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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find DH so embarrassing?

221 replies

BladdersRoom · 18/06/2017 08:29

I feel bad writing this because I love my DH but I need to vent.

Last year we booked tickets to my all time favourite band's reunion tour in London. I had given up hope of ever seeing them live so was over the moon and so very excited. Last night was the date of the event. DH drank too much as usual and when the band came on he was jumping around and dancing wildly and a couple of blokes behind him started threatening him and giving him a sly jab every time he knocked into them. I told him to calm it down but he just doesn't listen. In the end this big bloke had a go at him and DH replied with "oh god!" Like a teenager and then went in a strop, stop doing there with his arms folded not moving. I was aware of all this going on but I pretended I wasn't as I was just so embarrassed. Anyway he started up again after a while and ended up getting a mouthful of a woman stood next to us. He nearly knocked me over a few times and I had to push him a few times myself.

On top of this he was screeching loudly which sounded like he was taking the piss out of the singers voice, shouting out stupid things like "Axl we love you!" Which got everyone staring at him and when the guitarist did a solo DH was shouting out "1,2,1,2" over and over and for anyone stood near him, it was spoiling what was actually a really mellow solo.

When the singer introduced the band members DH booed loudly at the ones he didn't recognise and now the most mortifying of all - the singer took a few seconds to mention the Grenfell fire and whilst h as talking DH screamed out "we want more music!" I was mortified and turned to him and snapped "he's talking about the fire! Shut up!" Bare in mind we're in fucking London!!!

He just ruined the whole gig for me as I spent the night embarrassed and hoping to god he/we didn't get lynched on the way out.

He does this EVERYTIME we go and see a band. Even when we went to Thailand we went to a tha boxing fight and he got drunk and started booing one of the fighters (a big no no in Thailand) and shouting "cheat" etc. I need to speak to him about the drinking and his behaviour but I don't want to cause a row or upset him by making out that i find him so embarrassing. Am I over over-reacting?

It's not just this one incident, whenever he's drunk he forces his company on people, starts saying stupid stuff to random strangers, asks for arm wrestles etc - all the while I stand there mortified.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/06/2017 12:23

Marking place. After a marriage where alcohol was an issue and a ltr where alcohol has caused similar I would be running for the hills

Lasagnabreath · 18/06/2017 12:26

Willow don't be stupid, drugs at a festival is not the same as having a drug problem.

Pollyanna9 · 18/06/2017 12:34

Drugs at a festival is not the same as having a drug problem. No, true, but they could become a problem although I accept a lot of people have trouble with alcohol but don't use drugs ever. I think in this case it just shows a total lack of maturity.

I'm looking forward to hearing what a good time OP had out and about in London on her own!

I'd suggest she repeats this behaviour on this entire trip.

Any time he starts on the booze or nods off for hours sleeping it off or starts even slightly getting stupid get a taxi, go to some posh hotel bar or restaurant (whatever tickles your fancy really) and just leave him on his own doing his own stupid thing. Text him to say you'e left the hotel/bar because he's drinking and being a dick and you're safe and will see him later when you come up to the room in order to go to bed. Don't tell him where you are just tell him you're safe.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 18/06/2017 12:38

He's an alcoholic. I'd ask him to get help and if he doesn't I'd be leaving.

Ginger782 · 18/06/2017 12:40

I'm embarrassed for you OP.
Gross alcohol problem. If someone can't control themselves and enjoy a drink or two without turning into a disruptive wanker and writing off the next 24 hours, they shouldn't let alcohol pass their lips.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2017 12:48

Jesus!

Your H is a bellend, he has always been a bellend and he will always be an obnoxious, childish, embarrassing bellend.

He's also horribly selfish and clearly not incredibly bright. As well as being unlikely to mature into any kind of normal functioning adult.

You say you love him. What does that mean to you when you pick it apart? Because your post describes the kind of relationship which is at its heart pretty miserable, because (as you so rightly say) you are fundamentally incompatible. I can't imagine at all that he has many genuine friends. This must affect your social life (what there is of it, given that he is also a problem drinker).

You're 36. You don't say whether you have children or want them, or talk much about what your goals in life are. But I would think that being with a person like this is not one of those goals. I'll say it again - he's a problem drinker, so you also have that to face in the future.

How do you think you're going to feel about him after, say, ten more years of enduring this awfulness? (He's 46, so this is him. There will be no change).

I hope you went out without him. I hope you tell him how much he ruined last night for you. (I actually wish you'd got up, left him a note saying he's an utter prick and once again you are left after a night out wishing to god you'd married someone else, but I guess that wasn't to be. Maybe if it were, he might have a slight more smidgen of self-awareness, but I doubt it - he sounds so awful that he can't possibly be intelligent enough to process what he's like.)

Things with a person like this will only get worse. That's all there is to say really. Your posts have left me Shock

BagelGoesWalking · 18/06/2017 12:50

"Does your fanny not dry up every time you see him like this"

GrinGrinGrin

Naicehamshop · 18/06/2017 12:52

The bottom line is that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to listen to you. Sad

CalmItKermitt · 18/06/2017 12:56

I hope you went out and are having a great day 🙂

winglesspegasus · 18/06/2017 13:13

and we thought axel had bad behavior
go alone next time

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 18/06/2017 13:20

Hope that you are having a nice day out OP

Please ignore PaulDacres comment on being cool and distant to let him know you are pissed off. He's already behaving like a child, why join in with passive aggressive nonsense

I'm not suggesting she be passive aggressive. I'm suggesting that being cool and distant and disengaged is a more effective strategy than getting upset or angry.

Charlie97 · 18/06/2017 13:24

Run for the hills!!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/06/2017 13:30

Wow. I'd be so mortified by his behaviour that I wouldn't ever take him out with me again, or go with him unless he stopped drinking so much.

DH has had his moments in the past but is himself utterly mortified by any bad behaviour of his - after one particularly embarrassing works do, he stopped drinking alcohol entirely for 21 months. He doesn't drink to excess now, hardly ever; and goes weeks on end without a drink at all.

So sorry your trip has been spoilt so much.

GnomeDePlume · 18/06/2017 13:37

The thing is he has told you who he really is. Who he really is is someone who gets hammered and stoned, behaves like a boorish, embarrassing arse. Who doesnt care how many people he hurts and upsets (including you).

That is who he is, he told you himself.

Do you want to be with who he really is?

GeekyWombat · 18/06/2017 13:47

Have an amazing day in the sunshine OP. So glad you're going out

DileenODoubts · 18/06/2017 13:56

Yay for you being out of the hotel.

You don't need to have an argument.
Just say 'listen, i'm not going out with you anymore, looking after you isn't a good night for me and I get embarrassed, I'll go to gigs with my friends, and if it's a thing we both have to go to I'm leaving after you've had 3 drinks'

I bet his mates are mortified too and feel sorry for you but are delighted you're there to deal with him.

It's not going to be a big revelation to him that he's embarrassing, he knows deep down - that's why he gets defensive.

He's telling himself 'i can't be that bad, op keeps going out to drink with me and she's never been told me she's embarrassed'

The festival won't be worth it, imagine the relief of not having to mind him for a few nights and having the time off for yourself. Stay home and let him do what he wants. He'll soon see it's not just you who doesn't want to put up with him.

Enjoy London!

ilovegin112 · 18/06/2017 13:57

He won't believe there is a problem because she has gone along with it for so long (10+ years??) op said when she was drinking she was joining in with him doing these things, he obviously has a major drinking problem, it's a pity nobody got security and got him thrown out of concert

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/06/2017 14:07

Bladders I'm glad that you're out and about today. I agree with other posters that this isn't going to get better. I'd also suggest that your husband is using you as a 'foil' as I doubt that he'd behave like this if he were on his own.

The 10 years between you isn't an issue but the wide ocean of understanding and compatibility really is. His behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy and it's not going to change. You've told him before.. and nothing has changed. The only change is going to come from you, not him.

How much of this can you stand?

<strong>Aspergallus  Sun 18-Jun-17 10:53:51</strong>
<strong>Please ignore PaulDacres comment</strong> on being cool and distant to let him know you are pissed off. He's already behaving like a child, why join in with passive aggressive nonsense. 

Just how obnoxious are you, <strong>Aspergallus</strong>?  Fair enough to disagree with and disregard what another poster says but to be so rude as to instruct the OP to ignore another poster.  It says a lot. <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Shock" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/shock-7MJQdU1X.png">
happypoobum · 18/06/2017 14:41

Tbh I wouldn't think his behaviour was acceptable even if he was 18.

What on earth do you see in him? He sounds awful and it's so sad that he has basically told you he prioritises drink and drugs over his marriage.

I agree with PP I find it hard to believe he is only a wanker when drunk. I bet he is a total dick in other ways when sober Sad

You probably think you have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and don't want it all to have been wasted, but every day you stay with this pratt is another wasted day.

YouOKHun · 18/06/2017 14:41

OP, I feel that this situation can only get worse. He has a drink problem that he has no intention of changing (from the sounds of what you say). I really would get out while you can and stop having the handbrake applied to your life by this man-child. Where would you like to be in 5 or 10 years time? Feeling that your prime is passing you by in a series of let downs and his behaviour isolating and humiliating you? I think you deserve better.

Whathaveilost · 18/06/2017 15:17

Tell him, you know those old blokes with greying ponytails and rock t shirts who haven't changed their style since they were 20? Are they cool or objects of derision and pity?
To be fair I think that is a bit of a shitty thing to say.
I know quite a few blokes like this and they aren't pretending to be cool or hip or even 20 again. They found something they were comfortable with and have no interest in fashion. They don't need pity. The guys I know like this are quite peaceful and gentle, the Op's DH! on the other hand sounds like a pain in the ass!

SeagullsStoleMyChurro · 18/06/2017 15:40

I don't know how you could still love, fancy or respect someone who behaves like that.

Jux · 18/06/2017 15:50

Don't go out him again.

Glad you're out and about, enjoy. I'm realy, really [env]EnvyEnvy

Aspergallus · 18/06/2017 16:06

LyingWitch not sure how you read obnoxious and "instruct" into a statement beginning "Please...". It's a discussion forum and people will make their disagreement clear in different ways.

And PaulDacre, I'm afraid your advice was totally PA. Be cold, be distant, let him know how pissed off you are. Hopefully it will shake him enough to realise that... Why not just communicate clearly like an adult? This is essentially sulking.

morningconstitutional2017 · 18/06/2017 16:09

I think I'd go to gigs with a friend instead. If he asked why point out his embarrassing behaviour.
I used to work with someone like this. At staff parties - he'd drink too much, laugh too loud, generally become more and more obnoxious - his poor wife looked so mortified and we all felt so sorry for her. All round, an unhappy situation.