Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

That's ... not good.

Consensual BDSM, anal, whatever is fine, but the bar for 'consent' is higher than for stuff that doesn't have such a link to violence. 'I don't much like it but I'll go along with it to get the parts I like' might be ok (not great but ok) if your partner wants you to dress up as Deirdre Barlow/talk in a French accent/role play Kylie and Jason. Hands around you neck it has to be enthusiastic consent or it's not really consent at all.

He works on computers (programming type job) so I have no idea of what porn he watches. Or how often . There no way he would just leave it in his browser history etc.

I think maybe I've made this sound more dramatic than it is...

It might be that you've got used to this man putting pressure on you to do what he want's and you're used to putting your feelings last and trying to keep him happy.

You've had a shocked and horrified response from some posters because this actually is quite extreme and most people would find it upsetting and deeply worrying.

This isn't just about how to have the sex you want, it's about the horrible level of disrespect you're getting from him.

That's not your fault at all and people aren't blaming you, but just want you to see it's not OK and you don't have to accept another second of it.

It's clearly more than is good for your relationship.
There shouldn't be any need for you to check on him.
If he wanted to improve things then he would have to drop the porn and see his GP. Somehow I doubt he will.

You haven't made it sound worse than it is, it simply is what it is. A healthy relationship does not include anyone having to do something they don't want to do.

You haven't made it sound dramatic - it's the very 'ho hum, he's got to choke me to get a hard on' normality of it that's so awful. You wonder if you can ever have 'nice' sex again, so the flipside of that is that you're now resigned to having unpleasant, unenjoyable sex because he won't take any steps to deal with the problem. How can he, or you, possibly square that with being loving in the rest of your marriage? If he'd rather call you degrading names and force you to have anal sex that you hate, instead of seeing a doctor to fix a issue that affects you both?

How do you not just get totally turned off by having to do things you're not into?

Peaceout I do it's very hard to enjoy sex even when we do manage it now.

Op, come on please, the sex isn't working for you at all
You're not getting what you want but he is ffs😠

Reading threads like this makes me fear for my daughter! What sort of fucked up men is she going to meet in the future??? With all this disgusting porn so easily accessable. And then people have the nerve to suggest it is harmless! Look what it is doing to a whole generation of young men!

It sounds like he's into domination. Not necessarily from porn. Either way, if you're sexually incompatible, it's not good for you.

OP you're minimising his behaviour. It doesn't matter that it's not all the time, some of the time is still too much if it's stuff you hate doing and he refuses to seek help as long as he's still getting what he wants, right?

You say you got together as teens, is he your only reference point? I know you say your relationship is great other than this issue but I find it hard to believe that such horrible behaviour could occur in complete isolation.

I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!
Don’t waste your life on him OP.

Yes tempus I have only ever been with him.

Op, what does he say about the fact that you are doing things that you hate?

Sorry, but are you saying that he is able to get hard enough for sex if the sex is anal - or if you are being choked or called derogatory names?

If so, it sounds less like erectile dysfunction and more like an addiction to certain types of porn. That's if he's able to maintain an erection for the things he prefers but not for things you like to do .

In any case, the situation can't carry on. He needs help from somebody, whether that's a GP for erectile dysfunction or therapy for his porn addiction. Something's got to give - and please do stop doing things sexually that you aren't comfortable with.

Lotus - well if I make a fuss he says well let's not do it again. A few days ago he said "well lets leave it at that for June".

So I'm not sure what he's expecting on July 1st.

You are not helping him. What you are doing is enabling him to avoid getting help for HIS problem by turning it into YOUR problem.

You are not helping him. You are doing him harm. You are doing yourself harm.

Sort this out. Do not carry on like this. Take responsibility in a way that is constructive, not destructive.

Don't underestimate the damage that this stuff does to your general self esteem. I used to date a celebrity who could only ever get off when saying during sex (with no discussion on if it was ok with me) "You fucking bitch, you fucking whore".

It's not good.

Santas to be totally honest I'm not entirely sure sorry I just mean that it doesn't work if we don't do either something like that OR if I spend ages and ages doing other things - in which case that never leads to actual sex or anything the other way round .

Hey @juststopthefaffing sounds like a really difficult situation and finding the right balance for both of you is difficult. It also sounds like you are make a lot of sacrifices right now. Are you guys talk about this problem outside of the bedroom, when there is no pressure and no expectation?

I would separate until he can rehabilitate himself. If he doesn't it would be divorce.

This is entirely a porn addiction issue, I have seen it so so many times in friends relationships and experienced it myself with an ex. What he is doing is disgusting OP, and you have been coerced into doing things you don't want to do because he has watched so much porn that he can't be aroused by normal sexual acts. I have lasting physical and psychological damage from anal sex and various other sexual acts that I didn't really want, and it was years ago now. I guarantee you don't want to deal with that.

What is happening to you isn't just the normal give and take in a sexual relationship, it's coercive sexual abuse. He needs to be doing something that could hurt or potentially kill you (in terms of the choking, it takes very little effort for a man to kill a woman with his hands around her neck) in order to be aroused enough to maintain a not so strong erection. It's probably absolutely fine erection wise when he is watching women be raped and abused on the internet, which is undoubtedly what he is choosing to watch. Go and have a look yourself, it sadly isn't hard to find videos of trafficked women sobbing as they are beaten choked and penetrated by multiple rapists on camera. I could not be with someone who watched that, let alone thought it ok to play out scenes of abuse in real life.

Please OP for your own sake get out of this 'relationship' before you come to serious harm.

Do you know what happened 3 years ago to trigger this OP?

I'm not sure he wants to actually harm me - he is a lot bigger than me (over 6foot and I am 5 foot 2) so he could have easily hurt me by now if he was going to.

I'm sorry to be confusing I'm just not really sure how to explain this any better!

There is 0 chance of him going to the gp.