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AIBU?

Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

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InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 17/06/2017 21:19

DH and I have completely joint finances and I do think of us as one financial unit, but occasionally this has led me to (accidentally!) act like a total twat, like the time I assumed we'd split a four-person car rental (with same 2 single friends) three ways. Somewhere in my mind 'joint finances' became 'DH and I miraculously take up a single car seat and no more petrol than one'. I also need to remind myself that we both need to get the drinks in when doing rounds. I can imagine, if you've been single for a while, you might witness a fair bit of this obliviousness/fuckery over time and get annoyed at how often you come off worse.

Good to see a thinking coupled person, Rum - too many couples are twattish about this sort of thing. Thanks for being so fair & thoughtful!

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Mummyoflittledragon · 17/06/2017 21:21

AnneBiscuit

I agree with you in this situation. Rather cheeky of them not to split it 3 ways.

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Grenoble124 · 17/06/2017 21:21

Agree a present from couple should be double the value and the split should be four ways if your dh is attending wedding.

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Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 21:34

Just a point of interest, the friend in question texted via Whatsapp by setting up a group with me & other friend (excluding DH).

She has known my DH for much longer than I have and they are good friends in their own right. They regularly text each other about other matters so it wouldn't have been odd for her to add him in to the discussion as well!

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/06/2017 21:37

Four way split vote from me. Couples are not one unit

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Lostinaseaofbubbles · 17/06/2017 21:38

Then I'd've assumed 3 way split too. But whatever assumptions everyone made at the time. Her assumption is now clear - either absorb the extra £20 and be more cautious in future, or explain the misunderstanding and offer to return the gift.

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AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 17/06/2017 21:40

Absolutely split 4 ways unless your DH isn't putting his name on the card (which TH would look a bit cheap).

DH and I always count ourselves separately when splitting the cost of stuff, whether that be a taxi or a holiday rental. Unbelievably tight not to.

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ooohahhh · 17/06/2017 21:43

Of course it should be split by couple! Do you each get your children/mum/sibling a present at Christmas!?

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Floggingmolly · 17/06/2017 21:44

One gift per household, that's how it works... If your friends had partners would they seriously expect them to give a seperate gift? Confused

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InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 17/06/2017 21:44

With the taxi thing, why should a couple pay individually? Presumably they are going to the same destination and the single person is going somewhere else. Two destinations = fare split 2 ways, surely?

OTOH:

3 people in the taxi = fare split 3 ways, surely?

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Grenoble124 · 17/06/2017 21:46

Not separate gifts but a more expensive gift!

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fruitlovingmonkey · 17/06/2017 21:48

Wrt dinner parties. We tend to take two gifts when going as a couple. Usually a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers. If I was going alone I would probably just take the wine (or flowers instead if the host doesn't drink much).

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Lelloteddy · 17/06/2017 21:50

With the taxi example, if you were out with a group of friends, and one of your friend happened to be staying over at yours, if the two of you got a taxi home with another friend, would the two of you seriously only expect to pay half the fare? And leave the third friend to pay the rest? Odd thinking IMO.

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/06/2017 21:51

Unless the singles count themselves as a couple and you split it in half, then they can sort each other out Wink

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EC22 · 17/06/2017 21:55

It should be 4 way. Couples give more than singles usually.

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AvoidingCallenetics · 17/06/2017 21:58

All this just reminds me of why I prefer to make my own arrangements wrt presents and taxis!
Then no one feels taken advantage of.

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ooohahhh · 17/06/2017 22:21

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, giving joint presents as a big plus of people in a couple Confused

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ragdoll700 · 17/06/2017 23:03

I agree with you it should be split 3 ways return it if they are not willing to do this return it and get your own gift the people saying split it 4 ways are very strange it's not a meal.

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notknownatthisaddress · 17/06/2017 23:07

YANBU. What a cheek your friend has!!!

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MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 17/06/2017 23:09

I agree with you OP. I would never spend double just because it is coming from a couple.

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Joinourclub · 17/06/2017 23:11

Like you, I would have expected a three way split in this case. But usually I hate it when a couple is counted as 'one unit' So I can see your friends point of view. If you were splitting a restaurant bill you would split it four ways.

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Tapandgo · 17/06/2017 23:12

You are right - couples don't buy gifts twice as expensive as single people! Your pal us taking the p

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coconutpie · 17/06/2017 23:19

I would say "my budget for this gift was always £40. If you are not happy with contributing £40 each then I'll return the gift and buy something else myself for £40.

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puddingpen · 17/06/2017 23:53

I sort of see both sides of it, but the way I think about it is that if you are in a couple you potentially get invited to double the amount of weddings/birthdays etc. - your friends and partner's friends. So partner pays for gifts for 'their' friends and you pay for gifts for 'your' friends. It all gets a bit messy with DP's friends for me, because they were all at uni together and so the other couples are all friends with each other in their own right, so I find I am expected to contribute more to things than DP is with my friends. Usually DP ends up paying my part as well because he thinks that's fairest! So it's not clear cut and depends on the situation and no one was being unreasonable in my opinion.

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SaS2014 · 18/06/2017 01:02

YANBU
It's a present from 3 'groups'. Doesn't matter if a 'group' is a singlton or a couple. Should be an equal 3 way split.
I'd point out to friend exactly what you said, if buying on your own you and dp would not spend more or buy separate gifts.

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