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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

311 replies

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 22:58

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 16/06/2017 23:34

I'm the DSLO.

I'm extremely surprised at the reaction on this thread mumbanator

Original poster
mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:34

Thank you pea how do I do that?

OP posts:
lborgia · 16/06/2017 23:35

I think that 9.45 for an8 and 6 yr old is late - esp as I have two that would be beyond awful to get to bed at that point. YOu said that whilst you hated it you remained calm, so not sure how you escalated it? Was it really obvious to your husband that you were pissed off?

I truly cannot believe that so many people are letting him off for clipping a child around the ear, and pushing him (however far or hard) because you were cross.

If this is a conversation you've had many times before and he patently ignores your reasoning, then I think that is something you might also want to look at.

It's really not being great, being the sensible one, and having to deal with the shit when they are being the fun dad taking them out having a good time.

For context, how do you get on with each other the rest of hte time? Did he show any concern about the fact that, as an adult, he blamed young children for not coming home at a reasonable time, or, because your son chimed in it was OK to push him ? "It's the 8 year olds' fault"..really?

I think your mistake in terms of your opening post was using measured language saying "I like them to be home"... rather than "he knows they're a fucking nightmare when they get back, and leaves me to sort it out" you'd have a lot more support - and less accusations of being uptight Hmm

TheStoic · 16/06/2017 23:35

You were stewing for two hours and things exploded when they got home.

It was an over-reaction on both sides.

Good for you for taking comments on board. I hope your husband sees the seriousness of what happened.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:36

Three little dots under any post, and then 'report this post'. Or just abandon this one and start again! x

laureywilliams · 16/06/2017 23:36

Way too late for such young children. Mine are a similar age and would be very tired and ratty the next day too.

Also, hitting small children... not nice.

YANBU

Original poster
mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:36

archie yes it was along those lines but to be clear - I was silently cross - I didn't shout or raise my voice in any way - DH just knew how I felt.

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 16/06/2017 23:37

I think you're just putting your kid needs first. And that means bed at an reasonable time so that they're refreshed and happy.

Yes one late night for a special event occasionally. Wedding or birthday meal. Clearly your kids don't cope with late nights.

Your husband shouldn't have pushed your son. Your child was simply behaving like a child. I would probably talk it through with him.

Personally I'd tell him that you're happy to help with the bedtime routine between 8 - 9 but past 9 he's on his own dealing with them as you'll be putting your feel up. He can decide to either deal with grotty kids on his own or jointly put the kids to bed.

Original poster
mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:37

Thanks pea

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 23:38

The way the op worded her tag line makes you think shee was innocent.
Funnily the husband has as much right to parent and bring his kids out.

Imagine it the other way,Op goes out, doesn't let her husband know when they will be back.
Comes in wrecked and husband goes mad.

Cheek of her bringing the kids out. It would be the same response,throw husband out.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/06/2017 23:38

There's a lot of blame to go around here I think. I don't think you're wrong to think he should be away from the kids tonight, an adult pushing an 8 year old is not on at all (at least the way I read your OP) and it's easy for an adult to hurt a child without meaning to when they use force like that. But your demand they be in for your benefit every Friday night is pretty controlling and then to be so livid that you end up rowing with your DH about it when he gets in indicates a home life that could well be pretty damaging for your kids.

It sounds like you could both do with help to learn to parent better together. You're clearly being told that a lot on this thread. Don't let some of the harsher language work you up though. Parenting is hard for many people, it isn't something we innately know. The key is recognising when it's not working and being willing to put our egos behind us and work on improving.

lborgia · 16/06/2017 23:39

Sorry, massive x-post.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 16/06/2017 23:42

I can't speak for anyone else, but the reason I haven't focused on the DS being 'abused' is because the way the OP phrased it, it seemed that the clip to ear was accidental, and the 'push' was just moving him back a few steps in an attempt to stop the child getting involved in the argument. It didn't sound remotely abusive and the child wasn't hurt. I'm no handmaid, Basil, I'm as radfem as you. But I'm also not about to call a man an abuser when it didn't sound that way to me.

No-one was there except the OP and her DH, so we can't judge whether the push was abusive or not. If it seemed he was indeed lashing out at his son in anger and it was only good luck that he wasn't hurt seriously, then obviously I would help the OP change the locks on her front door.

I will absolutely agree though, that her DH shouldn't be bringing home tired grumpy kids and leaving the OP to deal with the fallout. You can't demand he bring them home earlier, but you can let him know that you expect him to manage the consequences of his choice to do so.

Mumoftu · 16/06/2017 23:42

I've read the bloody op and nowhere does she say it only happens on a Fri. Even if that is the case if they're getting in at quarter to 10 what time are they actually going to be bathed and settled in bed? 11? I might allow a late night for a wedding or something but not every Friday for no reason. Way too late for a child of that age. They'll either sleep in on the Saturday throwing the whole weekend off and be shattered by Monday or up bright and early and sleep deprived.
And no matter how unreasonable anyone thinks the op was being that is no excuse for pushing a child.

lborgia · 16/06/2017 23:43

Dustarr no-one has a right to parent anyway they want. If it impacts on other people/let alone the kids, it's not OK. If he wants to take (TAKE ffs!) the kids out, of course that's OK. But pushing a child is not an appropriate reaction to being pissed off with your wife.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:44

the clip to ear was accidental

It read to me like he missed, actually, but the intention to hurt was there.

Yes - only OP can say how exactly her husband acted. But she mentions he was shouting, and his behaviour shocked her so much she threw him out, sooooo...

Mumoftu · 16/06/2017 23:44

You don't stagger backwards when you're gently moved back. The child was clearly shoved.

Allthewaves · 16/06/2017 23:45

What was your ds trying to say?

You were both wrong. They r with their Dad - you need to chill. You shouldn't have picked a fight with dh infront if your kids. He shouldn't have shouted and pushed ds.

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 23:47

I'm not excusing the push or the clip. But the op is fooling herself if she thinks being so highly strung about kids bedtimes is good.

Original poster
mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:48

sera I don't know why he pushed him - I will speak with him tomorrow. The only person shouting was him.
Thanks thestoic and squished that is correct.
lborgia I was shaking when I wrote the first post and couldn't think straight - I now understand why people might drip feed a little - it can genunely be unintentional!

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 16/06/2017 23:48

Sera

DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout.

This is ok, is it?

I am SO confused about these reactions.

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 23:49

Just because she's not pushing them,doesn't make it any better

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:49

OP said the husband was deflecting responsibility and blaming the children for not coming back earlier, then DC1 spoke and got pushed - so maybe he was standing up for himself and the husband didn't like it.

He sounds like a pig.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 16/06/2017 23:51

Mumoftu - "The child was clearly shoved."

Not clearly at all. If I were to move my DD2, who is the same age, backwards, if she weren't prepared for it she would probably stagger a little.

Any views we form on what happened are completely subjective. Only the OP was there.

MaudGonneMad · 16/06/2017 23:51

Just because she's not pushing them,doesn't make it any better

Fucking hell. Really? For the hard of thinking: yes, no violence is better than violence.