AIBU to not like step parent calling dd her daughter?

[Supermagicsmile]

Not sure on this one if IABU but this is really bugging me.

Dd is almost 7. Her dad's been with his fiancé for around 4 years (they had been together when younger too so has known her for years!) When dd is there she is involved in her care which I am fine with. She's generally a really nice person and dd likes her. They have a little boy together (6months) who dd adores aswell.

She (step mum) refers to dd as 'her' daughter and it really, really annoys me .

I have spoken to dd's dad about and he did speak to her. There are comments on Facebook 'so proud of my daughter for passing her ballet exam' etc. Also a really gushy post on Father's Day about their family and their 2 kids.
She had requested dd spend another afternoon round there in the week (dd's dad will be at work so it would just be her and the kids). We don't have any formal custody arrangement as never needed it but I don't really want dd there without her dad one extra afternoon a week when I could have her at home with me.

AIBU? I mentioned it to a friend who says it's fine but I don't agree.
(Dd doesn't call her mum, she has always just used her first name thank goodness )

AIBU? (If so, how do I handle it as I'm struggling with it now. If I'm not, how how do I fix it?)

Sounds like the woman loves your daughter and considers her as much a part of the family as the son that she and your ex share. The important thing is that your daughter feels safe, loved and cared for and not at the centre of some bitter argument between jealous parents.
This ^^. And isn't it better for your daughter that she gets to spend time round there with her half-brother when her dad isn't there because that way it will feel like a second home and not just somewhere she spends time with her dad but where she doesn't have a proper place? It's about your daughter, not you. Surely it's more important that your daughter has more people loving her and looking out for her? No-one cares about Facebook posts anyway and I'd bet that 99.9% of those that have read that post forgot about 10 seconds later. You're the only one bothered. Be grateful that she has a stepmother who loves her & is proud of her - plenty of kids have to put up with crap.

Is your DD happy?

"If so I really would drop it. Sounds like they are quite a secure family unit, is far as step families go that's pretty cool and good for your DD. I wouldn't predict break ups and who will be there and who won't, these things really aren't predictable.

If shes happy and step family are happy, you would be the one causing drama on this and thats going to be really hard on your DD."

I agree completely.

Surely your dd's happiness must come first? I have every sympathy mind but as long as dd is happy and being treated nicely/included by her step mum that is number 1 priority really.
I think "keeping her away and raising hell" as previous posters suggest will only hurt them as a family unit which includes not only your ex/his partner/any kids involved but your own dd too.
She'd probably grow up to resent you for it too.

I can see why this irks you. It's as if step mum is trying to replace you . Are you feeling a little push aside?

Say No to the extra afternoon. If questioned why, just say it's not convenient, or we have things planned.

The Father's Day comment wouldn't bother me. Nor the comment about the siblings still being in contact.

Maybe have a word with ex about the daughter usage and say you are unhappy with her using it so freely.

I have a stepson and a son - my fiancée is their biological dad. I don't ever refer to my stepson as my son openly, but in discussion with my fiancée I'll often refer to them as 'our children' or 'our boys'. Mainly because we have 50/50 access and for all intents and purposes I see my stepson as my responsibility also when he is here. I'd never ever say that publicly (ie Facebook) though. My stepson has a Mum and I've always made it abundantly clear that I love him dearly and will always be here for him but I am not his Mum and would never try to take that away from him whilst he's here.

If me and my fiancée spilt or if he died, I would want access to my stepson because I've been in his life for years and his younger brother who he adores lives with me. Fortunately DSS mum agrees and we have a relatively good relationship whereby she has no issues with that and has written into a will that should she die too, she would want whoever is guardian of her son to maintain access to me and his brother.

I think stepmums have it hard tbh - if we show we're too invested in our stepchildren we're over stepping boundaries, but if we don't treat them the same as our own biological children we're vicious and wicked. That said, OP, I think it is unreasonable that she should be saying your daughter is her daughter on things like Facebook, especially if you can see it

Just have a calm and straightforward conversation with her about how while it is wonderful she cares for your daughter it is unnecessary and disrespectful towards you to refer to her as her daughter. Ask her to put herself in your shoes and imagine someone doing that to her and her son.

So many petty pathetic women on this site with all the "put her in her place/stop contact" bollocks. you should be pleased that the stepmum loves and cares for your child. If you don't like it then unfollow her from Facebook but you'd be an idiot to upset an amicable co parenting relationship just for this. Put your daughter first and get over yourself.

Also my husband calls my dd his daughter as that's what she wants to refer to herself as. She hates the step title as it makes her feel different and not part of the family. In the same way she gets upset if anyone says half sister rather than sister about our dd. She calls my dh papa. It in no way detracts from how much she adores her dad - and luckily he has no issues with it and thanks my dh for how he treats her.

How does your dd feel?

So much bitterness on here

Yes, it's bitter to want your child,to have one set of parents and to not feel that a woman who's presence in your child's life you have no say over is able to care for your child whilst respecting your place in said child's life.

Unfortunately, many step parents seem to seek to erase the past. Frequently that is achieved by ignoring children of the 'first family'. Sometimes by pretending mum doesn't exist. It's a fine line and this is a step over it. Just a step, but significant nonetheless.

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings.

I do this with my DD's half sister and brother to make sure they all have a relationship and an friends with their mum, though we have both split up from their dad. It seems to work well all round. In my experience once stepkids are connected to your biological kids it does change your relationship to them because they are now family of your family.

I also think it's incredibly difficult to say "my son and stepdaughter" as this is emphasising the difference between them, although I've never called DD's half siblings son or daughter, I guess I just avoid using daughter or stepdaughter. We also never use "half" they are just all brothers and sisters.

I've also been in the position of having my DD go off to another woman so I know how hard that is too, although XP was dating someone much younger, which made it easier for me as DD said she was more like a sister than a mum! I think the main thing is that DD is being looked after and maybe you need support from somewhere to deal with your feelings. Sympathies, it's tough.

Bluntly put, if you kick up a fuss about her calling your DD her daughter, then you're putting your pride above your daughter's wellbeing. Having said that, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you

As a child of divorce I grew up with 2 dads and call them both dad. My step dad refers to me as his daughter and I refer to him as dad. I still have plenty of contact with my real dad and he has never made it an issue

I grew up the same as this, I loved both my dads - Although we didnt have social media in those days so I can understand why your feeling that way - it would piss me off to see someone else calling my son theirs. Over this I would put my foot down - no more social media posts unless using her name rather than daughter.

The sad thing is that your daughter is better off having a nice Stepmum. I have a very horrible one and I can honestly say it has made me miserable for many years. The problem here is that you don't like it. You may actually be setting your daughter up for some angst when she realises that she is stuck in the middle.

I don't know what to advise sorry. The best outcome is that you become more comfortable with it. Your DD won't replace you with her. TBH I would die inside if my DC called someone else Mum. Can you not try and limit the comments you see on FB? Why are you even on FB with your Ex's wife?

Surely your DD is the most important part of this?

Be very very that she has a step mother who genuinely likes her, the majority of step parents seem to barely tolerate their step chidren and many are pushed aside when a new sibling comes along.

I think wanting the siblings to play together without dad there is fine, it's not weird etc.

Hilda Are you okay? Cos your comments are fucking ridiculous!

It's a little tricky. I have been a step mum for more than 10 years with periods where the children were here full time, and 50:50 periods. I refer to them as my children if it is just easier - e.g. At dentist or if chatting with irrelevant people. In the same way, they have never corrected if I'm referred to by others as their mum.
However, I would never call them my daughter or son on social media or really in any way that is recorded as it just isn't true. Even on with all the kids I might write 'all the kids together ' not all our kids or all my kids.
I think I would have another word with dad or with step mum if you get on ok, and maybe block on facebook. It can't be easy reading their posts and seeing their photos.

It would annoy me, the referring to her as her daughter. Surely it'd be easier to call her by her name "So proud of (insert name) ..." and I would actually raise it with her but at the same time I would thank her for all she has done/does.

As for the extra evening I'd accept that gratefully, it'd be lovely for your DD to spend more time with their half sibling. I was in the same situation growing up and wish I was closer to my half siblings but we just didn't spend enough time together.

There was already a comment made that if they ever split she would still want contact with dd so that the children feel like proper siblings
This is lovely but surely they would see each other when dad has contact if they split? That said my ex has 4 children from 4 different women. He has no contact with the first 3 children so all of us mums meet up whenever possible for family BBQs etc and during that time we put our differences aside and we share responsibility for the children. So my son might go to another of the mums for a hug and a kiss, I might hold his half siblings hand or carry them if they're tired. We hope we're showing the children that is how grown ups deal with difficult situations and if my son couldn't speak to me about something when he's older who knows, he may find it easier to speak to one of the other mums - and that's okay so long as he has someone to turn to! It took a long time to get to this point BTW, it didn't happen over night but you all owe it to the children to try and create the best possible environment for all children involved.

Stepmothers cannot win. Here we have what seems to be a happy medium with your daughter and her step mother getting on well and you want to start sticking the knife in by having a pop at her for daring to say 'daughter'. The more you do this the more she will back off and the unhappier your daughter will be as the barriers go up.

Still if that if what you just do just to make yourself feel better, crack on.

Surely you want your DH partner to be a mum to her when she is with her dad. To be someone she can run to, to be loved and loving. That is the nicest thing possible for the child.

I have a stepmum (for 40 years) - love her to bits, I am fully aware of the difference between my mum and my stepmum - my mother STILL hates her and the fact we have a relationship. Just makes me sad for her - but she is no less MY mum, just as my stepmother is no less A mum to me.

Yep, you're putting your wants before your daughter's.
Trust me, your daughter is very well aware that you are her "true" mum. By intervening and asking this woman to step away from your child, you are forcing her to "grey back in her place" (as another poster suggested). And what place is that? That of wicked stepmother?
This woman is clearly a loving person who wants to be inclusive. Do not jeopardise that. I speak as someone who has a mother and a stepmother.

I wouldn't like it op and I would have to say something there's no reason she can't use her name or step daughter it's almost as they are airbrushing you out on social media to be the perfect family. Your entitled to set boundaries when it comes to your child. The same goes both ways I think it's wrong for woman to encourage there DC to call new partners dad when they have a father in their lives. I wouldn't give her the extra Afternoon that's your time to spend with her.

Oh Christ I've obviously been making a massive mistake for the last twenty years. DH and I got together when DSD was four and my DS's were 4 and 5. DSD is amazing, I love her to bits and feel as much of a mum to her as I do the boys. I've taken her to school, argued over homework, wiped tears and listened to problems about friends and boys. As far as I'm concerned she's as much my daughter as if I'd given birth to her, and I'm proud to refer to her as such. She calls me by name, not mum, and her "real" mum is obviously the one she calls Mum but after twenty years, referring to her as stepdaughter just seems alien.
I understand the difference between a three week relationship partner using the word for social media "likes" but the woman in the OP just seems like someone who loves the DD and appreciates her being part of the family. She and the ex have another little one, DD's biological sibling....it's not as if she's some random stranger. And FWIW I think it's lovely that she's invested enough in the DD's life that she's happy to spend time with her even if Dad isn't around. Surely if DD is happy with it that is the major factor?
Sometimes there's more to family than blood.......

Has it occurred to you that maybe she puts "daughter" to make DD feel more like part of their family & loved by her rather than highlighting the difference by using stepdaughter?
And just stop looking at her on FB. That's the obvious solution.

op it is hard but ultimately, is it bad for your daughter? Is she confused as to who her actual mum is? No.

Hilda you on hun