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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if they'll ever have children?

234 replies

user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 16:41

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

OP posts:

Sophiealice95 · 16/06/2017 17:56

Offer to be their surrogate and to help out with child care whenever they need it for free OP ,they might just have one then but l got to say I think their hearts are not truly in it atm.

indigox · 16/06/2017 17:58

It's none of your business. Her life, not yours.

msocean · 16/06/2017 18:00

With all due respect, mind your own business.

DeadGood · 16/06/2017 18:03

Apart from what everyone else has said - why do you assume that having a child will put them onto a single income?

Maternity leave exists, you know.

Yes they will eventually have to pay for childcare, but if they are well paid then even a private nursery in London would be under £20,000 a year which wouldn't put them in the "single income" bracket.

brasty · 16/06/2017 18:06

And people who really want kids, don't put it off for a holiday.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 16/06/2017 18:06

You need to keep your nose and say nothing, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, maybe she doesn't want them, maybe she prefers a luxe lifestyle or maybe she doesn't tell you they are having problems conceiving!
For years when people asked me when I was going to have kids I'd make some quip about not being eat s whole one or similar but actually I couldn't. I am now pregnant but half dreading telling some people as they don't get why it's happened so late in life because they can only see life from their POV which is what you're doing

Catra · 16/06/2017 18:06

From the title of your OP, I thought you were going to say that they were early 30s, not early 40s!

FWIW I'm 38 and only now pregnant with my first. This wasn't because of fertility issues, it was because until this year I wasn't ready to start TTC because I was enjoying myself too much. And no, I don't earn loads of money, go on flash holidays or wear designer clothes - I just value my freedom.

If I'd found out that one of my friends had been posting similar things on Mumsnet about me prior to this I'd tell her to mind her own bloody business and would seriously have to reconsider the friendship.

Catra · 16/06/2017 18:07

I mean the other way round - early 40s, not early 30s obviously!

AperolOnIce · 16/06/2017 18:07

Beak. Out.

The end.

Lj8893 · 16/06/2017 18:12

You don't sound like a very good friend.

VestalVirgin · 16/06/2017 18:14

I would love for them to fall pregnant

No, you would love for her to fall pregnant. He cannot fall pregnant, which may be the reason why they don't have children yet: It is her choice, period.

Stay out of it. Perhaps they have fertility problems, perhaps she quite reasonably predicts that the burden of childcare will fall on her and is not quite decided she wants to go through that, or she just doesn't like the risk associated with pregnancy and childbirth.

Whatever the reason, you won't make anything better by offering your advice.

It is very unlikely that she desperately wants children and is just worried about money. The way you describe them it doesn't sound like they're one step away from poverty.

Limitededitionseveninch · 16/06/2017 18:15

You never know, their opposing views on children could be driving a wedge between them behind closed doors.

The last thing she needs, therefore, is some "advice" on the situation, which although well-meaning would be very unwelcome.

Also, what you are running the risk of doing by dishing out said advice is implying that she can only really be happy with her husband if she has kids. She may not see it that way.

SootSprite · 16/06/2017 18:18

Fuck me, how condescending are you?! What the hell has it got to do with you? Oh, I know, your life is just so rose-tinted and perfect and if they were just a bit more like you then their lives would be so much happier. ODFOD.

MsWanaBanana · 16/06/2017 18:19

I think you should concentrate on your own family and mind your own business. Their decision to have or not have children has nothing whatsoever to do with you. If she has decided she doesn't want children yet, what makes you think anything you say is going to change her mind anyway.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2017 18:19

Wow

Some right cocks on here atm

WhyOhWine · 16/06/2017 18:22

I was/am a high earner and always enjoyed nice holidays.

I had to have IV to have children. It suited me that people thought of me as a career woman who enjoyed my lifestyle and played up to that as I did not particularly want to talk about fertility issues. I would not assume that they are currently child free by choice.

If maintaining the lifestyle is more important to them than children, that is their call. It is possible to enjoy nice holidays etc with children. I have always done so, you just need ot be a bit more creative about it. Howeve,r it does depend on earnings. DH and I do not have family nearby (we are in London, family are in Scotland and Devon). We both worked (me full time, DH part time) and relied on childcare (nanny). In the early days it was break even and we had to tighten the belt straps for a few years, but our salaries increased and it became easier once they hit school.

So assuming they are genuine that it is about lifestyle, what i would say (altohugh this does obviosuly depend on earnings) is that they probably will have to give up on fancy holidays etc fora while (altohugh they are not that much fun with toddlers anyway), but it is potentilaly a short term thing (my children travel very well). If they are not prepared to make sacrifices for a few years, they probaly dont really want children.

BrunoMartelli · 16/06/2017 18:23

Agree very much with everyone else. Please stay out of this.
If your friend wanted to talk to you about this, she would. In the nicest possible way, please take the hint.
For years I batted away nosy well meaning questions about if and when we were having children with glib responses about being 'happy as we are' and not knowing 'what the future would bring' when in fact we were suffering with infertility and had no desire to discuss this with anyone, not even close friends.
This may not be he case for your friend. Perhaps she isn't as keen to have children as her DH, or perhaps they're just waiting longer. The point is, and I mean this kindly, it has nothing to do with you.
A good friend is one who knows when to back off. If she needs your help, she'll ask for it.

chinlop · 16/06/2017 18:24

My advice is for you to mind your own business

This. I don't really see why you think you need to say anything to them. They are adults, if they both want children, I'm sure they'll [at least try to] have them. If they don't, they won't. Nothing needs to be said.

BoldKitties · 16/06/2017 18:24

How about you butt the fuck out of their business?

DP and I have been grilled so many times as to our reproductive intentions. I've had 5 miscarriages, but I don't say that to any of the people who have asked us if we're planning on having children (including an old school friend from over 10 years ago who I met on a train, and an ex-colleague of DP's who stopped us when walking through Tesco car park and asked us if we were thinking of having babies). I laugh and say 'oh, we're not there yet'. Because I'm sure as fuck not going to disclose our struggles to some randomer.

Leave your friend alone. Just because you have had your DC (congratulations, btw) doesn't mean that your friend has to follow in your footsteps.

PurpleDaisies · 16/06/2017 18:25

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

You think your high flying friends are too stupid to realise that their life won't stop if they have children? Is this for real?

It's absolutely none of your business. You don't know if they don't want children or if they've been trying for years without success.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/06/2017 18:26

I would love for them to fall pregnant......

You are way too over invested in their business, and probably for entirely selfish reason (so you both have kids/common interests and don't drift apart).

MistressDeeCee · 16/06/2017 18:30

Mind your own business. Im wondering if youre the same poster who's putting up jealousy threads re your friend in a big house with no kids. If its you - Im thinking it is, as circs sound the same yiu just change words slightly - then stop being over-invested and bloody obsessed. How on earth your friend hasnt dumped you yet I dont know. Can we not have another thread please this is the 3rd one ive had the displeasure of seeing. You need to stop watching your friend, and make a life for yourself. Ridiculous.

Clalpolly · 16/06/2017 18:33

Mind your own business. Mind your own business. Mind your own business. Mind your own business.

LeannePerrins · 16/06/2017 18:35

YABU. None of your business.

YA also BU to use the ghastly phrase 'fall pregnant'. One doesn't typically conceive by tripping over a spermatozoon.

notknownatthisaddress · 16/06/2017 18:38

Can't add much to what many have said. Keep your nose out.

And you do know an AWFUL lot about this couple.

And also, you seem very invested in their lives and finances? Why???

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