Aibu to just want to have normal sex without faffing about for ages, sulks or sexual compromises!

[juststopthefaffing]

I should start with I love my dh we have been together for 18 years since we were teenagers. Our relationship outside this issue is very good.

But the last 3 years when we have sex he can't maintain an erection for long and even when he does it is lacking in the um... what's the word- hardness ? It like it can't quite decide whether to quit and go home.

He is 33 so he's still relatively young and also healthy.

This has become a big thing (for him). He get so incredibly frustrated he gets annoyed and willing to do pretty much anything to get actual sex.

This means that I spend a lot of my time just trying to keep him happy, I'm sure you can imagine the general picture but it also means that I end up doing things I am not 100% happy with just to make the actual sex physically possible.

He won't admit there is an issue because it works when we go through the annoying and frankly boring to me steps that we have to go through but even then by the time we actually get to have sex I can't even be bothered or worse I just feel like I don't want him anywhere near me anymore!

I feel bad for him, but tbh I'm starting to feel like why should I never have "nice" sex again. I want him to go to the gp he point blank won't and I know that no amount of cajoling ,threatening or otherwise will change that.

Aibu to want to just have enjoyable sex? Is it cruel to force the point with him?

Peace out I don't know I think it was roughly three years ago I think it's just sort of came on slowly.

OP :(

This sounds really horrible. And it sounds like you're not really ready to admit how horrible it is. I think that is normal.

A decent man would never get off on doing things his partner doesn't enjoy. Try to imagine it the other way round - if you couldn't get aroused, would you choke him, force things into his anus, make him go down on you even if he didn't like any of those things.

There is a lot of good advice and comments here for you. If you only take one thing on board I hope that Is what was said in the last paragraph by PANSIES. Enthusiastic consent or not really consent at all. Don't degrade yourself for anyone.

Think about where this is going OP, what are your choices?

I don't think he's going to change, perhaps in his 50s or 60s his sex drive might decline and he'll be less demanding

I'm not sure he wants to actually harm me - he is a lot bigger than me (over 6foot and I am 5 foot 2) so he could have easily hurt me by now if he was going to.

It doesn't necessarily work like that though. He might not consciously set out to hurt you, but he might gradually "need" it to become rougher, or lose control. The fact that he's much bigger and stronger than you makes that more dangerous.

What's he like in other ways? - ask yourself honestly. Do you often find yourself doing things you don't really want to to keep him happy? Is the relationship fair and equal in terms of money, household work and admin, mutual respect? Does he care about what you want in other situations?

The trouble is it's very easy to make excuses for unpleasant behaviour from someone who's supposed to love you, and to keep telling yourself "oh well I don't mind that much" in order not to have to face up to it. Many of us have been there. So we want to help you avoid things getting more unpleasant, if that's a possibility.

OP, you absolutely should not be doing anything sexually that you don't wholehearted and enthusiastically enjoy and consent to. That's the first and most important thing. So stop, please.

It may well be that your partner is watching too much porn and has become desensitised to "vanilla" sex. Or it may be that "vanilla" sex isn't what he's into and never will be, and actually you are just fundamentally sexually incompatible. That happens too. Some people (women as well) enjoy a power dynamic in a sexual relationship, and that can include name-calling and light choking (although it's important to note that choking IS very dangerous if not done properly and safety rules should always be followed). Liking dominant sex doesn't make him a sexual deviant - BUT forcing you to do it when you don't want to is completely and utterly WRONG.

Having said that, whether this is a porn issue or simply a sexual compatibility issue, I wouldn't continue in a relationship with someone who forced me to do / coerced me into doing anything in bed that I didn't want to - that's sexual assault.

There is 0 chance of him going to the gp.

OP, he is not going to go to the GP because it isn't a problem for him because you are enabling him to not have to face it.

If you want to help him then you have to do whatever it takes to make him get help and go to the GP. Are you prepared to leave him if that is what it takes?

If it was a choice of going to the GP or you leaving, what do you think he would do, OP?

It sounds like he's gradually conditioned you to think his behaviour in bed is normal/OK/not that bad. But it IS NOT normal or OK.

What if the next step is tying you up or pretending to rape you?

I'm not willing to leave him we have a large family , I am a sahm and daytimes are fine. It's just evenings that are difficult.

Sorry.

I think you're not quite taking in what other posters are saying with regards to the porn.

It sounds as though he cannot maintain a satisfactory erection unless he can reenact something he has seen in porn films. Excess porn can desensitized the brain to normal sexual arousal.

You are clearly at a stage where you are sexually incompatible as he cannot maintain an erection doing what you want to do and you feel uncomfortable and unhappy doing what he wants you to do.

It sounds like you both need counselling to address your incompatibility.

I understand where you are at OP. MN will be here to support you whether you leave or not, and if you change your mind too. You have nothing to apologise for.

Omg. Just get out. I've read the updates and
Fuck trying to solve his issues.
I couldn't be with someone who makes me wait for sex until next month so that I was so eager to please that i will do anything to get some attention/sex from him.
Besides you said it right in the very first part of your thread. You want "nice sex" he is not able to give it to you.

I don't think he means no sex until July just no more of that one particular thing until July.

He knows that he has all the power and you can't leave

well if I make a fuss he says well let's not do it again. A few days ago he said "well lets leave it at that for June".

This man sounds like a manipulative abusive asshole, and he has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever .

"I think maybe I've made this sound more dramatic than it is..."
You really haven't.

Take a step back for a second, and look at it as if it's a science experiment on another species. Read the following in David Attenbourough's voice if it helps .

The male does not copulate with the female without making environmental changes. Each of these changes are unwanted by the female. They include making her feel unsafe, by putting his hands around her neck; or making her feel demeaned by calling her horrible names, or penetrating her anally. The male continues to insist he will take no steps to change these practices. Where, you may ask yourself, did the male learn of these practices? Not from the female, who dislikes them, and who, indeed, is increasingly frustrated and repulsed by them. So he must have learned of them elsewhere. The male spends a significant proportion of his day using a computer, through which a media called 'porn' is available. The practices he employs are the common fare of this 'porn', and doubtless this has led to his exploration of its practices, to the exclusion of normal copulation. So, he now demands the female to submit to demeaning and unsafe practices in order that he conform to the 'porn'. It can be seen that wheras he previously derived satisfaction from the copulation, what he now derives satisfaction from is the demeaning of the female. She is no longer a partner in his copulation, she is now demoted to 'object'. And an object that is despised and mistreated.

Seriously, you are no longer having sex; you are just a fuck-hole to his pornified masturbation.

Your future is in your hands. Refuse to participate in his scenarios. If he can't get it up, then masturbate your frustration away. You're not enjoying it any more, so just ditch it. He goes to the GP and sorts himself out. He tells the GP he has desensitised himself through porn use and his marriage will break up if he doesn't get his act together.

18 years of marriage. You should be able to talk to each other about this. It is time for you to woman up, and say 'no more'. No more watching porn. No more refusing to go to the GP. No more repulsive sex. No more enabling on your part. You have been patient, but NO MORE. He get's a fucking grip on this or he get's the fuck out. And mean it. Because it will get worse. He'll become desensitised to what he's already doing, and his wants will become more extreme. The hands won't just be round your throat, they'll be squeezing you unconscious. It needs to stop, NOW.

I'm not sure he wants to actually harm me - he is a lot bigger than me (over 6foot and I am 5 foot 2) so he could have easily hurt me by now if he was going to

THIS

Thats not normal at all he is abusing you serious conversation at least is required and yes agree with all re the porn issue its not normal most all porn.

He is threatening you with no sex whatsoever unless he gets his way and you do things you don't enjoy. This is abusive. It doesn't matter how fantastic he is in the day. This is very wrong and if he is unwilling to accept that then you will have to either 1. Split up, or 2. Cease the sexual side of your relationship altogether.

I would suggest that you need to see a counsellor for yourself, OP x

He is addicted to porn and the fact that he can't have sex with you unless he is degrading you in some way is very worrying.

Stop allowing him to abuse your body.

This man is scheduling when he's going to abuse you. Because it is abuse. 110%.

I feel for you, I really do but you are the only person that can take control of your own life. You're minimising his behaviour and that's easy for you to do because he's all you've ever known.

I hope you find the strength to act on wanting better for yourself sooner rather than later because the reality is, Your "d"h sounds like a sociopath. How long until just wrapping his hands around your neck is no longer enough to arouse him and he needs to kick it up a notch? How long until he needs to wrap a belt around your neck or needs to hear you choking to get his rocks off? What you have described is a ticking time bin and you could end up dead.

OP it sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into trying to help your DH maintain an erection and going so far as to do things that turn you off so that you both can have sex and in theory enjoy yourselves. Does he actually climax during this type of sex?

The thing that jumps out at me the most is that it's all about maintaining his election so he can climax but what about you? How much effort is put into you enjoying yourself, does he just give you a passing wave (so to speak) but it's straight on to attempting PIV and then anal etc?

Whilst it may feel shocking and probably a bit offensive that PP have said he should just get a blow up doll instead, what needs to be realised is that Penetrative sex isn't going to just magically be the answer although the porn use has probably conditioned him to think that the minute a prnis is roughly shoved in a woman will start bucking and hitting the heights of orgasm.

Could you suggest that you have a no penetration rule next time so that you both have to put the effort into just enjoying the sexual experience and creating intimacy with no pressure to climax and take it from there?

I ultimately think you both need to go to counceling which specialises in sex and porn addiction and you need an honest chat with him about his porn use.

*I'm not willing to leave him we have a large family , I am a sahm and daytimes are fine. It's just evenings that are difficult.

Sorry.*

OK. So what about a talk where you tell him that you no longer want to have sex with him as it is not at all enjoyable for you, and that you will be looking for it elsewhere?

What is possible, OP? Can you discuss this? You say he 'won't' go to the GP. Have you explained that this is massively disrespectful?

You sound like you are merely grateful he hasn't hurt you OP. Please read your thread as if it was from another. whereyouleftit 's post is spot on. You are nothing but a glorified wank sock in your own sex life.You need to speak to him. Suggest psychosexual counselling and a GP visit at best or at least couples counselling so you can get your side across in a controlled environment. It should not all be about him and the June comment is punishing you for not complying.

Well seen as though you won't leave him op, enjoy being bullied for the foreseeable future, honestly you need to leave he sounds disgusting.

He fuck you up the arse, calls you names and chokes you . What the hell?!

Ask yourself this OP, if he didn't have an erectile issue and it was just something he enjoyed and got arroused by, would you still allow this behaviour from him?