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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if they'll ever have children?

234 replies

user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 16:41

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

OP posts:
Giddyaunt18 · 16/06/2017 22:26

It's not your concern. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. I always find that couple with DC are so keen for others to have them. So what if they decided they don't want children? It's not for everyone. It doesn't matter if they never do or if they wait 10 more years.

Papafran · 16/06/2017 22:30

I hate people who get personally invested in whether other people have children. You would 'love it if they fell pregnant'? Why precisely? Why don't you have another baby yourself if you want another baby around? Also, please don't ever vocalise any of your feelings that you are personally upset that they haven't procreated yet. Chances are it won't go down well.

AirandMungBeans · 16/06/2017 22:31

Our friends thought similar of us. They had a baby and she talked a lot about how great it would be for us to fall pregnant too and I know she wondered aloud to another friends about why we seemed so reluctant. What she didn't know was that we had been trying for four years, long before they decided to try, and were about to start IVF. Not everyone shares every aspect of their lives, even to close friend.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 22:49

I probably should've stated in original post that this isn't a taboo subject for us. It may hit a raw nerve with alot of ppl, but with all due respect not every friendship finds conceiving/pregnancy chat upsetting.

She has been pretty open about not being maternal and wanting to enjoy her career for a while, and on the flipside he was telling us to big up pregnancy until maybe 3months ago.

But his mood shifted a little and there was alot of talk about finances, childcare constraints etc. So this isn't baseless assumptions.

Like I said generally it may be an uneasy subject for most but they're really not as sensitive as most, are pretty thick skinned and quite open and blunt about most things (openly asked us how much we earned pretty early on in friendship).

OP posts:
NC4now · 16/06/2017 22:52

If she doesn't want a baby, why are you so keen to convince her? It really is their business.

PurpleDaisies · 16/06/2017 22:53

Why is it your business to convince them to have a baby?

What on earth is it to do with you?

PickAChew · 16/06/2017 22:56

Just leave them alone.

Friends, family and acquaintances musing on when you'll have a baby is beyond intrusive.

HildaOg · 16/06/2017 22:57

It makes no sense for you to care. If he wants them he has plenty of time, if she decides never to have them, he can find someone else. Maybe she doesn't want them with him... Who knows. Why does it matter to you?

fabulous01 · 16/06/2017 22:58

Ruddy self righteous.
First don't assume anything
Second none of your business
Third. Have you no life that you spend time on others that you have no idea about

Papafran · 16/06/2017 23:00

Like I said generally it may be an uneasy subject for most but they're really not as sensitive as most, are pretty thick skinned and quite open and blunt about most things (openly asked us how much we earned pretty early on in friendship)

Well, if you're so free and open, why not ask them about it rather than pondering on some internet forum about whether they will have a baby. She has said she doesn't want a baby right now, so why is that so difficult to accept?

Original poster
user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 23:09

hildaog it makes perfect sense for us to care about what the future holds for our close friends and on a subject we've been very open to discuss. Are you not the least bit curious of the lives of your friends?

fabulous if actually read my post I clearly dobt assume and what I've stated has come from previously discussions with our friends.

I should've specified if there was anyone on here who are similarly thick skinned, non sensitive, and happily discuss these matters with their friends. I feel majority of responses are from perspective of ppl who find this upsetting and intrusive, but maybe ppl could be more open minded and respect some friendships are more open and find this subject very dicussable.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/06/2017 23:11

You're not just curious though. You were wanting advice on how to convince them to have a baby.

I'm glad you're not my friend.

LondonNicki · 16/06/2017 23:11

Have they asked for your advice?

HildaOg · 16/06/2017 23:18

I have skin like a rhino, I wouldn't be offended by someone so obsessed with my reproductive organs, I would be baffled. Why? And no, I wouldn't give it a second thought unless one of them asked for advice.

Slimthistime · 16/06/2017 23:19

Maybe she's changed her mind.
But none of your business regardless.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 23:19

purple not really though. Just advise on seeing past finance as a major barrier. He has clearly expressed his desire for children. She's less enthused but openly says she's open to having children

OP posts:
Crispmonster1 · 16/06/2017 23:21

Although you think you are being helpful and a friend, Really this is none of your business. It would be catastrophic to bring it up. You have no idea what's really happening and nor do you have the right to. For the sake of your friendship don't mention it!

Papafran · 16/06/2017 23:22

Let them sort it out themselves. Seriously. Nobody is going to come up with a magic solution whereby they can keep exactly the same lifestyle and have a kid. They sound intelligent- I am sure they can come up with an idea. And as others have pointed out, they have not directly asked you for advice.

broodynmoody · 16/06/2017 23:36

OP I know your trying to be helpful in your own way and you've just got ambushed.

Though It may be normal and easy to talk about pregnancy and conceiving in your friendship, doesn't mean necessarily to say you should encourage or persuade your friend in any way to have children when she's not ready. Maybe give some practical information, which I have given to my friend who I know a million percent is not TTC and putting it off.. I said to her she could jave tests done to see if they are fertile and if they want to carry on without children then fine, but what you don't want is to put it off and then when u get round to it, you find out you have fertility problems (which I did!) 3 years down the line with a round of IVF.
Don't encourage, persuade or advise Grin

Sara107 · 16/06/2017 23:43

You can't stop booking holidays just in case you have a baby! You don't put your entire life on hold on the off chance of imminent conception. I'm sure if and when they are ready they'll have a baby without any well meant intervention. And as others have suggested, they may be struggling to concierge and just not sharing that with everybody.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/06/2017 23:45

I'm not thin-skinned OP but I wouldn't discuss this with you because it's absolutely none of your business.

Are you usually this blinkered and one-tracked minded and unable to read nuance? Do you need things spelt out to you particularly? If so, you're really not as close a friend as you think you are.

If they wanted you to know their conception plans, they would tell you. Get a clue and stop being so crass.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 23:51

papafran broodynmoody

A lot of ppl appear to find it difficult to put their own feelings aside and are reacting as if I was asking them directly. But as I stated this isn't a taboo subject for them as it clearly is for so many ppl on here. Yours was the open minded, level headed and diplomatic response I was hoping for so thanks for that. I appreciate your comments.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 16/06/2017 23:55

OP I don't think it's wrong of you to try and convince her to have children because it might be an upsetting subject for her, I think you're wrong to try and convince her to have children because, from everything you say in your first post it's an entirely self-centred position on your part. Why on earth, if she's talked about not being maternal, do you think she'd be a great mother? Why do you think she'd be happy as a mother? If they wanted to have children they wouldn't need convincing.

Umpteenthnamechange · 17/06/2017 00:09

Yours was the open minded, level headed and diplomatic response I was hoping for so thanks for that

OP: AIBU
Most: YABVVU
One person: YANBU
OP -"Yours was the open minded, level headed and diplomatic response I was hoping for so thanks for that"

Original poster
user1497444078 · 17/06/2017 00:11

boom she's fantastic with our DC and appears pretty smitten whenever she's been around her. That's what makes me think she'd be a good mum.

I would also counter the suggestion if they wanted children they wouldn't need convincing. Would you say it's plausible some ppl are on the fence, and there have been instances of ppl in the past who never had children but later regretted it, but might have been swayed had they discussed it more?

OP posts: