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AIBU?

Wedding Present....WWYD?

219 replies

Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 17:17

Attending a friend's wedding with DH. Had been planning on buying a present from the two of us (as per usual for weddings). Planned to spend approx £30-40 on present. (Normally would spend a little more but things are a little tight at the moment!)

However, one of my friends texted to ask if we could club together to get a present with another friend. She chose the present (£120), however asked me to buy it, which I did. I had assumed that we would split the cost between the three friends, so £40 each. However my friend feels that my DH is also giving the present, so my share should be £60 and they should pay £30 each. 

I realise that in the grand scheme of things £20 is not worth getting too het up about & I'm certainly not going to lose a friendship over it nor kick up a fuss.

I'm more interested in the general principle. It hadn't even occurred to me that DH would be included as we wouldn't buy a present each to go to a wedding.

However, braced & ready to be told AIBU, so interested to hear thoughts from the mumsnet floor....

OP posts:
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SpiritedLondon · 17/06/2017 18:33

How weird. I would never expect a couple to spend twice the amount of a single person. ( and your gift doesn't buy you a place at a wedding). It's not like accommodation where people are occupying beds which would clearly be different. YANBU.

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:33

Is this the old "cover your plate" argument Welly?

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DonutCone · 17/06/2017 18:34

I would always give more money if attending as a couple or a family.

A couple don't come as a BOGOF you know. 2 people cost double that of one person, so to ignore that and try and make a gift from 4 into a gift from 3 of just tight.

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DonutCone · 17/06/2017 18:36

drinking but if you as a couple are being hosted by a single person you are costing them a lot more than they are costing you!

We'd take 2 bottles of wine as on the night we would eat and rink twice as much as they would when we invited them back.

It's just basic manner not to free load.

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WellyMummy · 17/06/2017 18:37

Yes Drinking I think it is.

If I received a present from a group I would assume it was from them equally.

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ARumWithAView · 17/06/2017 18:37

If your friend has already made it clear that she thinks you and DH should pay an equal split, then I think there's no really polite way to turn around and say, no, we're one unit. His name's going on the card; he's attending the wedding.

Maybe, as andintothefire said, suggest you just put the three names on the card, since you're all old friends. It does make your DH look a bit cheap, attending a wedding with no present, but the bride will probably never notice, whereas your friends definitely have already seen that your DH is getting in on the gift for free (according to some perspectives).

And you mentioned having different living expenses now you're in a couple. I'm sure you wouldn't actually say this to your friend, but that is such an infuriating justification to hear when you're single and already believe you're paying more than your fair share. 'Oh, we've just bought a house and we're having a baby... we can't put in as much as you footloose responsibility-free affluent single people'. If someone's already pissed off, that's how it sounds. 'So bloody well buy a cheaper present just from you two, and don't tag on our gift as a two-for-one' is the only response to that.

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:37

Exactly Spirited - it appears most people view the gift as entry fee Shock

If invited as a couple to a wedding where only one of you is close to the couple (or to one member of the couple) it sounds as if it's financially foolish to attend as a couple. Best go alone rather than drag along an often reluctant partner.

Best not ever agree to split costs with people without written agreement on the fine print too by the sounds of it!

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andintothefire · 17/06/2017 18:37

But I don't think this scenario is really about how much a couple should contribute to the bride and groom (as opposed to a single person). It's really about how much the single friends who are sharing the gift should subsidise the couple, bearing in mind that the couple are each getting credit for having given the gift and the card will show that it is from four people rather than three.

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EezerGoode · 17/06/2017 18:38

Get yr money back...return present.

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AnneBiscuit · 17/06/2017 18:41

Situations like this used to really annoy me after I split from my h when going out with couples. I was expected to pay half in a taxi with another couple (they paid the other half). Buying rounds in pub I was expected to buy a round, then one of the couple bought a round, then one of the next couple bought a round. Then back to me.

It's costing the bride and groom double for food etc for you and your DH so I think you should pay double. If you can't afford it then take the present back and buy your own. Then your single friends can buy a cheaper present themselves (half the cost of yours and dhs).

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:42

Bloody hell - when I got married I wanted my friends to bring their families but it never occurred to me I was meant to expect them to pay entry fees via gifts - generally people with families gave less as they had less spending money.

I loved giving generous gifts when single but then it cost less to get one person to events and pay for new outfits and accomodation, and I had far higher disposable income when single. That goes for most people in the just settling down phase of life.

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KickAssAngel · 17/06/2017 18:52

It's not so much about the actual cost, but how to divide it. One couple could have a much lower income than a single person. But I would expect that this would be divided per person. different situations, like holidays, meals etc might be done differently, but I would expect a couple with 2 incomes to be fairly generous if they are both going to the wedding.

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pieceofpurplesky · 17/06/2017 18:52

Like others I am the single one and it really pisses me off when couples do this. I was always very conscious of this splitting bills with single friends when I was married and ensured me and ex paid equal amounts. Sadly they haven't reciprocated ... I have told them I will no longer participate in joint presents.

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Merlanguis · 17/06/2017 18:53

A rumwithaview, I quite clearly said that it wasn't relevant to the discussion about how to split the wedding present.

I'm just simply saying that in my personal circumstances, I can no longer afford to spend as much as I did a few years ago, let alone double.

I have never considered a wedding present as an entry gift to a wedding. It's a destination wedding so costing a small fortune anyway.

The lesson I have learnt from this is that I should have never clubbed together in the first place! I didn't particularly want to...it was on my friends insistence. Wish I had stuck to those guns.

OP posts:
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StarTravels · 17/06/2017 18:53

Buying a gift for a wedding isn't like buying a ticket to let you turn up. Do all children attending also need to bring a gift to allow them a seat and meal?

A family should take a single gift to a wedding. So this should be split 3 ways. You are three separate "families".

Although if that's going to cause a problem then I would just put the three friends names on the card and leave DH off of it, so it's seen as a special gift from just her best friends. DH then doesn't give a gift.

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ceecee32 · 17/06/2017 18:54

I was expected to pay half in a taxi with another couple (they paid the other half). Buying rounds in pub I was expected to buy a round, then one of the couple bought a round, then one of the next couple bought a round. Then back to me.


This, a million times over. Unless you have been in this position as a single person with other couples you have no idea. I have been accused of not standing my round when I have been out with 4 or 5 couples, none of their partners bought a drink but expected me to buy extra.

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InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 17/06/2017 18:58

I disagree OP It's a bit like couples only buying one round between them, or expecting that when sharing a taxi, it's 2 for one., and they pay as a couple the equivalent of 1 persons' share of the fare.

If I were the bride, I'd assume any present came from both you and your DH. Unless he's going to go the wedding empty-handed i.e. The present comes from you and your 2 friends, and he gives the couple nothing.

Which is fine I suppose, if he doesn't mind risking looking mean.

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WarwickDavisAsPlates · 17/06/2017 18:59

Drinking tea yes, when attending a party DH and I both supply something as we will be eating/ drinking twice as much as one person. Or, if bringing one thing we bring a really big bottle/ crate of something. We aren't two heads on one body we are two separate people.

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Tikkatoride · 17/06/2017 18:59

It irritates me when couples count themselves as one financial unit for presents, e.g. buy a £15 birthday present for their single friend, whilst expecting a £15 present back for each of them.

Why would one of my friends buy my DH a birthday present?

This entire thread is the reason I never do joint presents and never buy birthday presents outside of immediate family.

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 18:59

Surely people also generally spend more on presents for friends than acquaintances?

The DH wouldn't have spent a "close friend" amount on a friend of his wife's.

The friend who suggested the present has deliberately set the OP up to carry the cost and do the actual work of buying and then been too polite to object to the brazen demand her +1 give the same as a close friend.

If close friends are paying £30 an acquaintance might pay £10...

Or do the cover your plate brigade buy presents with values tied to the estimated cost of wedding rather than closeness of friendship/ family ties?

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 19:03

Couples only buying one round are taking the piss (unless they are sharing a drink) but there are plenty of ways people take the piss with rounds (mainly by ordering disproportionately expensive drinks especially if they expect a lift home from someone on soft drinks but also expect their G&Ts subbed!)

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drinkingtea · 17/06/2017 19:06

People don't actually turn up with two bottles of wine unless it's bring your own and they'll be drinking a bottle each. Turning up with two bottles as a present just looks odd ...

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neveradullmoment99 · 17/06/2017 19:08

It irritates me when couples count themselves as one financial unit for presents, e.g. buy a £15 birthday present for their single friend, whilst expecting a £15 present back for each of them.

What a completely shitty attitude. Giving is about thinking about a person not about receiving back. How utterly selfish. I wouldnt want a present from someone who thought that way.

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TheweewitchRoz · 17/06/2017 19:12

I'd split 3 ways as your DH is only going because you are, not because he's invited per se. That said, I do see the perspective from the single people on the thread though but I'd still only split 3 ways in the circumstances you describe.

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EasterRobin · 17/06/2017 19:13

I always pay more for a gift if I am covering the meal cost of two people. I would also have stated my budget upfront when agreeing to joint buy a present with mates (some of my mates are loaded; some less so; and gifts typically range from £20 to £200 per couple among my social circle. I wouldn't want them to guess at how much I would pay.)

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