Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

Stop, now, doing things you aren't happy with.

Agree with Barry. Is there a reason for this? Is he watching porn on a regular basis?

Childish I know he does watch it but I don't think its on a particularly regular basis.

It's got to work for both of you. If he won't go to the GP and enjoyable sex is important to you, then that's that. He's being very selfish if he knows you are unhappy sexually and doing things you dislike, in order to please him.

I don't agree with you doing things you aren't happy with but what would your advice be to a man who was complaining he had to do lots of foreplay before he could have sex with his partner? I would say foreplay should be expected and not to avoid it. You could also gently broach seeing a doctor as they will be able to help or mutual masturbation if you don't wanna go for the whole hog.

YANBU if he won't seek treatment why should you take up the slack? (no pun intended)

So sex between you has become you doing things you don't enjoy and that actually turn you off for ages so that he doesn't lose his not-very-erect erection? Sounds grim.

What are the things, are they porn-type things? If that's his issue then I suppose I can see why he doesn't want to tell the GP that - however you do not have to do anything you don't want to.

If he can point blank refuse to the see the GP, you can point blank refuse to have sex at all - well in fact you can anyway of course. You don't enjoy sex in this way, stop doing it. Tell him it's not fun for you and you need a solution so he needs to see the GP.

Hasn't he heard of viagra or cialis?
Absolutely DON'T do things you're not happy with!

Looney I don't have a problem with foreplay that would be fab. I don't want to just hope right in but this isn't what this is. It's just - imagine a child trying to get something to work and getting frustrated and angry and just throwing it about..

I have tried just saying no sex but tbh I really want to have sex and I just end up giving in and going back into the whole cycle my stupidity I know.

what would your advice be to a man who was complaining he had to do lots of foreplay before he could have sex with his partner?
I would hope that 'foreplay' (hate the term) was a mutually enjoyable part of sex, not a chore like the washing up or something

Op you have my sympathy. My stbxh (separated last summer) had issues with premature ejaculation. Penetrative sex usually lasted less than 1 minute, around 4-10 thrusts if I was lucky. He used to say with could do other things, but I wanted sex proper piv sex! It put me right off it over the years and I ended up with no sex drive at all. He never really acknowledged it as an issue tbh. I wonder how he will have a fulfilling sex life if he were to meet anybody new.

Petal - um I'm not sure... I haven't really watched porn that much

It's stuff like putting his hands around my neck (not actually hurting me to be clear) , anal sex (which I hate) and things like calling me names.. which is don't care about but just leave me a bit

Yep, that'll be the porn!

Christ, yes, def the porn

Could it be stress? My DH went through a year of problems getting it up, meditation and regular exercise has worked wonders for him. He's much calmer and happier and so is his thing.

Oh sorry cross post! That sounds awful op.

Jeepers, you should not have to do that!
Get some good sex toys

Porn definitely

As a single woman in her 30s I can tell you that there is a whole generation of single men out there unable to maintain an erection it's an actual human woman unless they are choking, spitting, borderline hurting or rabbit fucking her.

It's a sorry state of affairs

So you're expected to lie there and allow him to put his hands around your throat and penetrate your anus against your wishes in order for him to maintain an erection? You need to fucking well castrate him if this is how he behaves in a loving marriage.

Porn addiction. That sounds horrible op and definitely stop doing it. He needs to stop watching porn today. How horrible for you.

With an*

Wtf is the matter with him, he should not want to subject you to that kind of humiliation

Stop doing things you don't like, the hands around your throat thing is fucking awful.

Your doing things you hate just to keep the peace, that to me is abuse