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Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
eachtigertires · 17/06/2017 17:42

Three way split. Tell them your DH is getting them a different gift. Is it not usually one gift per invitation? If I was a family of four invited to a wedding, the bride and groom wouldn't be getting 4 gifts from us...

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:42

Thank you for the rapid replies.

My friends are single and don't have plus ones. However the 2 girls, bride & I were close knit friends a few years ago. DH met bride through being with me. Drifted apart a little since then.

Interested in the reply saying that as a couple giving a present we should spend twice the amount. Have joint finances with DH so generally give presents jointly & they probably would be of similar value as they would have been if I was giving the present as a single person!

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 17/06/2017 17:45

Something similar happened before my wedding. Two couples and one single, the single thought present should be split 5 ways, the couples said by 3. They fell out and weren't really speaking when I got wed. I found out much later.

I'd have preferred people only spent what they felt comfortable with and certainly not got to the point of falling out. Wedding presents don't need to cost much - any gift is a lovely gesture but that's all.
Tell them it's over your budget and return it.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 17/06/2017 17:47

I would have assumed it was spilt per person. If the other two don't have plus ones then they are paying more per person than you are. It's not fair on then for you both to pay less per head just because you're in a couple.

Just take it back and exchange it for something cheaper.

andintothefire · 17/06/2017 17:47

Three way split if the present is only from the three of you. Four way split if it is also from your DH.

From your friends' perspective, they only have one set of finances coming in, one person's earning potential, and are only benefitting from one person going to the wedding. In the absence of contrary arrangements beforehand, I would assume that the couple would contribute per person and not simply count one person's financial contribution as sufficient for both their names to be on the present.

Have a lovely time at the wedding!

BlondeB83 · 17/06/2017 17:49

I think if you are all attending the day then you should contribute equally so a 4-way split would be right, going by the old thing of giving a gift the equivalent of your meal on the day.

However, if you're not comfortable with the amount then I would take it back.

JennyOnAPlate · 17/06/2017 17:50

I can see this from both sides actually. From their point of view the gift is being handed over from 4 people, therefore 4 people pay for it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/06/2017 17:51

I would take it back, and get your own gift.

angelacharlie · 17/06/2017 17:51

I wouldn't expect a couple to pay more than a single guest. I don't think you are being unreasonable here.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/06/2017 17:52

I would go with the four way split for an easy life, but never do joint anything with them again without agreeing terms beforehand. I would also make sure that you and your DH are the first two names on the card (I enjoy passive-aggressive pettiness Wink ).

ChicRock · 17/06/2017 17:52

Just tell them your DH has decided not to get them a gift so you'll be splitting 3 ways.

B&G are going to assume it's from both you and your DH anyway.

DonutCone · 17/06/2017 17:53

Obviously I would spend more on a present if I was going as couple.

It's very tight to spend the same amount on a present that you' spend as a single person when there are 2 of you having a meal.

bobblyorangerug · 17/06/2017 17:53

The couple count as one. My husband and I give gifts together but don't spend double because there are two of us Hmm

I certainly wouldn't suck it up. There are a lot of push overs on mumsnet clearly.

Just tell the friends what your budget is, they split it three ways or it goes back, and that's the end of it.

RandomMess · 17/06/2017 17:54

I think the issue is that you can't afford the £60...

Always dangerous to assume any split tbh!

andintothefire · 17/06/2017 17:55

Maybe you could say that it would be nice if the present were just from the three of you and your DH will sort out himself? Then he doesn't actually need to buy an additional present - I'm sure the bride and groom wouldn't even notice or mind! To me it is more that it might be perceived by your friends as a bit unfair to have his name on the gift if you and he only pay half as much each as the other two.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 17/06/2017 17:55

Op, just wondering do you think you and your DH count as the same person in other aspects? For example an invitation that just had your name on it is for him as well?

Flyinggeese · 17/06/2017 17:55

OP do you still have the receipt? I'd take it back and inform the friends that's what you've done, saying it was over budget so please could everyone come to their own arrangements.

Money and friends never usually mix well. It's so awkward isn't it?

farangatang · 17/06/2017 17:55

I agree it should be a three-way split. The bride is friends with you and the 2 girls' - nothing against your DH, but he is associated with this wedding by default of being your partner!
If your friends disagree, I concur with PPs who suggested that you return the gift, explaining you (as a couple) had budgeted 40 quid. Apologise for any disappointment or misunderstanding, but you hope they respect this.

feelingcalledlove · 17/06/2017 17:56

YANBU but it depends on how much you need to save the money and how much it will upset your friend to be honest about it.

I think it would be reasonable to say that you only planned to spend £40 as a couple, however this might mean returning the gift. I think if you can afford the £60 it might be worth just paying this time, and just chalk it up to experience - it's not worth falling out over, unless you really can't afford it.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/06/2017 17:57

I was with you OP before I started reading the replies. Now I can see both sides. Both of you are going. By that theory, the bride and groom have to pay for both of you.

I think it's easier to buy your own gift though if your budget is a bit tight.

BeBeatrix · 17/06/2017 18:00

Are your friends partners going? If so then its a 3 way 'couple' split.
If not then its a 4 way 'person' split

This. It irritates me when couples count themselves as one financial unit for presents, e.g. buy a £15 birthday present for their single friend, whilst expecting a £15 present back for each of them.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 17/06/2017 18:01

It irritates me when couples count themselves as one financial unit for presents, e.g. buy a £15 birthday present for their single friend, whilst expecting a £15 present back for each of them.

This sums up my thinking better than I did.


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raindropstea · 17/06/2017 18:02

I agree with you, OP. And I think your friends sound cheap. Is the person getting married more of your friend anyway or is she also friends with your husband?

As a sidenote I've been feeling irked all day by a cousin. She is due to have a baby soon. This same cousin also had a bridal shower a few years ago and that whole side of my family are greedy opportunists. They really use their wedding registries as gimme gimme opportunities. They have things on there that most people don't have in their house well into their senior years (things like a soda fountain, popcorn maker, K cup machine, etc)... Well on her baby registry she has chosen not one but 2 strollers that cost over 700 each. She also has "nursing scarves" and tops for herself on it. And just duplicates of things... how many baby gyms does one baby need?

Billben · 17/06/2017 18:02

A couple counts as one. I would take the gift back and would just buy a new gift for the amount I was intending on spending in the first place. When you buy birthday presents for your children or parents for example, does the husband& wife/mummy&daddy buy separate gifts? No, it's from both of you.

ARumWithAView · 17/06/2017 18:03

We were in a similar situation last year, right down to the gift cost: two (single) friends and DH and I clubbed together to buy a mutual friend a £120 wedding gift. DH and I paid £60, and the others paid £30 each. I was the one who organised the gift and suggested this. The single friends didn't have plus ones: our four names went on the card.

DH and I have completely joint finances and I do think of us as one financial unit, but occasionally this has led me to (accidentally!) act like a total twat, like the time I assumed we'd split a four-person car rental (with same 2 single friends) three ways. Somewhere in my mind 'joint finances' became 'DH and I miraculously take up a single car seat and no more petrol than one'. I also need to remind myself that we both need to get the drinks in when doing rounds. I can imagine, if you've been single for a while, you might witness a fair bit of this obliviousness/fuckery over time and get annoyed at how often you come off worse.

Wedding gifts are a bit more complicated, since you don't actually use a share of what's being purchased; really, you're paying to have your name on the card. I wouldn't attend a wedding with DH and buy separate gifts, but neither would I assume we counted as one person in a joint-gift arrangement. It does depend on the situation, though, so it's best establishing this before the gift is bought. So neither you nor your friend are being unreasonable. If the money's not a big deal, I'd just pay what she suggests and make things clearer next time.

[sits back, smug at having given obvious, after-the-fact advice]

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