Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

Sorry Pea cross post

This guy is supposed to love you but he can only get off if he's degrading and humiliating you. What does that tell you? You say you can't leave; is there anything that would be enough to make you leave?

I can't imagine anything more horrific than actually talking to someone in real life about this

You've done great this morning, we're all real people - just sat a bit further away from each other :)

This new choking fetish is defo related to porn and desensitisation. It wasn't ever a thing - or not as common years back. I'm not sure what the answer is for you but you really do deserve better sex. Please don't accept sulks or practices which make you feel uncomfortable. They are abusive.

OP, you haven't made it sound more dramatic than it is. If anything, you are minimising it. This isn't right. Either he goes to the GP or he gets no sex. I bet he wouldn't actually accept that and would wear you down, there is another word for that.....

hmmm it sounds to me like he doesn't want to have to do the other stuff to get hard either. It sounds like he wants this problem gone between you too.

I would definitely revisit the idea of trying to get to grips with the physical problem that kicked this all off.

I really wish our society didn't load so much bullshit onto sex and sex organs! Wouldn't it be great if you felt as much shame about a malfunctioning penis as a broken leg? I wonder how many sex lives would be revolutionised if that were the case?

well he's saying if you want sex you have to do all the things that you don't like. that's arseholish behaviour really.

i'd be forcing the issue.

I don't believe this is just about a malfunctioning penis.

This is so upsetting to read. You really needn't put up with this in your relationship, OP. I feel sick for you. Not least because you sound really lovely and accommodating, and he knows that he's got you exactly where he wants you.

I feel sick for the OP... having to go through these steps to 'entertain satisfaction' in her Husband...

this is BAD... please stop x

Ok, so you can't and won't leave him - then you have to make a simple decision; either you:

Insist that he goes to the GP and then for therapy if there is no physiological reason for his erectile problems

OR if he won't, tell him that the things he is doing make you feel so uncomfortable, vulnerable and - frankly, turned right off - that you don't want to have sex with him any more.

His choice - get help or go without.

Because, like I said before, what happens when anal sex/name calling/hands round the neck escalates into rape fantasies and then rape? Where do you draw the line?

What pea posted absolutley.

You are in an incredible difficult position op as a sahm and with children and you most probably love this man who you have grown up with but this isn't right love and it needs to change to make you both more happy.

@Talith Sorry but that's nonsense. There's documented references to choking fetishes going all the way back to the 17th century. I agree with the rest of your post and what OP's partner is doing is absolutely sexual abuse, but there are plenty of people who enjoy choking as part of a mutually satisfying, fully consensual sex life.

@WesternMeadowlark Very good post, I agree.

This is really upsetting to read about what's happening to you. You aren't being dramatic, if anything it is the complete opposite - you are in fact minimising the situation. You should never be forced into having sex or being manipulated into having any particular type of sex that you do not enjoy. He either goes to the GP and gets help or else there will be no sex. If he won't, well that's his decision and maybe you should consider your options.

You say you do all this because you want sex. But then you don't enjoy the sex and it leaves you feeling bad, unhappy and unfulfilled. So stop the sex 'till things change. Get yourself a rampant rabbit or something. Ask him to use it on you (he probably won't by the sound of things), or use it yourself. What's the point of wanting or having sex with him if it's not nice or enjoyable?

You're going to end up hating him for putting you through this, and hating yourself for allowing it. Not a good or happy path to go down, or any way to live your life.

The thing is op the erectile dysfunction at his age could point to a serious health problem. Ignoring it won't make it go away. He needs to understand that.

Does he drink too much or us he overweight?

I agree with pp that you should not put up with this, but as you are determined to remain with him and continue having sex with him I'm wondering if framing this in a way- I don't want you to die young- might get him to the Gp?

You really need to talk to your h and explain how fed up and unhappy this is making you.

juststopthefaffing, have you ever had a sit down conversation about it? Could you perhaps show him a website on ED like this:
www.bpas.org/more-services-information/erectile-dysfunction/

It says "The most common cause of erectile dysfunction for young men is anxiety. This may include concerns about getting someone pregnant..."
You say you have a large family. Could he be concerned about getting you pregnant? It goes on to say,

"Common causes of erectile dysfunction for middle aged men may include stress, guilt, or having sex with a new partner after many years of monogamy. Other causes may include diabetes."

OK, he's not middle aged but type 2 diabetes is on the rise amongst younger people so would he be prepared to go to the GP for a general health MOT instead of going for his ED?

It really is essential that he gets himself to the GP op.

I think you need to stop having sex with him until he faces what's happening and gets outside help for it and it doesn't matter how embarrased he feels about getting help if he really loves you he'll stop being a selfish arse that subjects you to rough sex that you don't want or enjoy!

That doesn't mean you have to go without,I know it's not tthe same but there's plenty of really good sex toys out there for women now.

Start putting your needs and feelings first,it sounds like that's well overdue!

If it helps, any counsellor will have heard it all before. And worse. They're professionals. You could even sit there and talk about how hard it is to talk about and they'd help you through that.

Op if you haven't seen much porn then it's possibly hard to envision exactly like porn is like these days. I haven't exactly viewed much but one quick glance on a mainstream porn webpage will open your eyes. Personally I think most people need to go and have a look to educate themselves as to what the industry is actually like. It's not good to be in the dark about it. No need to actually watch any videos.

Basically it's mainstream these days to watch women be beaten and choked and hurt. Anal is the norm. Porn is violent, to put it plainly. Not all of it but I think the majority.

Your dp watches a lot of it, I would bet. A lot. And this is going to damage you slowly but surely over the years. It will erode your self-esteem and your confidence and your enjoyment of sex. It's coercive on his part. It's abuse

Honestly mumsnet breaks my heart sometimes. The things people live with. This is not a loving partner. You don't have to do anything you want to do.

Op, my dh has some erectile issues. He is 50 and has just quit smoking (so he has his age as a factor, and the smoking) and while he waits to see the dr (HUGE dr phobe) we have adjusted our habits in order to make sure we are both happy. We MUTUALLY agree to try x/y/z and some get dismissed (I didn't like it/he didn't/it didn't work), but nothing happens without consent, or without me enjoying it.

And you know what? I was a teen when I met him, he is my only, and he can tell when I am not enjoying something (sometimes before it even registers with me), or not into it and he STOPS, regardless of the state of his dick. Because...RESPECT!!

Point blank op...if dh can't "get it up" for PIV, he can't get it up for anal and he can't get it up for other things either, and he wouldn't DARE to put his hands around my throat and if he spat at me, he'd be eating his balls!!

When he can get it up, he can get it up for PIV and anything else. It's not a "one thing or another" it's literally all or fucking nothing!!

The days that it is nothing, we get by in mutually satisfying ways.

I bet if you looked into it enough, there would be plenty of things that he controls in the day time too. Men like this aren't just like this in bed. He has no respect for you, and his actions and attitude in bed should be enough for you to realise that!

I really sympathise. Found myself staring at condoms in the supermarket today thinking if only we needed them! Finally after 5years of little or no sex he's gone to dr had some tests (all ok) hoping he will now go back and get viagra. It is absolutely not ok for him to ask for things that make you uncomfortable. Have you got any discrete friends who might come with benefits to help you get your self esteem back.

Max - do you mean have an affair?
I don't really know any men who are not married to women I know plus I would probably cry at the thought and run away so that wouldn't really work out for me