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AIBU?

Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
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fullofhope03 · 19/06/2017 07:02

PS - Sorry OP - On this occasion I think, as you husband is also going to be a guest at the celebrations, £10 more from each of you will have to be forked out. Understand it's a pain in the arse though. Hope you enjoy the wedding - xx

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Merlanguis · 19/06/2017 07:03

Vetinari, I think you'll find I've answered your questions if you read the thread.

OP posts:
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burnoutbabe · 19/06/2017 07:06

when friends have asked me to go in with them on a group wedding present, I have been able to say "my budget was £x for me and OH so I'm happy to contribute that towards the gift" - My budget will be a bit more if both me and OH go but also less if i have travelled/am not close to the couple etc and whether its a evening/day invite. As there is no standard amount, you need to clarify with others what their budget is for wedding gifts. I'd tend to think of a couple in this situation as probably spending a bit more but then if OH doesn't know the couple, its not a gift HE will be paying for so if we split 3 ways, i'd be paying double.

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KERALA1 · 19/06/2017 09:42

Interesting debate!

Instinctively -

  • in this situation couple are unit. Otherwise weird, say 4 family members 4 separate presents? Especially if as in most cases one of you is the main friend and the partner essentially a plus one. It's like op is being penalised for having a boyfriend.


  • in pubs or restaurants etc pay as individual for what you consume otherwise very unfair.
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cluelessnewmum · 19/06/2017 09:49

Another one to agree 3-way split. You and two friends are the friend of the bride, your dh is just a plus one so shouldn't be included.

In the case of sharing a taxi or splitting a meal then of course it's per person not per couple.

Just say you'd assumed a 3 way split, your budget is max £40 so you'll get your in gift if they're not happy with that.

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angelacharlie · 19/06/2017 09:51

Why, when (most of the time), they have 2 incomes coming in, do they tend to think this?

Many do only have one income between them (sahm) and/or they have children to provide for and childcare costs.

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DonutCone · 19/06/2017 10:04

What does your DH say about it? Mine would be absolutely mortified at the idea of not contributing towards a gift. Never in a million years would he agree to a 3 way split and still put his name on the card.

He wouldn't entertain the idea of us paying the same towards a gift as a single person, he would see that as him taking advantage.

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KERALA1 · 19/06/2017 10:28

Ha yes I was super rich as a single now (big job could focus all energy on career no dependents) now...not so much. So single equals poorer not always the case.

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drinkingtea · 19/06/2017 13:38

The split on here is between people who think of gift giving as essentially a pseudo financial transaction and people who see present giving as a separate category.

People talking about bringing two bottles or a bottle and beers to a party clearly aren't talking about present giving but about bringing what they'll drink - the single bottle as a gift is different to bring a bottle, and bringing alcohol to cover the estimated financial value of your meal even if it means bringing a bulk shop is weird

Paying for rounds has absolutely nothing to do with gift giving - I'm totally flummoxed by why it has been brought in unless people are thinking they are "paying" for their wedding invitation with a gift.

Which clearly some people are.

Wedding presents are to wish the newly weds well in married life, not to pay for the wedding! It's properly strange to view gift giving as transactional imo and the logic is so deeply flawed unless there is a set "price" per person or some kind of strict income based rule - which clearly there isn't!

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Coughandsplutter · 19/06/2017 14:00

Cheeky batch! What is wrong with some people?!?

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Coughandsplutter · 19/06/2017 14:03

Bitch *

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RandomUsernameHere · 19/06/2017 14:13

Completely agree with you OP, you are not BU, it should be a three way split. The recipients will assume it was a three way split too, unless you specify otherwise, which would be weird.

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marhav999 · 19/06/2017 19:50

My preference would be the abolition of weddings and the expensive grabby deluded nonsense they have become. Noone's wedding is original and no one thinks anyone else's wedding was better than hers. ( or his)
In the absence of this all I can say is stand your ground and resolve to always do your own thing if money is involved. Always brings out the worst in people.

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RideOn · 19/06/2017 19:57

Honestly
I'd say a couple wouldnt get one present each, but they prob would have a slightly bigger present than a single.
Maybe a £10:£15 ratio. (in my mind, I have never spoken about this to anyone)

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InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 19/06/2017 20:52

It's silly to think a couple would give two presents, but they should or probably would spend a bit more than a single person.

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fullofhope03 · 20/06/2017 06:04

Obviously my previous post wasn't very clear angelacharlie - If there is just one income per household (ie, you are a SAHM), then I wouldn't think it unreasonable for you and your DP to contribute as one.

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Whileweareonthesubject · 20/06/2017 21:47

Surely a couple sets their present budget based on their joint income. If dh and I can afford £40 ,then that's what we can afford. There's no way we'd then be able to find an equivalent amount because the gift is from us both. And because it would have come from joint funds, DH would have contributed. In OP's case, she and her dh had a budget. Her friend railroaded her into buying a joint gift. The friend's budget is clearly different to the op's, but that is not op's fault. Friend should have been clearer about the expectation before giving op instructions to buy the gift.

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Nospringflower · 20/06/2017 22:08

I would definitely expect to buy a bigger present if it was coming from 2 people (you and your husband) so of course you should be contributing more than single friends. Good decision OP!

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BearsDontDigOnDancing · 21/06/2017 19:07

Or you should contribute what you can ruddy well afford, single or in a couple or whatever!

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