Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

Coastalcommand Porn actresses are usually expected to get on their knees and give oral for long periods of time, preferably with choking noises, as "foreplay".

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Let me start off by saying that this is NOT your fault. From what you have written here it seems like you think it might be. The fact that you struggle to verbalise what is actually happening to you suggests that you feel intense shame about this. I agree with PPs that counselling for you would be a good place to start. It might help you get rid of the shame and allow you to have a clearer view about your situation. Then you can make decisions about what to do next. In the meantime: stop doing things you are not comfortable with. He is obviously putting his comfort before yours. Why should you do any different? And one last thing: sex is not the most important part of a relationship but it is an integral part of it. You say everything is fine outside of the bedroom. Are you sure?

Very - I think things are fine , we don't argue really and he is helpful and pleasant.

Imagine what your arse is going to be like after thirty plus more years of this

Its very hard to believe that a man who can only get an erection when he is insulting, choking or doing his reluctant wife up the arse, is a good guy.
In fact, I find it impossible to believe.

I'm sorry, op.

I am glad to hear that OP. Really hope you find a solution to this. I also hope you will take the unanimous nature of the responses here as an incentive to reevaluate your situation.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this OP; it is horrendous treatment. I'd be closing down all physical activity until he gets help. His life may depend on it, but even more terrifyingly so might yours. I kow you don't want to face this, but it is not going to get better, no matter what you do. Best to just refuse to participate in any sexual activity and go on from there. So sad!

TBH it sounds to me like he's been watching a bit too much porn and now has a weird fetish for it. I would definitely seek some sex therapy so that you can enjoy it more too. It's not fair that you have to do things only he wants to do for full sex. I understand, occasionally, you could as a treat, but vice Versa for you.....but it's the vice Versa for you that's never happening. You need to voice your concerns with him calmly and say that you want to get some help with this.

Does he know how much you hate it and how it makes you feel cos if he does ghost is it apleasant man. If he doesn't you need to stop feeling like you can't tell him

do you sometimes not give your opinion because he won't like it?

do you find yourself editing what you say?

do you feel you have a voice?

You said earlier that you caved after an ultimatum because you want sex, but the only sex you get is what you dont like, so why do it?

Get a vibrator and tell him no sex until he stops the porn and goes to the doctor.

Do you really want to spend your life being his breathing blow up doll?

Outside of when we have sex I feel like I can say what I want. We have equal access to money etc.

Tali I already have one - I just am always with him when I could use it (I'm never on my own!) so it's a bit pointless !

I am going to try and get him to go to the doctors about the erection issue it did def predate the other things so it would be at least a place to start.

That's fair enough if you don't want to seek alternative means. But please please don't let this continue. Consenting adults can get up to what the hell they want but you need to make it very clear going forward that you are not happy with any of these things. Make it clear that if he does any of these things again it will be sexual assault. If he wants to continue having sex with you he needs to get help.

Why are you never on your own?

How was your sex life prior to the last three years? I don't want to create uneasiness or suspicion where there isn't any but do you think your husband could have had an affair in the past and now be looking to recreate the excitement and kink he had with his affair partner? I ask this as I am not convinced it is simply a matter of porn usage.

I'm a woman who absolutely enjoys anal, a hand around the throat and am happy with verbal humiliation. I also enjoy a number of other things sexually that arent 'everyday' (I've also name changed to post this).

Having been around kink for nearly two decades the fetish community have seen an influx of curious previously vanilla men (and women but this is about men) with no experience, drawn by the idea that kinky girls are easy and will let them do anything to them.... the men come for the tits with the intention just to perv & look around at the free porn and they stay as a result of the misguided notion that all sexually liberal and open women are also up for anything - including being a married man's bit on the side. The sad truth is, some are.

My instinct, for what it's worth is the affair may be over but the taste still remains. What he seems not to be aware of is that without enthusiastic consent, what he is doing is abuse.

Please dont minimise this - you should not be expected to do anything you dont want, especially not something you hate to please your partner.

He shows no concern or care for your feelings, your body or your relationship and I personally would refrain from any kind of sexual interaction until he's been to see his GP or had a frank conversation with you about where these desires come from and why they have surfaced.

Unfortunately, I'd also reccomend a trip to the GUM clinic, I'm sorry.

Why are you never on your own?

Do you find yourself wanting time on your own. What's it like to never have it?

There's a picture here. SAHM, large family, no time to yourself, coercive sex... Do you, and he, have a very old-fashioned picture of life, with you as the home-bound, dutiful wife and him as provider and manly man?

If you said that what gets you off is repeatedly shoving a dildo in his arse, would that be OK? Even though he didn't like it? Because anyone willing to have any kind of sex with someone that they KNOW the person doesn't like is abusive. There is no question about that.

I read the first page, thought you were hinting at doing things you don't enjoy to keep him happy like mowing the lawn, multi course five star meals, having to listen to NASCAR racing.
I've been married a long while, leaving a long term relationship is sad and scary but sadly your relationship is dying a slow painful death.
You have years to enjoy your life, move on.

This isn't good OP. I feel bad for you. I agree with the posters who say stop having sex with him. You have to set boundaries and stick to them, otherwise he will walk all over you.
He won't go to the GP because it's not a problem to him. Instead he's made it into your problem.
Ignore the poster who suggested an affair. That could be the worst thing you could do. You are vulnerable. Submitting to sex acts that you hate is not good for your self esteem, and you could be walking into an even worse situation.
Op, you really deserve better than this. Consider counselling for yourself, not as part of a couple.

Haven't read the whole thread but it's grim. He can get it up properly for anal but not for piv? Grim.

This thread is really sad, please take the advice you have been given OP. You deserve to be happy and loved all the time - not just in the mornings

I'm in a very similar situation OP. I have asked for 'nice' sex so many times but I always end up with rough. It's consensual but I don't want it. It's like it's become a default (he clearly has porn addiction) m. I'm a SAHM too and my DS would certainly be worse off if I left so I deal with it.