Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

Porn watcher I reckon

Anyway it sounds shit and I wouldn't put up with it

you're

You MUST stop doing things that you hate. That validates his refusal to seep proper help. I do not feel sorry for him in the slightest. He is happier to cause you distress than he is to address the issue properly. He's a selfish prick and I'd go as far to say abusive.

Ugh

Don't ever things sexually that you don't want to especially to prop up a selfish man's flagging erection

He's a pornhound, for sure. Lots of those dickheads end up not being to get it up without reenacting the filmed sexual sbuse they get off on

Buy him a blow up doll with a hole in the arse and send him on his way

Wow, that's awful :( you DO NOT have to do this for him.

By consenting to sex you are rewarding and enabling him in being abusive
I'm not trying to blame you OP I just want you to look at the situation differently
You should not put up with this shit

I don't mean that he forces me to do that- he doesn't it's just if I actually want to have actual sex - then that's just the only thing that works...

First things first. Erectile dysfunction starting at age 30 is extremely worrying. He needs to get to the doctor. That's very very young. It is not normal. He could have something quite seriously wrong with him.

I have lost two male family members before age 40 because they didn't go to the doctor about down there problems until it was much too late.

Secondly, don't do those sex acts if it is leaving you cold. It will ruin your sex life in the end. You don't have to have penetrative sex. There's a lot more out there. Most couples with a man over 45 have to adapt their sexual techniques to allow for unreliable hardness.

If he's refusing to go to the doctor then you would be doing him a favour by making sure he feels that there is a problem, which is his problem to fix, not your problem to fix for him.

anal sex which I hate... Please stop right now doing anything that you hate doing. I can imagine how you must feel afterwards if it's something you're forcing yourself to do just to keep him happy. No wonder you're fed up.

He doesn't have to force you does he
He knows that you need sex and that you will do what he wants to get what you need
Your need gives him the power to control you

I agree with the other ladies. I would say it's a psychological issue from his addiction to porn. If he can maintain an erection when he is doing anal sex or mild choking then it's not a physical problem.

He needs to get therapy for his porn addiction.

It does make me sad that porn is so normal these days to a lot of people that "normal" sexual experiences just don't turn them on , where does this stop? What about when what he is doing now doesn't do it for him as it becomes so normal that it's boring to him. Will he end up wanting more and more aggressive and violent sex? He needs to seek help professionally as soon as possible.

Not to stick the boot in OP but youbsoubd like you need to seek professional help too. I appreciate that you're posting here about just wanting normal sex but the fact is you are allowing this man to do what the hell he likes to you even though you say you hate it. That is not normal. Take steps to protect your wellbeing beyond just trying to fix your sex life. You both have far bigger issues at hand.

He has to stop watching porn and see his GP asap. Porn can cause erectile dysfunction. So can many medical problems.

I'd really leave him. It's not a healthy situation.

Oh, hell no.

I think you should abstain for several months, and see if that gets things back to normal. No porn either.

How would he feel, if you decided that the only way you could get aroused, was to shove a cucumber up his arse? Would he agree? I bloody doubt it. Stop now.

Reading your post OP about what you let him do to you is the saddest thing I have read on here for a long time.

How humiliating and degrading - it's so, so wrong.

This is not a normal relationship and I would be staying with a man like this. I'm genuinely shocked and disgusted that he thinks it's ok to treat you so horrendously - it's just beyond belief.

Just stop doing it and actually consider whether a man who makes you do things sexually to please him that you don't want to do is the kind of man you want to be with. It's utterly abusive.

I think maybe I've made this sound more dramatic than it is...

I didn't mean to!

It's not that he can't get an erecting, more that it's only if you consent to certain thjngs?
So he only becomes sexually aroused if his partner is made to suffer....he enjoys your lack of enjoyment

And it's not all at once all the time sometimes it's one thing sometimes another until something works... so it's not every night having him with his hands round my neck etc that's just a couple of examples.

Nothing is ok if you don't not actually want to it.
Fine if it's mutual of course, each to their own.
Yaddddd nbu. He gets help or he gets out.
It's not just the actual sex itself, he must pickup on the the fact that you not really enjoying things but wants/persuades (??) you to do it anyway.
It's a no from me.

I'm sorry op but Dh and I had that problem for a while and there is no way that any of those solutions would have occurred to him. I don't believe your dp is being frank with you about the amount & type of porn that he uses.
Medication fixed the issue completely here but, if the cause is porn, so that regular sex is simply losing its excitement for your dp, then he will need to deal with the porn issues too. This is awkward but the solution is going to have to start with honesty from both of you. Be brave & ask him to be brave too. Good luck.

Petal - um I'm not sure... I haven't really watched porn that much blush

Actually nor have I, but I've read a lot of threads on hear and heard in RL about men like this. It can include abusive things like the hands round your neck, acting like every woman should be gasping for anal sex, expecting totally hair-free bits, etc.

I knew about this kind of thing but I'm still shocked to read what you've been putting up with. Horrendous, you poor thing, you should not be enduring that. And with the abusive stuff, I find that deeply worrying. Even if he's not actually hurting you, what does it say about how he sees women and sex? He can only get turned on by pretending he's throttling you? - that's revolting IMO. And what if he got carried away and became more rough?

Of course it's up to you if you liked that kind of thing but if you don't you have every right to say absolutely no way.

One coerced sexual act is one too many

Oh OP that sounds horrific. No way should you do any of that if you don't want to.

Hmm I agree with pp's who also suspect he is watching far more porn than you realise. There is a medical condition (cant recall the proper name off-hand) which means that men who watch a lot of porn become unable to perform sexually in the real world - a bit like they have become 'numb' to the normal, everyday stuff that used to turn them on because what they watch has become more and more extreme.

Don't know what to suggest really as he refuses to see the GP. Could you use a different angle ie it's nothing to do with actual sex but your difficulties could be indicative of a deeper health issue?