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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

311 replies

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 22:58

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

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minionsrule · 16/06/2017 23:02

I have no experience but it was wrong for him to have pushed ds, he did nothing wrong. Hopefully not the end if he can admit it was wrong to do what he did and if it was the first time. He akso needs to be genuine with apology to ds

sirfredfredgeorge · 16/06/2017 23:02

Well I'd have already left you, if you were so demanding that you're cross because he's out with the kids when you get home.

There's not really enough information of the actual incident, to know if there was any intentional violence etc. So can't comment on that, but you are complete unreasonable about being cross because they were out.

minionsrule · 16/06/2017 23:03

I meant ds did nothing wrong obviosly

CotswoldStrife · 16/06/2017 23:03

How old are your DC?

ILoveDolly · 16/06/2017 23:03

How old are the children?

Shelvesoutofbooks · 16/06/2017 23:04

These are his kids too and if he wants to take them out for a meal or park and they have fun you really can't control him that much. He doesn't work for you

Claireshh · 16/06/2017 23:04

I think you are being unreasonable. Your husband is spending fun time with your children on a Friday evening - no school tomorrow etc. I do undersrand that you want to see your children so he should have brought them home earlier. Not really something to have a massive argument over though.

I am not condoning the way your husband reacted though. That is extreme. Only you know how serious it was and if it was massively out of character.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/06/2017 23:06

You're an utter control freak. I'm sorry but you are. I'd have left you to your hissy fits years ago.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 16/06/2017 23:07

DH pushed your son so that he staggered slightly and you threw him out and think it's child abuse?

Now I know I wasn't there to see how serious this was, but you sound like an unhinged control freak.

When your DH is home parenting, it really is up to him to do so as he sees fit. If he wants to take the kids to the park, it's really up to him. Why should they line themselves up at the door ready for your arrival just because you like it that way? If they want to go out for a meal, what a lovely thing for them to do. Yes, he should have let you know, but his phone died.

No wonder your DH was shouting when you treat him like a child. Either you trust him to be your children's parent or you don't. But if you do trust him to be a parent, let him parent FFS and don't second-guess him.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:07

Thank you everyone - sorry they are 8 and 6. It's so good to hear some perspectives! DS1 was verbally irritating DH but not physically challenging.

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gamerchick · 16/06/2017 23:08

You picked a fight in front of your kids, you dumped all that negative energy into him and he dumped it into your child who shouldn't have been there to see it anyway.

Disgraceful behaviour from both of you. They're his kids as well, he took them out for a meal. Unfucking clench.

GreatFuckability · 16/06/2017 23:08

I think you are both wrong. You shouldn't dictate when/if he can take his own children out for dinner. He shouldn't be pushing a child around.

ClopySow · 16/06/2017 23:09

He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home

Mate... really?

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:09

I think I dislike it so much because when they are tired and hysterical he then bails out and leaves all the difficult behaviour to me to deal with, but it looks like I should let him get on with it! Really appreciate your replies everyone, thank you.

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Untangled07 · 16/06/2017 23:09

You were 'upset and livid' that your DH was out spending quality time with his sons and arrived back slightly later than usual? If there's an abusive one here I think it's you. You sound very controlling. Let the poor man back in his house.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/06/2017 23:09

Bizarre how he did this randomly?

I'm debating whether you asked him to leave because you were angry that he disobeyed your orders or if you were concerned about your son?

Alittlepotofrosie · 16/06/2017 23:10

You sound really horrible. If i were him id leave you. He was undoubtedly wrong to push his son but you are a control freak and you escalated the situation.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:10

Looks like I have my own apologies to make and discuss both of our behaviour, yikes. I might show him this thread when he returns. I was so shocked - despite seeming uptight I am quite a pacifist and hate conflict.

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WingsofNylon · 16/06/2017 23:12

Why were you livid?! I can understand you being worried but worried isnt livid. Do you always get angry if things are done exactly your way? Sure he shouldn't have pushed dc but the whole thing could have been avoided if you hadn't been so controlling.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:12

I will - I was so shocked by his shouting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you all.

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PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:12

It's unreasonable and disrespectful for him to not let you know where they all were.

It was unacceptable for him to lose his rag and shout and attack your son, physically, twice. Yes - hitting someone around the head and pushing them is abusive behaviour.

Yanbu.

ClopySow · 16/06/2017 23:13

I think I dislike it so much because when they are tired and hysterical he then bails out and leaves all the difficult behaviour to me to deal with

That's a bit different from your original post. YANBU there. YABU in the first post.

ILoveDolly · 16/06/2017 23:13

I'm not sure if I like all your "he knows I like him to be home at x..". I don't think what he did sounds bad, he was angry and was being antagonised on two fronts. You are the aggressor in this situation. Why didn't you calmly help him put the boys to bed, then have a chat about your reasons for preferred earlier bedtime? I'm not always the calmest of mums but this tweaky controlling behaviour isn't healthy. If anyone is causing the breakdown of your relationship its you with your insistence that he tows your line at all times.

FrancisCrawford · 16/06/2017 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:14

I was livid because he knows how much I worry when people disappear - I worry about car crashes etc. I didn't know he was planning to take them for a meal and his mobile phone was dead so had no way of finding them. he could have left a note or borrowed someone's phone to text me etc. I think I have massively overreacted.

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