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Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
Turquoise123 · 18/06/2017 18:16

Hmmm I bet she has done this before.

Katherine2626 · 18/06/2017 18:21

Agree with you all the way - take it back and get a refund if they argue!

Housemum · 18/06/2017 18:44

Enjoy the day, but remember if one or both friends turns up with a "plus one", make sure that the plus one gives the bride £30 ;)

pollymere · 18/06/2017 18:48

They're playing you for a fool. Being married doesn't double the amount you spend! Bow out gracefully or say you only agree forty.

WineGummyBear · 18/06/2017 19:00

I don't think anyone is necessarily wrong or cheeky. It's just a misunderstanding.

Return the gift and find one that fits your budget.

jayne1976 · 18/06/2017 19:17

She should have said in advance - your partner is coming to support you, assume wouldn't be invited in his own merits so you are one not two!

Lovingit81 · 18/06/2017 19:51

Totally agree with most on here that you are in the right. Your friend is trying it on with you. Cheeky mere! Return the gift and get another one. Enjoy the wedding x

eulmh · 18/06/2017 20:05

I would've assumed as you did. As a couple we never put in an amount each it comes jointly and usually depends who the present is for as to who pays for it. I think she's pulling a fast one.

Whileweareonthesubject · 18/06/2017 20:25

We always give one present from us as a couple /family. The cost depends on what we can afford from our joint finances - definitely less as a family than before dcs. It's never occurred to me to do it differently. I've never looked on the gift as being my ticket to a wedding. Still, I suppose I can now get down to writing to all the couples /families who gave us just the one gift when we married, and demand the extra gifts I was entitled to have. Those who are still alive that is . I bet they think they got away with just the one gift and their love and best wishes - I'll show them though.

Ridiculous. As a couple you worked out what you could afford and then your friend pushed you into clubbing together. She's the one at fault, not you.

user1476641978 · 18/06/2017 20:35

Your mates are a massive cheek.

Tiger44 · 18/06/2017 20:36

I'm shocked by how much people spend. I must be from a totally different mindset as £20 is a good amount for us! When we got married, most people gave us £10. That aside, I wouldn't expect to pay double as a couple. Better to not buy with friends maybe? Could you suggest you pay £50 as a couple and they pay £35 each?

headinthecloud · 18/06/2017 20:41

I have always believed the etiquette is you give a gift equal to what the cost would be to the bride and groom for you to be there so if it is a couple then you would give twice the amount as a single person.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 18/06/2017 21:14

I really don't understand how people think the friend is being cheeky?

I would assume 4 names going on the card means it's been purchased by four people so cost should be split four ways. Otherwise the friends are paying twice as much as the op.

pringlecat · 18/06/2017 21:15

headinthecloud I've always done the same. So if I get a plus one, I put in double (from both of us) and if it's a reception only invite, I put in much less.

As a day guest, I would put in £50 minimum, more depending on how close I am to the bride and/or groom. I do think this is expected. Thankfully I accept very few wedding invites otherwise it would cost me a bloody fortune. Weddings are not cheap.

FrancisCrawford · 18/06/2017 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shuggas · 18/06/2017 21:24

I personally would be mortified if it was my wedding, I know the cost to people to attend and certainly didn't expect a lot from others to attend my wedding.its about affordability, everyone has their own affordability and it's all relative, a single person at uni is going to have it tough as is a person in a family with more mouths to feed, a bigger mortgage, and childcare \ clothing to buy vs a person at home al expenses paid by mum and
No dad(saving to fly the nest) its all circumstance and times are hard for all..Our wedding was about the people we wanted to share our day with, not about what we would get... we were blown away by everything we got. I didn't sit there calculating gifts, and I am shocked by people who really view it all that black and white! Give what you can and it should be gratefully received! Jeez some people didn't buy a card but they came , went through expense to do so and that's what counted to us. Sorry I expect to be slated but go aheadBlush

DryIce · 18/06/2017 21:58

I'm with your friends, it seems obvious to me that 4 names in card means gift split 4 ways.

If the plan is to get a gift from your female friendship group, say that and have your husband sort out his own gift or just not give one.

Using kids as an example of extra gifts is ridiculous. No one expects children to being gifts in any case. Adults generally do

Tiger44 · 18/06/2017 22:07

I'm with you chuggas

Tiger44 · 18/06/2017 22:08


BearsDontDigOnDancing · 18/06/2017 23:31

3 way split or 4 way split, either way you had a budget and thanks to your friend, who suggested a gift she had found, too expensive for her to buy alone, then getting you to buy it, you have gone over budget.

I would have took it back and got something in your original budget telling them you were not able to afford £60.

None of this was your idea, yet you have been tasked with buying it and then forking out more for it than you had planned.

If this is a destination wedding, have you also been given the job of getting it to wherever it needs to be?

BadLad · 18/06/2017 23:34

Threads like this make me sorry that I have never been to a wedding. I'm missing out on so much drama.

nzborn · 19/06/2017 02:57

Wooo some people are cheeky how about you forward this link to them and then wait for a response,they will then read what we wrote and hopefully understand how most people see it thirds all the way.


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diodati · 19/06/2017 06:49

Although you say you value the friendship more than the money, (and I agree that really good friends are worth their weight in gold), I'm not sure about this friend. Why does she get to decide what the gift should be, make you purchase it, and then tell you how much you should be contributing towards it? Bossy much?

I would tell her that you and dh have decided on a budget and if she's not happy with your decision, tough. Take it back.

Veterinari · 19/06/2017 06:56

So what is your DH giving then?

Or does he get to take credit for the gift without contributing anything?

Do you also buy a 'couples round' at the bar but expect your single friends to buy you and your DH individual drinks?

fullofhope03 · 19/06/2017 06:57

Well said RumWithaView - I am single and have lost count the number of times couples have thought of themselves as a 'unit' of one money wise. Why, when (most of the time), they have 2 incomes coming in, do they tend to think this?

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