To wonder if they'll ever have children?

[user1497444078]

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

Some people don't talk about everything, even with close friends.

I have been married fifteen years, if you asked my dh he would say we would love to have a family. Or if we have a family. We also book lovely holidays and I have a professional career. What you won't see is multiple miscarriages, failed IVF and utter heartache hidden below the surface. My family know, and my best friend, but nobody else.

So I would leave them be, not everything is how it seems.

I wouldn't advise anything. The decision to start a family is a personal one and their reasons for waiting aren't anyone else's concern.

With all due respect, unless you are asked for advice, please, please don't give it. It's unlikely to be welcome. You have no idea if what she has decided to tell you is the full story about why they don't have children, and it could possibly end your friendship and come across as patronising if you get involved.

It could very well be that she doesn't want children at all, or is terrified of the prospect. I have a sister who has been married for years and I'm quite sure her husband would love kids. In her more honest moments she has told me that she is too selfish to put a child before herself, and knowing her well I can see that's pretty likely! She is pretty snide about my choice to have three (soon to be four) kids, and mentions the many foreign holidays and expensive outings they go on, although seems very jealous that we own a house while they have chosen not to save for a deposit despite two decent salaries.

Sorry to derail slightly, but I think you should not advise unless asked. If it is a deal-breaker in their relationship, this will become apparent.

My advice is for you to mind your own business.

Fourpaws

I have had secondary infertility and two miscarriages, and although I have gone on to have successful pregnancies, my heart goes out to you. I'm sure you would give up your holidays in a heartbeat if it made a difference. X

Blimey, please stay out of it.

I'm 41 and most people would presume I'm child free out of choice.

I have a friend like this. She has been trying to get pregnant for 8 years and pretends she is enjoying her lifestyle too much to keep the pain of their infertility private. You have no idea what is really going on.

I agree with PP, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Could be a number of things. And at the end of the day if she isn't 100% sure about having kids then why should they start trying? Isn't that up to them to find a way to make it work if they really want to? Maybe he wanted kids, but she doesn't and wasn't sure how to tell him. Now she has, or has been hinting heavily at it hence him now saying 'if' rather than 'when'.
Leave them to it.

Drives me nutty when everyone keeps asking when we are going to have kids/get married. If they bring it up then feel free to offer advice, otherwise butt out.

I would advise to keep your nose out

You don't know everything that's going on, don't give advice unless it's asked for

hey intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I don't really see the connection.

But it sounds like she may not kids.

And you sound very invested.

You're way too invested in the goings on of someone else's uterus.

If she doesn't want children/ isn't ready for whatever reason there is nothing more annoying than having someone banging on about it yes MIL I'm looking at you. She is a person not an incubator and whether and when she decides to have kids is her decision.

Get on with your own life rather than wondering about other people's. And as others have said maybe they are trying, who knows?

My advice would be to stop being so insufferably pompous and interfering, and the assumptions that your 'friend' doesn't want a child because it will limit her 'holidays and designer clothes spend' are pretty offensive.

What's it got to do with you? You only know how they publicly present their situation, you have no idea of their private reality.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle

Is it just me, or does this sound like a journo fishing for quotes for an article?

I have a baby now but it took over a year to conceive. I used to say 'when I have children' but when we had trouble I changed to 'if' and am pretty resigned to only having one due to fertility issues. I never told anyone when we got test after test showing issues we both had, not even my parents as it was too painful. I had quite a few well meaning colleagues and friends advise me that time was running out and that children are so much more fulfilling than exotic holidays. Honestly I wouldn't say anything unless they ask your advice as you never know the reasons. Maybe they just don't want children but why does that bother you?

Dear God, mind your own business.

Agree with olive.

I really don't understand why booking a holiday stops you having children. I've been trying for ages and I still plan on my skiing holiday each year.

If we'd actually booked rather than just put a deposit down before anything (please oh please oh please) happened then I would still go and just not ski. Or drink. Or go in the sauna.

Pants. I would take a lot of knitting and learn to snowshoe I guess!!

OMG. You have NO idea.

Please do not ever ask them when they are going to have children, or make any crass comments about 'having to cut down on the holidays if they want children lol'

You (in your baby bubble) have no idea of what is going on. Keep your wonderings to yourself!

notanevilstepmother
My advice is for you to mind your own business.

^ This. Unless they ask for your opinion or advice, it is none of your business.

Why couldn't she conceive between, say, May and December?
YANBU to wonder to yourself but don't wonder aloud.

Butt out, not your place to advise anything unless specifically asked.

It's absolutely none of your business and you do sound unhealthily over invested.

Honestly, stay well out of it. No good can come of you getting involved, unless they specifically ask for your opinion and advice. It doesn't look as if they have.

Echo the other posters saying stay well out of it. You don't know what her reasons are and, as she hasn't brought up the subject with you, she obviously doesn't want to discuss it.