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Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 18/06/2017 01:12

Your friends should just say that they are counting themselves as a couple now and go half and half.

DH and I would spent more as a couple, usually £50, on a gift. If I'm alone I'll do £30. So not double but a bit more.

The poster who asked if couples do two gifts for family and children. Obviously not you're just being silly. Those gifts are from you both as a couple (or DH does his family, I do mine, use joint account for dc) but you aren't splitting that with other friends so it's totally irrelevant.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/06/2017 01:20

Sorry if I've missed it, but the question now is what do you do about it, OP?

stargazer2030 · 18/06/2017 06:48

Yanbu . it's definitely a 3 way split. It would never occur to me that you spend more if there's 2 of you. Text back and tell her. If they don't agree take it back saying it was more than you wanted to spend. It shouldn't cause an argument.

stargazer2030 · 18/06/2017 07:02

I should have added that I completely agree that couple should pay per person when splitting most things meals, rounds, holiday rentals etc. A gift is ridiculous though - so is the thought that you should spend the cost of your meal.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2017 07:23

I've defended your 3 way split scenario. However, your last comment was confusing. Your dh has known the friend asking for a 4 way split longer than you have known him.

Does that mean he is friends with the bride in his own right as well? If he is, then I'm not surprised she expected a 4 way split as this doesn't make your dh a +1 but a friend of the bride, who happened to marry another friend of the bride and as such 4 friends clubbing together to buy a present.

Nelly5678 · 18/06/2017 07:31

It's a present from you as a couple not as individuals so no I'd have stuck with 40 each

PrimalLass · 18/06/2017 07:40

But long ago when dinner party hosting was a real thing in my life nobody ever rocked up and handed over two bottles. I suppose maybe a sometimes a bottle and a little box of chocolates, or flowers, but never 2 bottles - that would just look as though they thought the host was an alcoholic!

Whenever we go to someone else's house we would always take two bottles, or a bottle plus beers, and then something else like flowers, fizz or chocolates.

Merlanguis · 18/06/2017 08:43

Mummy of little dragon, we were a close group of four female friends. I met DH on a night out with my mate and we got engaged about six months later. He met the bride through me and I wouldn't expect them to text/meet up independently of me but I wouldn't be particularly surprised if he phoned my other friend up for a chat/went out for a drink together.

OP posts:
Merlanguis · 18/06/2017 09:09

I've split it four ways btw.

Thank you for all your input. I have to say, I still remain unconvinced by team "splitting it four ways" arguments however there are enough of you to make me think it was a reasonable thing for my friend to ask. Bottom line, I can't be bothered to make a fuss, or reveal my inner pettiness, over twenty quid.

As for the other points raised. I'm with drinking tea on most points. Considering your present as a % of your wedding meal seems like a weirdly transactional approach to gift buying! Taxis, dinners and drinks rounds should absolutely be split by "bums on seats"/number of people present.

Turning up to a dinner party with a bottle of wine per guest is frankly an odd thing to do.

OP posts:
Urubu · 18/06/2017 09:20

Maybe you could say that it would be nice if the present were just from the three of you and your DH will sort out himself? Then he doesn't actually need to buy an additional present

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/06/2017 10:42

I see you've agreed to the 4 way split. And your post he's not a friend but a +1.... live and learn.

Deemail · 18/06/2017 10:58

I'd consider it normal for a couple to give a larger wedding gift than a single person.
Have to say I'm really surprised by the amounts mentioned for wedding gifts. It's much lower than what's became the norm here in Ireland where cash is king for wedding gifts.
€150 per couple would be average but often it's much more especially if it's for family or close friends. The idea would be to at least cover your meal, the band and throw in extra for a gift. It's crazy and makes the whole day really expensive. Sometimes wedding invites feels like a summons!

Merlanguis · 18/06/2017 11:55

I agree. I would normally spend more on a wedding present but it's a destination wedding in a remote location which is essentially going to cost us a grand to attend (winces slightly) so I think it's reasonable to spend a little less on a present! 

OP posts:
MumW · 18/06/2017 12:18

Looks as though I should be buying 4 presents for the wedding we're going to.

As it happens, I am making something highly personal and taking many hours. Based on minimum wage, I'd say worth a couple of hundred.
How much should I charge my DH & 2DC to sign the card?

Tapandgo · 18/06/2017 12:50


ooohahhh · 18/06/2017 15:01

150 euros! A lot of people don't even like weddings Shock

Terri26 · 18/06/2017 15:26

As a couple you 'should' be putting in a bigger contribution. If your friends werent eveb given a plus one they shouldnt have to contribute towards your partners present. You don't necessarily have to put in double. I'm from Ireland though where weddings cost a lot more and have more expenses as people would put in 100-200 euro as a present! As a couple 150-200 would be the norm!

pringlecat · 18/06/2017 15:32

YABU. Four guests, four-way split. If your DH wasn't going to the wedding, then it would be a three-way split.

If you were doing a round at the pub with your friends, would you and your DH count as "one unit" and share one drink?

With that said, if you can't afford the £60, offer to return the present and all buy something else instead individually.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 18/06/2017 16:14

You are right - couples don't buy gifts twice as expensive as single people!

Everyone I know does - for weddings anyway. I give €50 if I go to a wedding as a single and €100 if I go in a couple. And that's cheap for Ireland. Most people I know give €100 if single and €200 if a couple.

Gooseysgirl · 18/06/2017 16:30

Agree Corporal... when I was single I always gave €100, but since I've been married I give €200 (crazy Irish wedding gifting 🙄). Anyway getting back to the OP, a lesson learned... I think you were right to agree to split it four ways.

Sparklyglitter · 18/06/2017 17:27

I agree with you! Myself and husband would never buy a separate present and when we have clubbed in with others we are treated as a package! Your friend is being cheeky. I would text sorry that's more than I can afford I'll take the gift back and let's just do our own thing, no big deal but money is a bit tight....

clarkl2 · 18/06/2017 17:54

That's sooooooooo rude


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Burnett · 18/06/2017 17:59

Never get involved with joint presents. I would bite my tongue but also tempted to say 'no way' pull out. Are the other women taking a DH.?

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 18/06/2017 18:06

YANBU - they've made a nice little discount out of you

JS06 · 18/06/2017 18:12

Your friend is a chancer and the split should be 3 ways, 3 units of folk going to wedding.

She's been very presumptive to dictate what is to be bought, instruct you to buy it and then argue the toss about financing later.

Great advice above about taking gift back!

Enjoy the wedding.

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