To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

[mumbanator]

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP, it's not your fault. Please don't take any of the insults being hurled your way on board. You are being unfairly called uptight, highly strung etc (typical abuser apologist stuff) yet you were acting sensibly and calmly.

YABU

So are your sons not wondering where their dad is tonight?

OP, if you could tell us what son was saying before being pushed that would be useful, to settle a part of the dispute.

She probably would sera because you would be pushing/shoving her. Those words are used to describe moving someone suddenly and making them stagger.
Would you do that to your child? Because I wouldn't unless it was to move them away from danger. If I just wanted them to step back I would ask.

@maud emotional abuse is still abuse..Being controlling is still abuse.

I'm not hard of thinking nor a handmaiden.

My opinion funnily enough is still as valid as yours.Wven if you don't happen to agree with me.

I'm not sure why so many posters are focusing on the op's behaviour, and ignoring the fact that the dh pushed their son.

THIS!

Okay, so OP may be a bit of a control freak, or not, whatever.

Two points here:

1. OP's behaviour does not make it okay for her OH to say they got back so late "because his kids wouldn't come home when he told them to".

2. OP's behaviour does not make it okay for her OH to PUSH AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY.

WTF.

This is not normal or acceptable behaviour of a father.

SmileEachDay - The shouting? No, not okay. The clip to the ear? Not okay if deliberate, but OP said it could have been accidental. Did his hand move from resting directly to the DS's head? Not okay. Was he gesticulating while he was talking and DS got in the way of his moving arm? An accident. Did he shove the DS backwards in anger? Not okay. Was he attempting to remove DS from the argument and DS lost his balance? Reasonable.

We can't know, because we weren't there. The OP hasn't clarified. The only thing that's clear is that different posters are interpreting the OP's post in different ways.

So now Op is emotionally abusing her children dustarr? Where have you got that from?

Your opinion might be valid, but your reading comprehension doesn't appear up to much.

dustarr73 - it is not emotionally abusive to have agreed with your partner that he would bring their young children back at a reasonable time, to avoid them being overtired and wound up.

It is however abusive for a partner to ignore such discussion, do as he pleases with no regard for anyone else, causing the OP to worry, then pin the blame on the children and then get physical with an eight year old when he stands up for himself.

Why people are standing up for this prince I have no idea. Go home Mumsnet, you're drunk.

archie he was being his usual animated lively self and loudly about to embark on a long story about how they ended up going out for a meal
Everyone - when I said I was livid I don't mean they came home and I went mad! I was inwardly seething and DH knew it, I tried not to talk to him and just the children as I knew it would start an argument - he prempted this and wanted to have his say first (apologies again for the drip feed, I couldn't think straight earlier)
loving they have gone to bed now. I can't even tell him to come home to talk as his phone is dead.
chinlop he started a story about how it was all their fault they ended up going for a meal at half 8 because they weren't behaving etc - I said there's only one adult here and that's you so the responsilbity lies with you.
sera I'm not sue why he pushed him - we have lots to discuss tomorrow
Thanks pea

I think that context here is everything - only the OP and her family were present - I too had read it as if there was no intention in the part of the DH to harm the child (obviously if that is incorrect then that changes the picture entirely).

The way I see it is that both parties were exhausted come friday night and there was overreaction on each side hence the need for a sensible discussion. I do get that the OP would have been knackered, keen to see everyone and pissed off that they were out and would arrive home wound up. I also get that she may be anxious about them having been in an accident and possibly got more het up about this as time went on. Conversely if I were the DH and i would be furious if I was made to feel bad about taking my own kids out and if I happened to forget my phone I wouldn't expect it to be feared that I had been involved in an accident. They just need to have a proper chat, make up and agree to try to communicate better and avoid bickering in front of the kids.

To those posters shouting "child abuse", whilst I'm not condoning the DH's actions, assuming this was an isolated incident and there is mo huge back-story, this is not abuse and to call it such is frankly insulting and damaging to those families where there is real abuse.

Finally, my own view is that 9.45pm on a friday night is not unreasonable! The children are 6 and 8 and can catch up a bit over the weekend if needs be. In most of Europe it is perfectly normal to see far smaller children out and about far later than that.

I hope you are now well on the way to sorting everything out OP - good luck and remember tomorrow is a brand new day!

Thank you also ginger
pea maybe a Friday night is the wrong time to ask for advice!

He was shouting at one of your sons, tried to clip his ear and then pushed him?

That's not good, OP.

and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps

How can this be read in any other way than the father was well out of line. There is no context in which I would EVER shove my child. (unless he was about to get hit by a car, I suppose)

Thank you guineapig you have made more sense of it than me.
I don't think DH would have wanted to hurt DS but even so it's not okay to lash out and push him even if no harm is meant? There is no long back-story but I am so concerned with child welfare (and have lurked on here for years and learned - I think - from the lies of others) that I don't want to sleep-walk into a famly set-up that is not right.
I think I am a lot clearer now on what the issues are that need discussing, from both sides.

Yep, it's Friday night and we're in AIBU, I think, you might get some skewed responses, OP

guineapig1's post seems very wise and pretty much what I've been trying to say with far less eloquence.

You're staying remarkably calm and reasonable through all our heated responses OP, so kudos to you. I hope when you talk it through with DH tomorrow you both get the outcome you want and can move forward from this with a plan to make sure it never happens again.

chinlop I agree, I wonder if he was so desperate to say his piece that he literally wanted to push DS out of the conversation - completely inappropriate but not intending to harm - but I interpreted this, well, as I've said above. We need to talk.

Unreasonableness on both sides. Short and long term damage.
OP. If your OH wants to take the kids out then it's his shout. If it screws up a routine then so be it. Kids need to learn that routine gets screwed up and they have to deal with it. And a routine changing is also a bit of excitement! It's what life is all about!!
If everyone always did the same thing all the time then quite frankly life would be miserable. You need to let go of the routine. Dealing with the aftermath is a learning curve for you and the kids. Highs and lows and excitement and bad behaviour and then coming down from it.

You said your OH pushed your son around. This too is not on. Not at all. Your children were in that situation because you have caused it to happen.

Compromise needed. You need to get to grips with the fact that your OH can take the kids out. He needs to agree to keep in touch so you don't worry.

You need to accept that out of routine is good for everyone. Yes, the kids may be hard to deal with but that's part of being a good parent. Why should they live a homogenised life? When they leave home they'll go bonkers in a desperate move for freedom!!'

I think so reuset!
Thanks sera appreciate your input too - I think that will be my focus tomorrow.

pard you are right - and losing the plot when they leave home would also mean I/we have failed them. Balance...

YANBU, you've done nothing wrong to be upset with DH to be so late, 8 and 6 is very young, they need their sleep.
Maybe DH was being a bit lazy about parenting them properly and getting them fed and ready for bed. They do tend to leave it to us to do all the hard work!

It wouldn't be the end of the marriage for me but there is a lot of discussion to be had. I wouldn't feel bad to let him stay out for one night. A difficult one, good luck.

It's been a lovely summer evening. The children will have got way more out of having fun in the park with their dad than they would have done obediently sitting around at home waiting for you to come back.