Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

It's important I add, I'm not recommending you stay at all. If you can leave then that's incredibly brave, I'm just empathising that it's much easier said than done.

Coconut just that in the day in surrounded by children and in the evening dh is always about.

Last night i tried to have a talk with him. He denies looking at porn a lot . I didn't push it too much there seemed very little point.
He was a bit gentler though and a bit less pushy so maybe it helped .

A bit less pushy in that there was no choking, name calling and anal sex?

Or less pushy in that he was less demanding but you still had to participate in it?

No In that he didn't do those particular things.

What does a bit less pushy really mean, OP?

It doesn't sound much fun.

Oh OP this sounds so distressing and unpleasant. I can tell you that this is not normal. Not acceptable. It is not what goes on within healthy, respectful relationships.

I really want you to understand that.

It is not normal. It is not acceptable. It is not what goes on within healthy respectful relationships.

So he's basically proved he can have PIV sex then without demeaning you then or forcing you to do things you don't want to do?

I hope this is the start of an improvement OP but I have a feeling that in a few weeks time he will go back to exactly how he was.

Problems of this magnitude don't just go away.

The best of luck with it OP but please set yourself a limit of what kind of behaviour you are prepared to accept and what you aren't.

If he reverts back to forcing sex acts on you then you need to seriously consider your options because what he has been doing to you is so, so wrong.

I've just noticed in your title you mention sulking. Also not good

Oh Dear Lord OP

First of all what AF said One coerced sexual act is one too many

Secondly, this is so not normal.

I back up the theory that porn is to blame and that he's watching a lot more than you know.

How on earth can you have sex you don't like with him - that he knows you don't like - and not hate him? It's a violation, every single time.

I'm not sure what he'd say to a GP : "Yes, I have been having erection problems but there's no difficulty as long as I'm simulating some light strangulation, sexually assaulting my wife anally or calling her names?"

This must be all really difficult to take on board. I hope this thread helps you OP and doesn't make you want to run away.

In the gentlest way, I am quite unnerved by you saying he was a little "a bit less pushy" and "a bit gentler". That says to me that he was still too pushy (for you) and not very gentle?

Or, thinking about it, do you mean it was still too "porn-y"...i.e. fast thrusting, non-intimate.

Yes Iam that is what I was thinking/

Did you want to have sex last night or did you feel like you had to because of the 'sulking'.

Less pushy and a bit gentler still sounds horrible.

Also OP is this going on every single evening? Sorry if I've missed that. Could you do something like arrange an evening out with a friend, or just go out for a walk for some time on your own, while he stays in?

Sorry but you are underplaying this. Massively. You are his wife, not a wanksock.
Sex should be cooperative, the best of what you both want.
I smell bullshit from him about the porn use. How else have his sexual responses been reprogrammed to get off in abusing you?

Knew as soon as I read your OP it was because he's watching too much porn and he's now desensitised to "normal" sex.

How grim for you.

Well that was helpful Athomedad. Not.

Electricaid, please leave your sexually abusive partner. Staying is NOT better for your DS. And is terrible for you.

Ditto OP: who cares WHY he is sexually abusive (eg how much porn he's seen). He is abusive.

AtHomeDad sounds like you enjoy sounding a twat.

Op, this is incredibly sad to read, I can't imagine putting up with it once, let alone forever more

Nice bit of victim blaming athomedad

Are you the husband athomedad

You have delusion in the common with the woman's husband judging by your comment.