at home for instance. If the OP doesn't like it then don't read it. It really is that simple. And no, the OP should not be grooming her daughter to find out how she feels about it. The only thing that is important here is that the daughter has a positive relationship with her SM, because the reality is that this is potentially a relationship for the rest of her life.

For all the people saying that they wouldn't like it, that is all about you and nowhere in that equation are the children's feelings taken into account. In all of the accounts where step children have commented the overriding message has been that it is important for them to feel included, and the feelings that have emerged when they have not been.

There is a lot of study which suggests that a huge part of the adaptation process to divorce for children is the way in which their parents deal with it. And parents dealing with it in a way which makes their children possessions is not a positive for anyone. Equally step parents who refuse to accept their children does not benefit anyone except the step parents. Now here we have a relationship where the stepmother sees the daughter as her own and equal to that of her biological child and that is apparently wrong? Wrong for who exactly?

I know I have been slated for suggesting this but go and have a look at the step parenting boards and ask yourselves whether you feel that this is the preference. Go on, go and look at the thread titles alone: "I can't stand my partner's children; hate being around my stepson; have snapped at the ex;" those are just a couple of titles at the top off the top of my head, and tell me whether you think that these attitudes are prefereable to one which makes a facebook reference to a daughter.

I agree with a pp. It may be mot in a good way at all but a way of claiming the dd as her own to airbrush the OP and her dp history together. And of course a dig that she knew would be seen.

I've come across this several times in real life. As a result I would be wary of the 'try hard'. Their motives are often not good.

I agree with italiangreyhound, generally, and also the point that perhaps the ex and fiance's dynamic of being a re-united couple is having a bearing on her behaviour.
The choice being presented by some posters seems to be between cold, cruel and unloving Stepmother and this woman's supposedly loving "daughter" posts. But surely there is another option? One where the step-parent is loving and loved in their own right, but shows respect towards the child's Mum, even if there is no friendship?
My nephew has a step, my SIL. She sees far more of him than his mother does, because DB has full custody. She loves him, and he loves her. She has been a great influence in his life, and an important one as his own Mum has had serious difficulties which have made it very hard for her to parent him. I have seen clearly the advantages of a kind, stable and loving step, but captioning pics on social media "my daughter" is not part of this. I really think it is a bizarre thing to do. To do this knowing that the actual mother will read them? even more bizarre.