This thread scares me, it really does. My very first relationship was at 18, it was long distance (met online) and for a couple of months, all great. Then he turned overnight into an emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling asshole. A year of that lead to him being in complete control of me, and despite knowing i thought i was asexual and had a phobia of sex, when chatting one night with his webcam on, he stood up, and pulled out his penis. I did not want to see it, did not consent to it, and was shocked and repulsed by it. But that was the flood gates opening. From that day forward, all day every day he forced me to sex chat with him. Role playing all sorts of scenarios, and it became clear very quickly he didn't have any time for gentle, loving romantic sex.
He was only interested in bondage, domination, dress up/role play (like doctor and nurse) inflicting physical sexual violence such as biting, clawing, spanking and whipping, wanting to cause mass bruising and draw blood, and a particular thrill at the idea of getting caught, wanting to do things like drag me down an alley and make me give him oral, up against his parents bedroom door at night, he even asked me to have sex with him on my sofa with my sister in the room watching tv to see if she'd notice (i told him very firmly NO to that and he apologised, said he didnt really want that, no idea why he said it, he was sorry etc, and never mentioned it agian). I went along with him forcing me to sex chat and role play all of this shit, because i stupidly thought i loved him, and because i was to all intents and purposes, his puppet due to over a year of emotional abuse and conditioning.
I hated who i became, i felt constantly dirty, violated, ashamed, i felt like a whore, a prostitute who didn't even get paid. It was degrading, and i couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I never intended to do any of these things for real when it did come time to meet in person, it was supposed to just be fulfilling his fantasy mentally to placate him. It was so bad that he didn't even stop when my mum was diagnosed terminally ill when i was 20. He continued to force the sex chat, day in, day out. The day my mum died, he refused to speak to me beyond every half hour or so telling me "I don't know what to say to you". He was very obviously sulking he wasn't getting his sex chat and couldn't force me in those circumstances. He either didn't know how, or didn't want to treat me like an actual human being.
One thing he knew was an absolute NO i would never, ever consider was anal. He knew that from day one when we met, and had mentioned my disgust for it (i have OCD, purely an aversion to the germs) a few times throughout the relationship before the sex abuse began.
My turning point to turn and run was when he had me forcibly role play sex chatting and he was saying about having me tied up, and he told me he was going to penetrate me anally with his penis. I went balistic. Just like the sofa suggestion in front of my sister he was all apologies "i don't really want that, i'd never do it for real, i don't know why i even said it" etc. I calmed down, and considered him told to not ever even think about doing that to me.
2 days later, same fantasy of having me tied up, and he says the EXACT same thing about putting his penis in me anally.
That was when i realised he didn't love me, had no respect for me, my feelings, or my boundaries. I knew instantly that if i ever met him in person, he would expect all of the things he'd forced me to role play sex chat about. That he would never take "no" for an answer and would expect to get every scenario he ever made me role play. He was so entitled, i just knew the very first day we met from the second he stepped off the train it would just be a countdown of how long it would take him to sexually assault me or try to rape me. I would never be safe round him, and the thought of him being close enough to see me in the flesh, let alone close enough to actually touch me, made me feel physically sick, and my skin crawl.
It's been 6 years since i ended it, and i still have nightmares of him coming to rape me, still feel disgusted with myself, and i've reached the point im currently mid referral for therapy because i just cannot get past it. The anger, the hate, the disgust. It creeps in to my mind multiple times a day, often catching me off guard in the middle of doing something, and i freeze. I'm convinced he will end up assaulting or full on raping someone, he's too entitled not to, and he lacks both the personality and the looks to get a girlfriend to have consensual sex.
Your post has so many red flags, i am genuinely scared that one day, your husband will go too far, and you're the one who will pay the price. Light strangling is "ok" for now, but what if one day it doesn't do it for him anymore? What if he gets too into it, and puts on a bit more pressure, and he doesn't realise you cannot breathe?
I'm concerned if you tell him no, you're not willing to do this anymore that he may get angry and forcibly take what he wants.
You need to go to a GP, and tell them yourself what is going on. That you're having to do extreme unpleasant things to facilitate his errection to have normal sex. Get a referral to someone who can support you emotionally, because in all likelihood this is all going to hit you like a train one day, and it will overwhelm you.