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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if they'll ever have children?

234 replies

user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 16:41

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

OP posts:
Eggsellent · 17/06/2017 09:53

It's really none of your business. Maybe she doesn't want children - it's not compulsory and is up to her and her dh to decide whether she can be persuaded or need to split up. Maybe they are trying/ having tests/ having treatment/ having miscarriages in which case the last thing they need is advice from well meaning friends. Seriously butt out.

Riversleep · 17/06/2017 10:00

Ok in response to your answer, yes if he was that desperate for a child and she really doesn't want one, it could break up the marriage. They could then go their separate ways and find partners who want the same things. Better than dragging a baby into the mux and then finding out she felt pressganged into it. See how long your friendship survives getting involved in someone elses marriage. Or they could decide together to be child free or he could convince her to have a baby and they could live happily ever after or split. None of that would be your doing. It would be a decision between the only two people who matter in that decision. It sounds like you don't really care about that though. You just want to bully this poor women into having a baby. In which case, go ahead.

Whathaveilost · 17/06/2017 10:17

This is the most bonkers thread in ages!!
I cant understand why you need to ask for advise so that you can pass it on to friends who are capable about making their own minds up about what they want.

For many years we were in the same position as your friends. No hidden agenda such as miscarriage, failing to conceive etc and I had people telling me how wonderful it is, I would makes great mum etc. They were a pain in the arse!!
I tried (and succeeded) to get pregnant when i was ready to, not because some one kept chirping at me!!!

waitforitfdear · 17/06/2017 10:20

You are a strange one op. Live your life and let others live theirs. Mind your businsss.

BattleaxeGalactica · 17/06/2017 10:34

You're clearly determined to do it, OP.

Crack on and let us know how it goes Hmm

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 17/06/2017 12:14

I think there's a reason they haven't discussed this with you.

Swissgemma · 17/06/2017 12:21

As many have said.... we went through 5 rounds of ivf. Many people thought we were childless through choice. Probably because that's what I told them! Too busy living life, busy lifestyle, too much to do. I lied. I wouldn't've wanted to be challenged and have My much too thin self-protection veil punctured.

loveliesbleeding1 · 17/06/2017 12:22

Just a small point, it would be her "falling pregnant" not them.I hate that phrase.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 17/06/2017 12:33

This is hilarious Grin

I think you should have a baby for them and give them a monthly stipend and an undertaking that you will look after it for the annual October holiday. Problem solved.

ThanksMsMay · 17/06/2017 12:33

he's fantastic with our DC and appears pretty smitten whenever she's been around her. That's what makes me think she'd be a good mum.

Playin fun auntie is nothing like parenting.

Hell, a lot of actual fathers do the same every other weekend for their children but can't hack full time parenting.

The two are not related and if she "fell pregnant" she might be gutted.

You sound completely unhinged and yes, some things like infertility are taboo. That's the point you don't know that they would tell you.

It could be that they're forever going on about what a nosy cow you are.

FreeNiki · 17/06/2017 12:35

Playin fun auntie is nothing like parenting.

Yup. I am great with other peoples kids too. Its a novelty.

Once they are yours I am sure the reality is very different

PoochSmooch · 17/06/2017 12:38

I love the yurt analogy aRumWithAView!

Not everybody wants a yurt. And if they are in any way ambivelent about yurt owning, then the very last people in the world that they would share their true feelings about yurts would be their yurt obsessed friends who can't honestly believe why everyone doesn't love yurting as much as they do, and who most likely never shut up about it, to the extent that they seek advice online about how to convert people who aren't interested in the joys of yurts.

You're the yurt obsessed friend, user. I really think you are misreading the situation, and one fine day, your friend is going to tell you.

Groupie123 · 17/06/2017 13:03

Mind your business. You probably don't know the half of what's going onz

stevie69 · 17/06/2017 14:17

she's fantastic with our DC and appears pretty smitten whenever she's been around her. That's what makes me think she'd be a good mum.

Well, I'm pretty smitten with babies—they're beyond cute and smell nice (most of the time Wink) and I'm EVERYONE'S favourite babysitter. My friends trust me implicitly with their little ones—quite rightly, too Blush

Would I therefore have made a good mum? Would I f**k! (sorry for the language). And why? Because my life revolves around me (sorry to be brutally honest, but it's true). I've never wanted any children and to have had some would have been fair on neither them nor me.

Please don't make the assumption that anyone who coos over a baby for half an hour would make a good mum. Categorically not true in my case and I don't imagine for a minute that I'm alone.

Your friend and her husband are adults; they'll sort it out between them.

S xx

skiploom · 17/06/2017 14:36

I also 'appear smitten' when someone foists their offspring on me, because I'm a good actress and it's easier to keep it together, avoid questions and go home to have a good cry about my useless infertile body.

Just leave it OP.

brasty · 17/06/2017 14:46

Cooing over a baby for half an hour is easy. Very different from being a mum.

stevie69 · 17/06/2017 14:48

Cooing over a baby for half an hour is easy. Very different from being a mum.

stevie69 · 17/06/2017 14:49

Cooing over a baby for half an hour is easy. Very different from being a mum.

Took the words right out of my mouth ......... Smile

InLovewithaGermanFilmStar · 17/06/2017 15:05

Are you still on about this OP ? You're a tad obsessed.

Here's another story for you, to help you learn some empathy.

Good friends of mine wanted a child. Several miscarriages later ... You know what they did? They took LOTS of holidays - not huge ones, but lots of extended weekends in Italy, a few short hops to the US just for a week or so, nothing too OTT. But in your language "nice holidays, designer clothes etc" you seem awfully conscious of materialistic things

Because why? Because they decided that the best way to conceive naturally was to try to relax, eliminate stress from their lives, enjoy themselves.

Their daughter is 14.

So just shut up.

TabascoToastie · 17/06/2017 16:55

OP - I said I have the exact same very close "talk about personal stuff all the time" relationship with my friends that you have with yours, and I still agree with the rest of the thread that it's totally inappropriate to interfere.

Funny how you completely ignored that.

So drop the whole "anyone who disagrees with me obviously just doesn't understand close friendships" thing because no one has judged the concept of talking to friends about spawning-related issues.

Talking to a friend openly is the polar opposite of what you're doing.

TabascoToastie · 17/06/2017 17:03

Incidentally I actually am in the situation where two of my close friends (newlyweds) desperately want to start a family but can't quite afford to yet. Except it's not a situation I'm in because it's nothing to do with me, and it's not comparable to yours because my friends have actually chosen to confide in me and yours have not.

I don't do anything except act as a sympathetic ear when asked, generally be diplomatic about their financial situation (come up with cheaper options for nights out), and perhaps helping out with little things like cat sitting. That's an appropriate level of boundaries within a close friendship.

AyeAmarok · 17/06/2017 17:13

You sound like an insufferable new mum.

But honestly, you are so, SO overinvested in this OP.

Your friend is obviously not ready to have children. It's easy for men to say they want one, they don't need to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, (and therefore often permanently change their body), take a break from their career for maternity leave, and then then face the dilemma of working part time and stalling your career, or working full-time and feeling like you're doing everything badly. Sounds like your friend doesn't fancy that at the moment.

Ps, I also appear smitten with close friends' new babies. I'm not though.

AyeAmarok · 17/06/2017 17:16

If I was TTC and not having any success, I'd book a holiday for every October too. That way, if you're pregnant and can't go. Great! If you aren't, then that's good too, as you can look forward to a holiday.

frozenfairy123 · 17/06/2017 19:22

If she really doesn't want kids then it's up to him to decide if he wants to stay. Nothing to do with u op I'm afraid.
I also completely understand the heartbreak of infertility and problems but all the secrecy is not helpful, maybe If we were just more honest then we may get more support then we expect. For example I was in a position to be given privileged information about a clients fertility issues due to work requirements and I was able to direct her to specialist treatment that helped her conceive after 7 miscarriages. If she hadn't told me she could have given up trying by now! Xx

Blueink · 17/06/2017 19:39

The answer to your question it IS expensive and no-one would choose to have a child logically with this being their prime concern. From what your friend has said it seems she does not want to have a child and her partner is coming to that view too. So what. She apparently enjoys spending time with you and your child, be happy for that. Their situation is what it is, however open they are, you will only ever have an outside view of their relationship. Stop creating problems where they don't exist and then trying to find solutions.

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