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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

311 replies

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 22:58

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:15

Can I just say, there is NO EXCUSE for violence. None.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:16

Had he understood and agreed with your concerns re coming home? How old are your boys?

dustarr73 · 16/06/2017 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:17

I love dolly yes that's what I should have done.
peafacemcgee well that was my initial reaction - hence saying he needed to leave...

OP posts:
AskBasil · 16/06/2017 23:17

"I think I dislike it so much because when they are tired and hysterical he then bails out and leaves all the difficult behaviour to me to deal with, but it looks like I should let him get on with it! Really appreciate your replies "

No wonder you're pissed off. So he does all the fun stuff, winds them up, and you get to do the grunt work?

And handmaids don't notice that and don't notice the guy was physically violent and you're controlling?

Oh fuck off Mumsnet.

guineapig1 · 16/06/2017 23:18

Yabu but I suspect deep down that you know that or wouldn't be posting here for justification
Reading between the lines it seems as though the instigation was you throwing a strop ad they weren't home when you got in. If this is the case you are frankly being ridiculous. I'm not condoning your dh's actions but it does sound as if he was at the end of his tether. I'm going to suggest that you don't end your marriage over this. The best thing you could do is to ring your dh, apologise, ask him to come home immediately and try to establish some sensible ground rules moving forward.

dataandspot · 16/06/2017 23:19

Dustarr

Op is a gobshite?!

What a disgusting unfounded thing to say!

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:20

clopysow I couldn't think straight - hence my quick post - yes that is what annoys me the most but I think I need to chill out big time.
The pushing DS just really shocked me - but looks like the general consensus is that IABU. I am greatful for everyone's input.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 16/06/2017 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2017 23:20

It doesn't matter if you are controlling, or not. Your DH physically pushed your son in anger.

Quite why posters are laying into you shocks me. The H used physical violence, in anger, against his child.

Fucking hell. Don't let anyone turn this into a problem about you not being acquiescent enough Angry

dataandspot · 16/06/2017 23:20

Op

He takes them out and winds them up then he should put them to bed.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:20

I am on another fucking planet?! So violence and child abuse is ok if the wife 'wound him up' ?! It wasn't his fault because his wife is a controlling nag?!

Ffs. OP - don't listen to such crap.

lurkingwithlove · 16/06/2017 23:21

He should have left a note in case you'd worry/needlessly make food.

But..why not just enjoy the peace of having the house to yourself? And have a quiet chat with him about not leaving the dirty work to you. No need for drama here.

Beyondworried · 16/06/2017 23:21

You seem to be taking on the advice here OP. Sometimes we need an outside perspective. I hope you manage to sort it.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:21

Exactly askbasil!
Yes guineapig1 I will do that

OP posts:
JoshLymanJr · 16/06/2017 23:21

You're a gobshite.

Is there really any need for stuff like that?

IamHereButAreYouThere · 16/06/2017 23:21

I'd be annoyed too if dp took our dd out until late and when she came home, tired and irritable, left me to deal with her. If he wanted to take her out late and then dealt with the consequences I wouldn't mind.

And I'd be annoyed if he took her out for a meal without me and didn't let me know. I know your dh's phone was dead but couldn't he have let you know before he went out, or left a note? I am assuming you tend to eat together - if you usually eat separately on Fridays it's more reasonable imo. Although, still would have been nice for him to let you know.

The pushing thing was very wrong. He needs to apologise to your ds for that. If it's totally out of character, maybe he did just snap, but he needs to make sure it does not happen again.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/06/2017 23:22

No - you are not being unreasonable. This thread is about your H pushing your son in violence.

Anyone making it about you being controlling has their priorities wrongly hooked up.

"Yeah he hurt his son - but you were nagging him!" Fuck off.

Shelvesoutofbooks · 16/06/2017 23:22

Wait so he comes back home and leaves them tired with you?!?! After he's probably spent the entire effin day with them (and they probably were not angels with him) he lets you spend time with them while he has a rest?!?

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:22

No OP, I think you'll find that will not be the general consensus. How old are your boys?

lurkingwithlove · 16/06/2017 23:22

Oh and have serious words about him never ever raising a hand to anyone..way out of order

IHeartKingThistle · 16/06/2017 23:23

I took the kids to the beach after school today. DH knew we were going but beyond that I didn't contact him really. We had picnic tea, ice cream and they got thoroughly wet and sandy. We only left because they were locking the car park. We got home at about 9.30. It was just lovely and if DH had kicked off about it I would have been Confused Hmm Angry Sad. But I know he wouldn't. These days are precious.

Is he still locked out? Pushing kids is not on. It's good you're teaching your boys that. But I think you both have things to apologise for.

MaudGonneMad · 16/06/2017 23:23

when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down.

Right there in the OP, people.

YANBU about having them in for a decent bedtime.

And definitely YANBU for objecting to your DH using violence against your DS.

IamHereButAreYouThere · 16/06/2017 23:23

I'm not sure why so many posters are focusing on the op's behaviour, and ignoring the fact that the dh pushed their son.

MrsOverTheRoad · 16/06/2017 23:23

You need to SERIOUSLY look at your awful controlling behaviour. You sound dreadful...honestly! Fancy trying to stop them going out when you're at work!