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To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

212 replies

user1497535565 · 15/06/2017 15:23


I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Hisnamesblaine · 15/06/2017 15:28

YANBU and he is a thoughtless knob. What's he doing with all this saved up money?


nachogazpacho · 15/06/2017 15:28

Nope. He needs to get his own car. Tell him it's not working for you and he needs to use the money to fund his own car.

Are the rest of your finances fair? The hospital example is more than just about the car. It's about kindness and looking after you when you need it. Is he a taker?


WatchingFromTheWings · 15/06/2017 15:29

I'd stop him using it and let him buy his own.


Iflyaway · 15/06/2017 15:30

Why are you letting him walk all over you like this?

I wouldn't be with a man who is that selfish.

As for lending YOUR car out to a virtual stranger, words fail me. He sounds very entitled.


MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2017 15:31

It's your car. If he doesn't share nicely then it goes back to being just your car.

Is he a good partner in other ways?


LakieLady · 15/06/2017 15:31

YANBU. His "car money" should go into the joint a/c and be used for car hire or taxis when you both need a car.


StormTreader · 15/06/2017 15:31

Its gone from "your car" to "our car" to "my car".
You need to take the keys back and tell him to get his own.


IWantACheeseburger · 15/06/2017 15:33

LTB. He sounds like twat.


DarthMaiden · 15/06/2017 15:34


He's currently having all the benefit of a car at his disposal plus the allowance and mileage expenses from work.

You on the other hand are paying for 50% of a car that you seemly have very little access to.

Either this imbalance needs to be addressed (both financially and wrt to access to the car) or he needs to buy his own car.

Personally it sounds like the latter is the best approach as it sounds like you have reached a point where you really need 2 cars.


ImperialBlether · 15/06/2017 15:34

I think you should reconsider your relationship with this selfish man who would let you walk home from hospital rather than let you drive your own car! He is dreadful. Why are you with someone like that?


DarthMaiden · 15/06/2017 15:36

Actually re-reading your post I think you should keep the car and ditch the OH.

He sounds like a really selfish bastard tbh.


Nikephorus · 15/06/2017 15:36

Take the keys back (and preferably the house keys too). It's your sodding car!


VeryButchyRestingFace · 15/06/2017 15:36

Now you've told us your OH's good points, OP, what are his bad points? Grin


user1497535565 · 15/06/2017 15:39

Thank you for all of your messages, when I said that I was angry that he had offered my car to someone else, he said that he knew I would respond like that and it was because I wasn't a nice person. It has made me really question myself and what I am doing for months but now reading your comments I feel that actually, perhaps I am not in the wrong after all.

He isn't a bad person, he is just very blinkered as to how his actions are perceived and that I am automatically the one in the wrong. I think I need to start standing up to him.

OP posts:

Mehfruittea · 15/06/2017 15:41

He thinks it's his car. You need to put a stop to that. Don't ask for, or take, the money. It will continue to be an unfair arrangement. He needs to buy/lease his own car.

Btw he can't be seen being picked up at work by you, they are paying for him to have a car and are expecting him to use the money to fund one. That's why he needs to be seen as the driver of yours.


SpringTown46 · 15/06/2017 15:41

No, he's a person who is taking the piss, big-time.


Ceebs85 · 15/06/2017 15:42

He sounds like a total dick. Entitled, selfish and completely uncaring. It extends further than a car though doesn't it this just highlights his horrible attitude.

If you want to be with him and there's other good enough reason to stay you need to claim back 100% ownership of the car x


FrenchJunebug · 15/06/2017 15:45

I would hide the keys to the car and get him to buy himself one.


MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2017 15:46

He isn't a bad person. And yet he sounds just like one.


arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2017 15:49

Can you afford to pay for the car on your own?
If so, do so, and tell him he'll need to sort his own car out, as your circumstances seem such that you need two cars.


chocomochi · 15/06/2017 15:49

Remove him from the insurance and tell him he can't drive it as he's not insured.


lalaloopyhead · 15/06/2017 15:50

I was all set to say yabu, why would you charge an OH to use your car - but after reading whole of OP I just think yabu to accept this behaviour. You OH comes across from your post as a complete and utter knob with no regard for you whatsoever!

I could understand the blinkered attitude to a certain extent, if he just isn't getting it about your car but the comments about you being not a nice person is just downright unkind. Do you both provide to the household income and split costs etc? I honestly cannot understand why he feels he can claim ownership of your car, and I think you need to sit him down and spell it out.


DJBaggySmalls · 15/06/2017 15:50

he said that he knew I would respond like that and it was because I wasn't a nice person.

A good person would not treat anyone else like this. Have you heard of 'negging'? Its a way of controlling you, and it seems to be working out for him.


mytitshaveshrunk · 15/06/2017 15:52

Is it just me that thinks he's having an affair with the woman he lent the car to?


ImperialBlether · 15/06/2017 15:52

I'd be on the look out for that woman he gave your car to. He's prioritising her over you. Does he have mentionitis?

I don't think having a word with someone like this makes much difference. He's totally selfish - he won't become less selfish because you've had a word!

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