To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

[mumbanator]

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP you're the abusive one, what an awful way for children to grow up witnessing their mother's controlling and manipulative behaviour and undermining their father. You engineered the row because your instructions hadn't been obeyed.

You need help.

I think your problem isn't about a father pushing a son gently into compliance. It's about your attitude towards your husband. He was taking them out for a meal - a nice thing to do. He's their father, why on earth wouldn't they be safe and well cared for? Why do they all have to be there waiting for you? Why do you need to keep tabs on him? He's an equal parent and can make decisions too. You need to be a bit nicer, more tolerant and less ego centric if you want his continued presence in your marriage.

OP I think you are NBU in your concern about the physicality of your DHs actions. It was purely luck that DS1 wasn't injured -- Children often receive unintentional injuries by actions aimed at them or by actions aimed at the child's other parent.
I think your reaction regarding the potential abuse and the need to discuss your conflicting feelings with your DH are very reasonable. Parenting is a learning process. I just hope your DH is willing to discuss the matter tomorrow.
Good luck

Pardalis "You said your OH pushed your son around. This too is not on. Not at all. Your children were in that situation because you have caused it to happen."

No, nope, no, absolutely not. That is stating baldly that the OP caused her DH to push her son. Questioning whether the DH intended harm to the DS is one thing. But blaming the OP for it happening? That can't go unchallenged.

It's NOT the OP's fault that her DH pushed her son. What the fuck is wrong with posters tonight?

What the fuck is wrong with previous posters piling in on you and calling you a control freak and everything OP. What complete and utter bullshit.

ANYone who lay a hand on my kids would be kicked out of my house or worse. Including DH. I don't care whether it's a one time thing or done or not done in anger or whatever. NO ONE lays a fucking finger on my kids.

I am really angry on your behalf with all of these ridiculous people telling you that you are overreacting. FFS.

Also have to say quite shocked and surprised at all the posts blaming OP for the situation. I don't see that at all.
But I haven't been drinking though!

YANBU

It is not alright for your DH to ignore previous requests you have made for children to be home at a reasonable time to avoid over-tiredness. Your DH should support you in joint parenting decisions.

A lot of children can't cope with even one late night - it can ruin the next day for them & make it harder to get to sleep on subsequent nights.

It sounds as though your DH was tired too leading to a loss of self-control & it is childish of him to blame the kids.

Very annoying & I understand how you feel completely.

I hope that you can get in touch with your DH & have a talk about his/your feelings & how it all impacts on the children/your relationship.

DO NOT LISTEN to the posters telling you that you are being controlling. You are not being controlling, you are being a responsible parent.

There have been a variety of responses here that's for sure. I will ask them to delete the post as AIBU might not be a good place for the weekend. Thank you everyone - I have read all the responses and this will shape our discussion tomorrow.

OP you're the abusive one, what an awful way for children to grow up witnessing their mother's controlling and manipulative behaviour and undermining their father. You engineered the row because your instructions hadn't been obeyed.

You need help.

Help Honeydragon, come on that's a bit off isn't it? What do you think about the shouting, ear clipping and pushing, then? Does that excuse it?

sorry your h blamed your kids for not wanting to come home?

whose the adult here an pushing him to shutup him up-charming

Wont condone the way your DH acted. You are a dictator though, theyre not just YOUR kids. Why does everything have to run to your rigid timescale? Your DH is not your child. Learn to chill out and let them enjoy fun time together. Well youve thrown him out now...do you want him to come back, firmly knowing his place?

I wouldn't want to be with a man who pushed a child. He's handling the stress caused by the dictatorship in entirely the wrong way and should keep his hands and temper to himself. Its not the kind of thing you want happening once, then possibly escalating from there

I

He has come home - I am glad - he had fallen asleep in his car and has now fallen asleep in the spare room so I can't get any sense out of him now but thanks to all of you I know what I need to clarify and what we need to discuss tomorrow.

Honeydragon, you are being overly dramatic. Are you always like that? Get some help for that.

I think id go out and turn my phone off too

I have knocked my kids more times than I can count just because they're underfoot. Completely unintentional, no violent intentions. I moved my dd out of the way once and she stumbled and fell on her bot. I'm pretty sure I'm not unfit to parent because of it.
Context is everything, histrionics don't help.
The massive overreaction in the first place really taints my opinion of the whole thing

21.45 isn't too late for some 6 or 8 year olds and it is for others. My dd would have coped just fine. My friends ds not so much and they would not have done this with him aged 6. You know your children and what they can cope with. If your dh isn't prepared to do the grunt work when they get home, he has no business getting them overtired and leaving them to you. As for expecting them to be home when you come home from work, I don't agree with this at all and would be extremely pissed off with my dh if he took this position, which he doesn't. As for pushing your ds, not acceptable but I think your reaction was disproportionate. I think you had a lot of tired people overreacting and as you say, time for a talk and apologies all round. I think you should start with the apologies as this will smooth the situation best. Agreed curfews and boundaries required. Don't beat yourself up too much. As we learn better, we do better.

Wow, I'm shocked by some of the harsh replies.

I've no experience of parenting of children those ages my dd is only a baby. But I was that child who was up late, and honestly it's not fun. I remember being tired and asking to go home, I remember I couldn't really sleep in the next morning so was tired and it did have a knock on effect of me being tired on Monday mornings when I was going back to school.

So I don't think the OP is controlling for wanting a 6 and 8 year old in a reasonable time (what's average for these ages bedtime?) I myself think a good bedtime routine is important and that will stay the same at weekends, unless we have a big occasional event, weddings etc.
She wasn't saying they can't go out or anything, if they finished school at 3.30 they had 4 hours, more than long enough for a trip to the park and something to eat surely!

It sounds to me, that he struggles with the children OP. He's saying himself they didn't listen to him, he can't deal if they start playing up and then when your son is trying to speak he's pushing him. Is he avoiding being home with them to avoid parenting perhaps?
How is he in general at parenting, not the fun bits, but homework, reading books, bathtime, mealtimes etc?
If it's not just a one off, I'd be asking him to look into a parenting course.

Also, I think the fact you posted at all, probably says you felt there was something in the push and I don't think you should ignore that. I'd be very annoyed and for me personally it may well end the relationship.

Sounds like everything very quickly became very heated. Yes, the children were out a bit late but it's not the end of the world for one night. They were out having fun with their dad which is important too.
You need to sit down calmly together and TALK to each other and try to reach some sort of compromise, it's meant to be a partnership which means working together and working through differences of parenting styles.
Family life can be very stressful. It's important to apologise when we are wrong and try to find better ways of going forward.

I would take this as the warning about the parenting situation/your interaction that it is. I wouldn't throw someone out because a) I have roughly handled a hysterical child myself, barging them out of the way and b) the response needs to be proportionate and collapsing in a family life and removing their father plus allowing him sole access on weekends which he undoubtedly would get if you divorced is an over-reaction at this stage.

That doesn't mean it's ok. When I was losing it and screaming at the children, including pushing, my husband was very calm but also gave me a warning- this cannot continue, and I won't allow it to go on that way.

I heeded the warning, realised my anger was getting out of control and it's been fine since then.

I wouldn't minimize this, nor would I make this catastrophic if it is not his normal behaviour and it was one of those 'crisis' moments where we get to see just how awful we could be. If it was habitual/fitted into a larger picture of control/abuse, that's different and I would respond differently.

I think you know yabu about DH's curfew tbh. The kids get a bit tired, maybe that needs to be addressed, but you really can't order him around and then be 'seething' and 'livid' when he doesn't do as you say. You can express your preference, but your reaction has been ott.

But he shouldn't have pushed your son. That was completely out of order. Should you have kicked him out? Dunno. But it can't be excused.

You sound VERY VERY controlling struggling to understand your post ,think you are trying to justify your controlling behaviour. Think you are trying to paint a picture which isn,t there ,violence is never acceptable but you put dh clipped son round the ear but he did,t notice barely made contact , sounds like he didn,t hit him. When you say he pushed him if an adult push a small child the kid would notice and probably be on it,s backside .the other day my ds was in the way turned him round and put my hand on his back and pointed him in the right direction (want to use the word push but don't want to be accused of abuse) with a nudge

As a dad I find it insulting when my wife rings when i take the kids out to check there safe , had a conversasion about this it suggest that you are not cappable .I would never dream of ringing my wife when she was out with the kids to check there safe they are with there mum why would,t they be . You sound like a person who will engineer situations people will only take so much then when he kicks off you are the innocent victum

Whether you think you are being unreasonable or not, over-reacted or not, surely the fact that he pushed your son is a no no (according to you)?

Or is this more to do with the way you think you handle things, thus starting this thread? Your stance on whether you are unreasonable has no bearing on the fact that your son was pushed, surely?

They are his children too !
So he has to be back from taking his children out by the time you're home otherwise you'll be cross.
And that is also his house too. You have no right to ask him to leave or lock him out
He's disciplined his son. Has he harmed him with a push ? I doubt it.
It doesn't sound like it. It's not gbh.
If I were him I'd be considering leaving you or locking you out or at least get a grip of yourself.