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AIBU?

Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

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Coastalcommand · 17/06/2017 19:15

Gifts are per person, not per family. They will be paying for four meals/drinks packages etc so couples should pay double that of single people. It's not your single friends' fault you've bought a house or are having a family.

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Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 19:17

Coastal command, I've quite clearly stated that it's not relevant to how we split the present if you read what I've written!

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NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 17/06/2017 19:17

Surely a gift is per household? I wouldn't expect a larger gift off a couple because there's two of them!
Either return the gift or tell them your DH is buying his own gift, therefore it should be split 3 ways. Splitting it 4 ways saves them a tenner bit costs you double!

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NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 17/06/2017 19:19

I invited people to my wedding because I wanted them to be there, I wasn't looking at couples and thinking "ooo they'll give me double the size gift". I also didn't invite them wanting a gift off them. It's pretty grabby to think that way!

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Donttouchthethings · 17/06/2017 19:20

I don't think it matters if you consider yourselves 2 or 1 in this situation. Your budget is your business. This also doesn't have to become a big deal. I would send a breezy text about the misunderstanding... on a budget etc... and take it back to the store.

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 19:20

Coast would you expect 5 presents from a family with 2 parents and 3 kids?

It never occurred to me when I got married to think like that - I was flattered people had spent all the money and effort to get their families to the wedding and pay for overnight accommodation when generally only the woman in the family was my actual friend. I absolutely didn't expect much of a present from anyone, but all the more so from those who'd put themselves out so much to accept my invitation.

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blankface · 17/06/2017 19:23

I'd return it.

Your friends had seen a nice gift they couldn't afford. They calculated what they wanted to spend on it, saw it was only half the cost, then looked around to see who they could ask to buy it and also pay the outstanding amount which is half.

I'd give the same gift if single as I would if in a relationship.

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stella23 · 17/06/2017 19:26

Is his name going on the card? Then yes you/ he should split 4 ways

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DonutCone · 17/06/2017 19:29

drinkingtea so if a single friend invited you and your DH for dinner you would bring a bottle between the 2 of you Shock

I've always seen the bottle you bring to a dinner party as a contribution towards the night. When you can clearly see you will consume twice what the other 'family' will it's just common sense to bring something extra.

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w12newmum · 17/06/2017 19:31

Tricky but I think as you are all guests you should all contribute equally (assume they are not taking a plus one)

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GreenTulips · 17/06/2017 19:33

From your friends' perspective, they only have one set of finances coming in, one person's earning potential, and are only benefitting from one person going to the wedding

Where as couple have twice the weddings birthdays and Christmas gifts to buy

Get real

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StarTravels · 17/06/2017 19:33

Donut if it was a nice dinner party I would bring a single bottle of wine as a gift for my hosts, not for my partner and I to drink.

If the party were advertised as BYOB (such as a BBQ or similar) I would bring enough drink for myself and my partner but it wouldn't be a gift. Often I'd also bring the hosts a single gift in addition to this.

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FurryLittleTwerp · 17/06/2017 19:37

The way you want to split it is what I'd do.

If you weren't clubbing together, would you & your DH each buy a separate present?

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 19:37

Donut no, I'd thank them for inviting me but not go as we don't have a babysitter since MIL got ill - we never go out as a couple without kids.

But long ago when dinner party hosting was a real thing in my life nobody ever rocked up and handed over two bottles. I suppose maybe a sometimes a bottle and a little box of chocolates, or flowers, but never 2 bottles - that would just look as though they thought the host was an alcoholic!

The bottle of wine doesn't cancel out the meal, it's not a barter! It would make more sense to expect the couple to host twice I suppose.

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Xmasbaby11 · 17/06/2017 19:43

A family of 5 would certainly buy a more generous wedding gift than a single guest, I'm pretty positive! I don't think a wedding couple 'expects' anything in terms of gifts but most guests would naturally pay more to reflect the cost of feeding all of them. Not 5x a single person's gift, but something more.

I'd also appreciate that a single guest often has to pay for single accommodation, mo shared cost of travel etc so it can be very expensive attending weddings on your own.

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bungle99 · 17/06/2017 19:44

Assuming your friends are not bringing partners, then should be split 4 ways to include your DP.

I don't think it's fair for you to expect your DP to not contribute and for you to be treated as a single unit. He is a guest, just like the rest of you.

However, can see that this is just a misunderstanding and that maybe you can return, explain to friend and get something more in budget.

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AvoidingCallenetics · 17/06/2017 19:46

With the taxi thing, why should a couple pay individually? Presumably they are going to the same destination and the single person is going somewhere else. Two destinations = fare split 2 ways, surely?
Agree that couples should be treated as separate units when it comes to rounds in a pub.
Wrt the present I can see both sides. I'd probably pay it this time as £20 idn't worth souring a friendship over, but next time just do your own thing.

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quizqueen · 17/06/2017 19:47

The gift is from 3 different households so it should be 3 equal shares. Your household's budget for the gift is £30-£40. Doesn't matter how many are in the household or going to the wedding. You could be taking 5 children with you. Your budget remains the same. Tell your friend you misunderstood the money split and that you can't afford it on her terms so will take the present back and buy your own and she will have to find another guest to share with. I'm guessing she might have planned this to make it look as if she was spending more on her share of the gift but you really should have confirmed the deal first. As she was the one suggesting a joint gift, she should have been the one going to the shop to get it anyway.

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desperatelyseekingcaffeine · 17/06/2017 19:51

There's clearly a split of opinion! How about you explain to your friends that you misunderstood and thought it would be a 3 way split. But as a compromise you could pay £50 as a couple and they each pay £35? Then no one is too far over budget.

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FrowningFlamingo · 17/06/2017 20:02

DH and I give a higher value gift if we both go to an event, but not double. Which possibly isn't logical but I don't think it's unusual. In this situation I think we would offer to pay an increased share but again probably not double.
Thinking about it we'd always pay a full share each spitting a meal so it's not very consistent...

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Lostinaseaofbubbles · 17/06/2017 20:10

Xmasbaby - I'm now a family of 5 and I can confirm that were I invited to a wedding now then (if I could afford the fuel to get there) the bride and groom would be in receipt of a less expensive gift than when I were single.

Not because I like them less, but because I have 3 young kids and money is exceptionally tight. Gone are the days of spending £50 on something "just because" - unless its school uniform!

The choices are that either I give a gift I can afford according to my circumstances (which is significantly smaller since marriage/house/kids) or I don't go. I also won't have a new outfit to wear to the wedding either.

I've not been to a wedding since my two youngest were born, but the last wedding I went to when I had one child I purchased a gift that was within our budget and gave that. It never occurred to me that it had to be divisible by 3!

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Bananamama1213 · 17/06/2017 20:37

You and DH should be classed as one person.. you wouldn't both get gifts would you?! Your money is joint.

I always write mine and DHs name in gifts, even if he has no idea! We come as a package.

We went to a wedding last year and DH knows them although I know them better. (Kind of family). We didn't both get them gifts, that would've been ridiculous!

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FrancisCrawford · 17/06/2017 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackberryandNettle · 17/06/2017 21:11

Three way split was the expectation... Say you can't afford it and return the gift. Maybe they are a little resentful that you are coupled up??

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AnneBiscuit · 17/06/2017 21:14

AvoidingCallenetics

With the taxi thing, why should a couple pay individually? Presumably they are going to the same destination and the single person is going somewhere else. Two destinations = fare split 2 ways, surely?

Well no not really. In my situation it was picking up at our local pub and then taking taxi to a pub in the nearest city about 10 miles away. So for instance it would have cost them £10 for the two of them but they asked for £5 from me. I think it's fairer to split the cost 3 ways.

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