To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

[mumbanator]

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

Uuugh kali this drives me batty. Young children need a lot of sleep, and routine. Their usual bedtime is a reasonable hour for a normal evening. The occasional wild spree is wonderful fun (special party, bonfire night, sleepover, camping or whatever), but the routine shouldn't be broken just for the sake of it, and certainly not by one partner on a unilateral basis, who then expects the other to deal single-handedly with the fallout.

I speak as someone who lives in a ground floor flat under a woman who makes no attempt to get her small sons into bed at a reasonable hour or keep them bloody quiet after 10pm and probably wonders why they are such badly-behaved, contentious, moaning, screaming little so-and-sos day in, day out. Which I didn't mind as much before I had a small baby, whose nascent routine is constantly fucked by great crashings and tantrums overhead at gone midnight.

Another wave for Basil and you, lela.

Some of the comments on here just beggar belief.

Not all kids, or families, are obsessed by routine. It's not a universal that all kids need, and one parent controlling everyones routine and interfering with the other parent is not ok.

And is "Lively and challenging" a euphemism for horribly behaved and difficult? See also Spirited.

Live

You're quick to condemn certain parts of the OP.

Any thoughts on parents cuffing or pushing children in anger, whilst shouting?

Do we have to have opinions on every line of an OP to make a comment? You should make an announcement, no one has ever said that was compulsory.

Since you ask, OP sounds barking to me, and I expect she is exaggerating the incident.

Not at all Live

People's differing priorities are quite something.

Aren't they just, Smile? Never mind the old physical violence towards an 8 year old, let's focus on whether OP's attempt to co-parent, rather than each parent act as completely discrete units with totally divergent parenting styles without any compromise ever, constitutes emotional abuse of her poor hubby

If you choose to see it like that, its up to you despite the evidence to the contrary

Live

You have decided the children are horrors, the OP is "barking* and that the OP is exaggerating. All based on precisely no evidence.

Based on the same evidence you have yourself; the OP's own words. Plenty of evidence there.

livelong

Not all kids, or families, are obsessed by routine. It's not a universal that all kids need, and one parent controlling everyones routine and interfering with the other parent is not ok.

So you think it's fine for the husband to do something the OP had specifically asked him not to do, with no discussion, and then leave her to deal with the fallout which was precisely what she was seeking to avoid when she asked him not to do it? 'Interfering with the other parent' implies that the parents work completely separately, and cannot comment on or influence each others' parenting decisions, which is frankly batshit. If parents don't present a reasonably united front and be consistent, you'll get confused, fussy kids.

Or is it just flat out 'not OK' for one parent to question the other, ever? So one parent believes in circumcision, the other doesn't; should there be a discussion about this, or should the believing parent just haul off and get the baby circumcised, and the other parent keep their trap shut and not 'interfere'? Or one parent thinks 14 is old enough to drink wine with dinner, the other disagrees?

It sounds like the OP probably needs to work on communicating with ehr husband (as she acknowledges) and she thought having told him she'd prefer him not to do X, that meant he'd agreed not to do X when clearly he felt differently. But I think without having had the conversation, it was a bit twunty of her husband to do something she'd specifically asked him not to do, and then get ranty when she minded. Is she supposed to not have any feelings? Is getting annoyed 'controlling' - because if so I think everyone in any relationship ever is both abusive and being abused and should leave themselves :P And the twuntiness of that pales into nothingness beside turning his anger with the OP onto their little boy.

OP agrees that she has been controlling and tells her partner how to parent, so why you are attacking me for agreeing with what OP said herself I can't imagine. Issues of your own? Identify with the OP and her controlling nature?

OP - you and your husband both just need to chill out.

Nope. You've added your own judgement about both the children and the OP, Live, but not, interestingly, about the husband..

I asked a question, you don't seem to know the difference.

And is "Lively and challenging" a euphemism for horribly behaved and difficult? See also Spirited. Ah come on, Live don't be disingenuous- that's a pretty loaded question.

OP sounds barking and that's a statement.

But nothing about the husband...

What makes you suspect the OP is exaggerating, livelong? Where do you get that from?

The first is a question, the second was an opinion specifically solicited.

Is there a reason everyone is asking me questions and not the OP? Is this a part for me or a specific derailment attempt?

Posting for the deletion message as this thread can no longer be making life easier for parents...

Well, the OP asked for opinions about her husband becoming physical with a child, in anger. You don't seem to have an opinion on that, Live, so you could be accused of derailing...

But that would be childish, so I won't

You said you suspected the OP of exaggerating. Only reasonable to ask how you came to that conclusion. How that is part of some derailment I don't know.

I had an opinion on the OP's issue and gave it, I really don't need your input, thanks all the same.

" I expect she is exaggerating the incident."

Oh that's another thing MRA's say about domestic violence, sexual assault, rape etc.

But only about women. Men don't exaggerate, but women do.

Of course.

Just sayin'

That's not really how chat forums work, Live...

Basil

It's probs something to do with blue/pink brains, innit?