Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

You're not willing to leave him and he refuses to seek medical advice. You are stuck forever with a sadist. Nice way to raise your kids.

You do realise that the hands around your neck can lead to your large family losing their mum

He is sexual abusive.

In a loving relationship those things are fine, I love all three of them... sex is allowed to get a bit kinky. I hope the people demonising these things aren't talking about them in this context. But in your case OP it is abusive as you don't want them. You should NEVER do anything that you don't want to.. it creates an awful dynamic in what is supposed to be a loving and equal relationship. I think he definitely needs a GP appointment to sort out some counselling and possible medication.

He is using you as a sex toy. I have been with men like this, OP.

One of them started out choking me/anal sex/calling me names, and eventually he was coercing me into prostitution because he was into voyeurism. I got out before I did any of that but I came really close to it.

These men will push and push your boundaries and need more extreme things to get them off.

The last time I spoke to the man I mentioned, he told me that he wanted to see a woman have sex with a dog.

This is the result of extreme, obsessive porn watching.

I think you need to seek counselling for what you are having to cope with, particularly if you currently feel unable/unwilling to leave.

If your husband won't seek medical help for what he perceived to be a physical problem, would he be willing to explore couples counselling?

I'm sorry for everything you are experiencing. It is abuse. For anyone to expect you to perform sexually in a way that is degrading, physically risky, or just unwanted is abuse, and the fact that it is someone you should be able to trust makes it all the more awful.

If you can't see this about yourself, imagine if a friend told you this was happening to her. Or your sister. Or your daughter. If you would be horrified by hearing that about someone you love, remember you deserve just as much respect and you should be just as horrified that it's happening to you.

Oh yes, the updates that you gave whilst I wrote my post are pretty clear juststopthefaffing. This is definitely about control. You are an early-thirties 5'2" SAHM to a large family who won't leave her husband, whose 33-years-old 6' porn-addicted husband knows she won't leave. He has the whip-hand, and he's using it.

"well if I make a fuss he says well let's not do it again. A few days ago he said "well lets leave it at that for June". So I'm not sure what he's expecting on July 1st."
"I don't think he means no sex until July just no more of that one particular thing until July."
So basically, you objected to a particular practice that you find distasteful. Rather than say 'I won't ask you to do that again because I love you and don't want you to do anything you don't want to do' - he says 'I'll give you a couple of weeks off but tough shit, we'll be doing that again whether you like it or not'.

It's time for you and he to sit down and TALK. Or rather, for you to talk and for him to listen. NO MORE.

Normally if a young man can't maintain an erection that can be a symptom of a number of different physical problems and should always mean a GP visit for a checkup.
But from the description of what he needs to do to keep an erection, it's pretty clear that this is a result of porn. He's caused this himself. I'm sorry for you that he's brought the problem to you.

OP, please stop minimising. Value yourself, stop feeding the monster, big family or not, run for the hills.
You are young, life could be so much better.

Do you think ha may be having an affair op?

It's very difficult to run for the hills in this sort of situation, op is between a rock and a hard place (err sorry about the pun😶)
As said he has the reigns here
Think carefully and work out a long term strategy op

I dont think you are making it sound dramatic I think the concern is you are doing the very opposite.

He clearly has been watching far to much porn. Read up on the effects on porn addiction because he seems to follow a classic case.

In your first post you very much give the impression that you spend a lot of time on foreplay rather than the actual truth.

If he can keep it up for anal and not for vaginal what is that telling you? That he has watched so much his concept of sex and reality have been eroded so it has to be him in control and you humilated.

Worse he is now threatening you and keeping you in line.

what is that showing your children

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

I understand that leaving this relationship right now seems incredibly difficult because you have many kids. There are many women who feel they have to stay in relationships for this reason.

I think you should completely stop having sex with him. Carrying on having sex with him is going to have a huge cumulative impact on you, which could lead to you having real psychological problems about your body and intimacy in the future.

In the future you may feel you can leave him. The kids will be older and opportunities may present themselves. You want to be able to get on with your life without carrying around forever years of degrading sex.

On a practical note OP, can you start to think about having a conversation with him about this, and what you would want to say? Not during sex but at a neutral time.

The way I read it then OP is that he can get an erection, for anal sex, just isn't turned on enough for 'vanilla' sex? Thats not an erection issue then is it? Thats what turns him on. Its like if you do all that he wants then he will reward you with standard sex for being a good girl. Even if you wrapped this up in bows and sparkles its just wrong. Sounds to me like he won't go to the doc as he knows nothing is physically wring with him and might make you aware that what you do now if not your average bedroom antics between mutually consenting, loving adults.

I think it's probably really hard for you to hear all this OP, and maybe quite frightening. You've been with this person since you were both young children - 13 / 14 / 15 and you quite possibly can't even contemplate anything different, let alone the idea that his behaviour is not normal.

You are in a really vulnerable position and as someone who works in this field, your sex life is unhealthy because he is not treating you like a precious, living being with needs and wishes, 24/7.

He should love you fully and completely and with gentle careful care, all of the time. Not just daytimes. Not just in June.

I reiterate that you should definitely start now by contacting a counsellor - just you - to explore things further. You don't have to do anything right now, or this week, or this month, but please do talk to a professional and get some support for YOU.

He sounds like a pig.

Sorry op. This is not a nice man.

What would you say if in the future your dd told you this was her sex life?

Pea I have no idea how to contact a counsellor- I can't imagine anything more horrific than actually talking to someone in real life about this. I'd probably die of shame!

The erectile dysfunction could have arrived first, possibly as the result of an underlying physical problem, as others have noted, and led to him escalating his reliance on porn - and pornish sex - as a way of avoiding facing up to the issue.

A lot of men buy into the myth that, because they're men, they must want sex all the time because that's what being a man is. And therefore if they don't want sex all the time, or they struggle to keep an erection, it must be something out there that's wrong.

That can lead to them seeking out novelty when really they should be figuring out what's going on with them, or with their bodies, that's making it harder for them to get off.

So his erectile dysfunction could have come first. It's very, very important that he gets it checked out for his own safety.

But that's his responsibility. You can't make him take his health seriously. All you can do is look after your own health, including mental health. And I would ask that you heed what other posters are saying about that. He is treating you appallingly.

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to berate you, I can tell you are listening. Best of luck, whatever you do.

You could contact women's aid and ask for advice about getting a good counsellor.

Plenty of counsellors working with women will have this kind of thing before. It's pretty standard behaviour for men who have problems with porn.

He should love you fully and completely and with gentle careful care, all of the time. Not just daytimes. Not just in June.

This. A thousand times, this.

Western it did come first. Then he started all of this

Oh darling, it's nothing to feel ashamed about. Most people have had some sort of counselling or therapy for all sorts of things.

I would contact Women's Aid for advice on counselling support in your area, or have a Google, or you can go via your GP. The route you take may depend on your finances, though there are cheaper options in some areas for those on low incomes etc.

If you can afford it, you can find any counsellor online and make an appointment. If not, you could ring your GP and speak to them, and they can refer you. You could contact Relate, who specialise in relationship counselling, or you could try ringing Women's Aid or another charity that supports women in all kinds of difficult domestic circumstances who might be able to make recommendations.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Please don't let this continue because you feel embarrassed.

Also, if you go to a counsellor, you can go to discuss your feelings around the issue and set limits on which aspects of it you are comfortable describing.