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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

311 replies

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 22:58

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP posts:
oldbirdy · 16/06/2017 23:23

You should not have been arguing in front of the children. DS should not feel he needs to "put his oar in" at the age of 8 and to be honest the example the two of you have set of how to resolve a disagreement is appalling. Your dh was thoughtless but any moral high ground you may have had is lost by your decision to pick a fight in front of your children.

Beyondworried · 16/06/2017 23:24

A bit Hmm at the posts citing child abuse and violence. No over reaction there at all.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:24

Why are PP willfully ignoring the fact that the man hit and pushed a child out of anger?! Jeez

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:24

That's it franciscrawford we need to make a plan as equals - and then we will both be happy with it.
That's what I thought atrociouscircumstance but realise I need to not control his time with them, I didn't realise how much I was doing this.
beyond I definitely am taking it on board

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:25

Fancy trying to stop them going out when you're at work!

It doesn't say anything like that.

AskBasil · 16/06/2017 23:25

It is not controlling, to want the other adult in your house to a) communicate with you properly and b) to not do all the fun bits of parenting and leave the shit stuff to you.

Mumoftu · 16/06/2017 23:26

I must be living in a parallel universe as quarter to 10 is a ridiculous time to be bringing a 6 year old home from a meal out imo - weekend or not. And pushing your child isn't normal behaviour imo.
I think the dad, at the very least, needs to apologise to the child and make sure that never happens again.

AskBasil · 16/06/2017 23:27

The reason you're "controlling " his time with htem, is because he winds them up and then leaves you to calm them down.

Make him do both. If he winds them up, leave him to deal with the consequences of it.

Unless of course, the consequence is that he'll hit them Hmm

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:28

That's what I thought mumoftu - very interesting to read how differently people view all of this.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:28

I fucking despair with people sometimes. Some posters will find anything with which to knife the OP with. A man hit and pushed a child. It doesn't matter why.

And OP - my husband would not set foot in my house again if he hit and pushed my daughter. No no no.

MaudGonneMad · 16/06/2017 23:29

*Today 23:23 MrsOverTheRoad

You need to SERIOUSLY look at your awful controlling behaviour. You sound dreadful...honestly! Fancy trying to stop them going out when you're at work!*

She just asked that they are in from 7.30, not that that don't go out at all. FFS why don't people READ the OP properly before jumping in to berate Angry

SmileEachDay · 16/06/2017 23:30

If a child at school disclosed that their dad had hit him round the head then pushed him in the course of a row, I'd have no option but to pass that on to the locality team.

Worth bearing in mind, for the surprising number of posters thinking it is ok/can be ignored.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:30

Yes that's precisely it askbasil - because after all the 'fun' he is at the end of his tether and can't bear any more - I think if a nice calm bedtime followed I wouldn't be annoyed by them staying up late but they are so wound up despite all the fun they think they've had.

OP posts:
Mumoftu · 16/06/2017 23:30

Are they often out until 9 on school nights? What time is it he 6yo going to bed? They can't be getting enough sleep.

PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:30

What was your boy saying, that meant he got attacked?

GingerMcGrey · 16/06/2017 23:30

No, you are not being unreasonable. They are very young to be out late for no reason, particularly if you know they will be overtired and he won't help. The physical violence is completely unreasonable, I can't even imagine what I would do if my DH did that to one of the children, I think you were very reasonable to make him leave.

ilovegin112 · 16/06/2017 23:30

Amazing how the story changed when people said she was being controlling

IamHereButAreYouThere · 16/06/2017 23:31

I must be living in a parallel universe...

Same here.

JoshLymanJr · 16/06/2017 23:31

I must be living in a parallel universe as quarter to 10 is a ridiculous time to be bringing a 6 year old home from a meal out imo

You must be, yes. We regularly have our 4 and 6 year olds out that late at events and stuff at weekends. That's the one bit of this story that doesn't sound unreasonable to me.

IamHereButAreYouThere · 16/06/2017 23:31

How did the story change?

ArchieStar · 16/06/2017 23:32

YA both BU. You need to stop being so controlling, and it appears you've accepted that. He needs to tone down the fun scale to a suitable level... aka fun but still listening to adults in charge.

Communication is the key. I'm not even discussing the involvement of the DS, was he trying to explain where they've been and to calm you down? Or was he saying it's all dads fault, etc? My guess is DS was trying to explain where they had had been, dad didn't want the interruptions/wanted to explain himself/knew you were in no mood to listen to DC and went the wrong way about asking/making him leave. Just my assumption. Context is everything.

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:32

smile only a couple of posters seem to be concerned with this - glad it's not just me.
I have done lots of safeguarding training and perhaps this is why I am so much more focussed on this than some.

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 16/06/2017 23:33

I'd get this moved to relationships, love. So sorry this happened.

Mrsfloss · 16/06/2017 23:33

Mumoftu

Read the OP it's bloody Friday

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 23:33

which bit ilovegin?

OP posts: