To wonder if they'll ever have children?

[user1497444078]

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

Another one who thinks this sounds like a lazy journalist.

As practically everyone else has said, MYOB. If you saw us in my 30s you'd have seen lots of foreign holidays and nice clothes, you wouldn't have been privy to the heartache (unsuccessful trying for DC).

Get on with your nice life and find something else to think about.

Oh god people make comments like this about my poor friend who has been trying (in private) everything to get pregnant for about 6 years now, while on the outside pretending to everyone else that life is great, and that she loves the "freedom" to do what she wants.

Back off and MYOB. Yes, YABVU

Honestly, some of the posts on here today....

Why are you even asking about this?
Your talking about someone's private life without their permission. Clearly you dont know anything as you think she is worried about finances but she didnt actually bloody tell you.
I hope she doesn't find out that you talk about her life like its some kind of soap opera for your own entertainment.
Find something better to do with your own life

You sound pompous and interfering. Leave them alone and offer no advice unless you are expressly asked. HTH.

We were married for 13 years before we managed to conceive. Not a single person other than DH knew how desperately we wanted to. Not one. If asked, we would always have responded "too busy having fun". MYOB.

Stay out of it. Child free here and not through choice.

Well I beg to differ. I was childfree late 30s happily married and in my typical way just cruising along not thinking about anything in particular .A younger friend who I later discovered , was having fertility issues asked me if I planned to have a family . I hadn't really thought about it and she sort of kicked me into touch . We ended up delivering in the same hospital about 12 months later.

Seriously? Keep your nose out!

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she doesn't want kids or is scared- and that's fine. She doesn't need any more pressure from you. But maybe they are trying and are struggling. For some women it is simply not as easy as "want baby, get pregnant, have baby".

I haven't told hardly any of our family about our miscarriages or our fertility struggles- as minor as they may be compared to some, and I'm even less likely to talk to friends about it. Maybe that's just me, but it is what it is.

I would keep your advice to yourself. I doubt you'll be thanked for it!

Slow clap for being able to conceive your child. Perhaps they're trying, perhaps not. I'm really sad that people will have thought the same of me before I had dd through ivf at 37. Otoh she may not want children and they STILL is none of your business.

Some friend! Cannot believe anyone would even consider 'offering advice' to someone in such a situation. This comes across as 'Behold! I Have Sprogged! It Is The Greatest Thing To Ever Happen To Anyone In the Universe And I Shall Shed My Shining Light On You! You Will Be Enlightened!'

Very offensive to go on about how they chose to spend their money, too.

YABU

You have no idea what might be going on for them. You also seem to focus a lot on their being well-off & their holidays etc. You sem a bit envious, tbh

YABU, I find it weird enough when parents put pressure on their children to have gran kids but this is even weirder, why does it matter to you if they have children or not ? Not everybody wants or can have children, just leave them be.

'You (in your baby bubble) have no idea of what is going on. Keep your wonderings to yourself'

One hundred percent THIS

Most people assume we are childfree by choice. The reality is WAY more complicated than that. It's an intensely personal area of life and can be so painful for some of us.

And I hate to break it to you, but some of us don't actually think that kids are all they're cracked up to be

Just because a holiday is booked doesnt mean anything. They could still be TTCing and having all sorts of problems you dont know about.
My SIL used do this, the holiday was a consolation prize to look forward to. One year they had to cancel as she had my beautiful nephew 2 months after they were scheduled to go.
Yes they lost their deposit but was worth ot to them and their way of coping all the years they were unsuccessfully TTCing.

It's really none of your business.

The only exception for me is if one half has expressed their frustration to me. In that case I would be of a mind to delicately point out that fertility has an expiry date (for both of them) and hanging on for nothing will lead resentment

As my old primary school teacher used to say... mind your own beeswax!

This is such a hot button issue that there is nothing you can say that won't be hurtful and/or seen as interfering.

My son and DiL have this issue in reverse. She's ready to start a family and he keeps booking them holidays to put it off. I keep my mouth firmly shut, even if I'm asked for advice. I'd advise you to do the same.

Try just minding your own business. Have you got nothing more important to worry about?

Are you secretly one of the couple's parents and wishing for grandchildren? Even then, you need to keep out of it.

I missed the part where this is any of your business.

why does it have anything to do with you!

They may have fertility issues
They may, rightly, want to enjoy their current life and are not ready to have children. They may never have them.
Why should they have to compromise their lifestyle? You chose a certain way of life, they are perfectly entitled to chose another one. It's one thing to mention having children one day, and another to go for it.

I hate people talking about "trying to conceive", TMI anyone?! , but unless they specifically ask for your advice, mind your own business.

HE might want to start a family, but doesn't sound as if she wants to. It is a very bad idea to do this unless both want to.

I literally cannot think of anything which is further from your business.

And it is not about retaining a lifestyle, having kids is something that some people do not want to do. If she does not, that is her business.