Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

What is your relationship like outside of this issue

OP - I just wanted to say that I think it is so unfair that you feel you have to do things you don't like just because your DH can't get properly aroused without treating you like a porn actress.

His problem is his problem and if I were you I would refuse to be treated like this any longer.

I'm so sorry your husband is abusing you like this, OP.

Please think about seeing a counsellor. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to in real life.

This site has hundreds of great qualified experienced counsellors on it (no, I'm not one!) - you can search by location and by reason (e.g. sexual problems).

Also - you don't have to tell them verbally what the problem is. Either copy and paste your initial post into an email before you meet, or print it out, tell them you find it hard to talk about and hand the piece of paper over.

Think of it like a smear test or childbirth. In the normal run of things you wouldn't appear half-naked in front of complete strangers , but in those cases it's their job and you do it because you need medical professionals to be involved.

This is the same thing. You need help and this is their job. You won't be telling a counsellor anything they haven't heard before.

Good luck

'This site' = www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

Doh!

X

Bugger sorry pressed wrong button.

So sorry this is happening OP. Agree with the others porn addiction fits. Ultimately up to you, but rest assured this isn't normal or OK

At least look into getting a job. What benefits you might be entitled to if you left him. Where you might be able to afford to live etc, on your own.

I think you posted to see if this was normal, it isn't. Your husband should think you are the best woman in the world, he should cherish you. Spitting on you shouldn't even occur to him.

You are not a toy for his pleasure, you are a woman who deserves respect.

Urghhhh, it'll be the porn!

www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/37058019/easy-access-to-online-porn-is-damaging-mens-health-says-nhs-therapist

Sorry I think I'm being naive. Other than the anal sex and strangling (which are definitely not cool) what is it he's asking you to do for ages? And what will there be no more of until July?

The faffing about bit?

I would suggest that you pick both girld up from school and that NG's mum arrives after tea at whatever o clock. NG's mum will then need to explicitly invite herself and may just go with your suggestion!

Sorry, wrong thread!!

To give you an idea of 'normal' my dh has type 1 diabetics, if is levels are iffy he can't get an erection in a million years. This rarely happens but when it does he'd happily just concentrate on me and just hope things are functioning better next time we're both in the mood. He wouldn't in a million years coerce me into doing a variety of sex acts, that are clearly just for his benefit in an effort to get 'hard'
If this is your first and only sexual relationship, I feel for you, you're worthy of so much more op.

YANBU but unless you stop facilitating it nothing will change

He should see his GP as erection problems can be a sign of something serious.

First off he's 100% idiot if he won't see his GP about a health issue which potentially could be an indication of something more worrying and which could be helped.

Secondly he is abusing you, both physically and mentally. I feel so sorry for you OP and although you're reading all the good advice here, you're stuck in a damaging rut. Please speak to someone, Women's Aid if you can, and get some support and help.

Can't be doing with any of that if you don't like it.

Not necessarily porn addiction but sounds quite likely he gets these ideas from porn - but my DH has a habit of putting his hand around my neck (not putting pressure as such mind), holding my hips roughly etc but I think it's lack of knowing his own strength, not porn.

But your partner isn't willing to seek help, so why should you do what he asks?

Let him wank and you get your own sex toy so you don't have to be his.

I think you posted to see if this was normal, it isn't
Totally agree.

I think that the OP was hoping that lots of other posters would say that their DH / DP did the same thing to them.

Earlier on the OP even said - "I think maybe I've made this sound more dramatic than it is..."

It almost sounded like she was shocked about how abnormal her DH's behaviour is and that she was trying to minimalise it.

OP, maybe listen from eight minutes in to this episode of Woman's Hour from Friday: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08tbf69

The effect of porn on men's sexual performance is real and well-documented. Sadly, it seems likely that this is what's behind your husband's problem. Certainly his defensiveness in refusing to go to the GP or therapy would be consistent with that. Also, sadly, without being dealt with, the problem is going to get bigger. You don't like what he needs you to do now for him to get aroused. Imagine what the next steps might be when these things stop working.

Withdrawing sex is one option, but it seems he's not too bothered about that, presumably because he's getting what he wants from porn. So I think you are going to have to push this even further, before it affects your whole marriage. It's going to be hard, though, and you have all my sympathies.

If he's not getting his morning glory he should speak to his GP as it can be a precursor to a heart attack

OP I really feel for you. Unwanted choking and anal sex must be incredibly physically painful, not to mention the emotional and psychological damage it will do.

You have minimised the situation because you're in it and there's a lot at stake. However you are being abused. Sexually and psychologically.

A counsellor will have heard stories like yours a thousand times. Find the right one and you will find a way forward.

OP, no, this is not normal. I agree with others that there's a porn addiction here (possibly medical problems too, but porn would be my first suspicion). It is not right to be coerced into sexual acts you don't want and find painful. In fact it's a million miles from right.

Also, re. counselling - I'd say go to counselling on your own, not couples counselling with him, because I think you're in an abusive situation, and it's generally not a good idea to go to counselling with your abuser because they will turn it round and make it all your fault. That's what abusers do - they specialise in being emotionally and psychologically manipulative and gaslighting - and that can extend to the counsellor who's meant to be helping you.

I think you are going to have to resign yourself to the fact that your sex life is over.

He won't get help and he enjoys humiliating you and coercing you into unwanted sexual acts - keep yourself safe and stop having sex with him.