My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
Report
Slimthistime · 17/06/2017 18:04

Should be split per person.

Report
GingerRogers84 · 17/06/2017 18:04

I agree! It's like those people who suggest splitting the bill by number of people, when they've had the steak and I've had a salad! 😑

Report
Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 18:09

Interesting set of replies! 

So I'm going to ask the girls to split it three ways. However, if they don't agree then I will probably immediately concede & chalk it up as a lesson learnt. Not worth having a fight over £20! 

The irony is that when I was single, I had a far more disposable income and wouldn't have batted an eye lid over spending £100+ on a wedding present. However, as a couple having wiped out most of our savings buying & now repairing a house and with motherhood impending, I have to think about every penny. Realise it's not relevant to the how we spilt the present mentioned above, but I definitely spend less on presents and the like now than I did when I was single! 

OP posts:
Report
fruitlovingmonkey · 17/06/2017 18:10

It should be split 4 ways if your DH is going to the wedding.

Report
sonjadog · 17/06/2017 18:11

Actually, assuming that his name will also be on the card, I agree with your friends. If the present comes from four people, then four people should split the cost equally.

Report
andintothefire · 17/06/2017 18:13

In general, it is so much more expensive not being in a couple. It happens on joint holidays too - people split holiday rentals per room rather than per person. There is nothing wrong with this, but it means that the people without partners have double the cost per head. Similarly, hotels usually charge per room (or a high single supplement) which means that going on holiday alone is often prohibitively expensive.

Slightly off topic from the original post, but it is why I would always err on the side of generosity when contributing to something jointly with my DP in a group situation. I remember what it was like having to fund everything myself while couple friends got away with only contributing as a single unit (or only buying one round of drinks between them!).

Report
DonutCone · 17/06/2017 18:14

When you out for drinks with a single friend do you make them buy every other round?

No. Most adults buy a round each. What with them each having. Drink and all. How can it be different for a wedding, the Bride and Groom are paying for 2 meals for the 2 of you, why should you pay the same as a single person?

Report
andintothefire · 17/06/2017 18:15

OP - I would really consider suggesting just treating it as a gift from the three of you. I can't see anything wrong with that, and I think it might be nice given that the bride is really your friend. In those circumstances I can't see how your friends would object to splitting the cost three ways.

Report
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2017 18:17

It irritates me when couples count themselves as one financial unit for presents, e.g, buy a £15 birthday present for their single friend, whilst expecting a £15 present back for each of them.

Surely this doesn't happen often. Friends don't normally buy for both parties or decide upon an exact figure to spend.

I do understand both sides to the argument. But at the end of the day, as others have pointed out, ops dh is there because he is with op. Unless we are expected to pay for our presence, the present should be according to affordability at the time. Or should we get to the scenario where everyone pays a percentage according to their gross salary or disposable income?

Report
Flyinggeese · 17/06/2017 18:18

I can see both sides and don't think one is wrong nor the other right. The fact remains the budget is £40 tops so the gift either has to go back (good friends would understand and not want you to go broke over this).

Report
nocoolnamesleft · 17/06/2017 18:19

It's fine to only pay a third as you and your husband are one unit. As long, that is, as you'll both be sitting on the same seat, and sharing a meal from the same plate?

FFS, you're basically trying to charge your friends a single supplement!

Report
DonutCone · 17/06/2017 18:20

Yes, but 4 people are going to the wedding. I can't believe people would actually sign 2 names on a gift when they are only paying the same as 1 single person.

Why can't the 2 friends be a couple and you pay half each?

Report
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 17/06/2017 18:20

I think couples should count as two financial units. However, not all financial units have the same financial freedom and can afford to spend the same amount of money.

If they're good friends, surely a reply of "oh, this is embarrassing, I'd assumed we were going to split three ways rather than four and we can't afford £60 at the moment because of the house. What would you prefer to do? We can split three ways or I can return it and we can each buy our own presents according to our budgets. I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding"

Report
TheMysteriousJackelope · 17/06/2017 18:21

If the bride is a friend of your DH then split it four ways. If the bride is mainly your friend and your DH is only there as your 'plus one' then it should be split three ways.

Report
raindropstea · 17/06/2017 18:21

Actually, I take back my first comment. Given that you and your partner will both be attending, assuming you're having a meal, etc, then it's only fair that you should each pay money toward the gift. Sorry, OP.

Report
AnotheBloodyChinHair · 17/06/2017 18:23

Don't split with your friends if you can't afford it but I don't think they're being cheeky. There's 4 of you, so split it 4 ways. Both you and your husband will have a meal each at the wedding right? You won't be sharing a dish.
And also yes, I agree with PP that you would generally spend more as a couple than a single; not necessarily twice as much, but definitely more.
I hate weddings me....

Report
OlennasWimple · 17/06/2017 18:23

I can see this from both sides,and I don't think either splitting 3 or 4 ways is unreasonable. For the sake of the £20 I would suck it up

Report
drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:23

Do the people saying that it should be split 4 ways take 1 bottle of wine to a dinner party solo but 2 bottles if attending as a couple?

Report
DonutCone · 17/06/2017 18:25

If it were a BYOB thing, then yes, we would bring 2 bottles. We don't like to free load off our friends.

If we are both drinking, we will both contribute.

I wouldn't feel comfortable that we had paid the same towards a gift as our single friend when we were eating 2 meals.

Report
CrownOfPrawns · 17/06/2017 18:26

I am single, and am sick of being stitched up in this way by couples.
Buying them a birthday or Christmas present each, and only getting one back from the pair of them.
Having to shoulder the full cost of everything, instead of having someone to share it with me, I am less able to afford it.

Report
AnotheBloodyChinHair · 17/06/2017 18:29

Do the people saying that it should be split 4 ways take 1 bottle of wine to a dinner party solo but 2 bottles if attending as a couple?

Absolutely

Report
drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:29

Would you actually give twice as much cash attending a wedding where the couple had asked for cash towards honeymoon as if attending alone?

What about if attending withspouse and 3 kids - do you give £250 where you'd have given £50 solo?

What if some of the family are attending against their will because if they don't there will be he'll to pay from wider family and it's costing an absolute fortune in travel and acceptable outfits even before the present - do they give less? (or more?).

Bloody weddings!

Why does the friend who's using the OP to do the work of buying the present for her get to decide unilaterally that the OP should sub her? I'll bet the friend will take credit for the present and make it sound as though it's more than 1/4 from her...

Report

Newsletters you might like

Discover Exclusive Savings!

Sign up to our Money Saver newsletter now and receive exclusive deals and hot tips on where to find the biggest online bargains, tailored just for Mumsnetters.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Parent-Approved Gems Await!

Subscribe to our weekly Swears By newsletter and receive handpicked recommendations for parents, by parents, every Sunday.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 17/06/2017 18:30

Surely it depends a bit how it was put. If it was "would you and Dave like to chip in with us for the present?" Then it was laid out as a 4 way split.

If it was "would you like to chip in?" Then it was laid out as a 3 way split.

BUT not every person attending a wedding is in the same financial situation. I received a gift of £100 from one couple and £2 from another at my wedding

They both gave what they felt they wanted to and could afford. No-one told them that they had to pay £25.50 per person!

Report
drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:31

Donut bottle example was as a thanks for inviting us gift, not to drink - if it's to drink yourself it's not a present, just bringing your own.

People never rock up to a dinner party with two present bottles from a couple ime.

Report
WellyMummy · 17/06/2017 18:32

It should be split person giving the gift. DH is costing the B and G to attend the wedding, so as a couple you should be paying half.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.