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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

212 replies

user1497535565 · 15/06/2017 15:23

I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2017 16:39

Did he actually lend the car/camping stuff or just offer? Does he help himself to anything else of yours?

PersianCatLady · 15/06/2017 16:40

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread yet but why doesn't he just use his car allowance to lease or buy a car??

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 15/06/2017 16:41

Take him off the insurance and tell him to use his car allowance to buy/lease a car - then he can do what he likes with it. And while you are at it, tell him if he doesn't stop loaning your stuff out without your permission you will start doing the same to him! Totally ridiculous to say someone can loan your car and your camping gear without asking. It sounds like he is puts his colleagues needs over yours.

Raspberriesaretheonlyfruit · 15/06/2017 16:41

Full agreement . Knob.

It's your car. He pays to use it. But it's still yours and he needs to use it accordingly.

I bet when he gets his own car he " claims" the best space with the parking permit too.

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2017 16:43

He sounds like a right piece of work.

If he is getting so much allowance for a car, then presumably he needs a car to do his job, so point him in the direction of Auto Trader.

And get your car key back from him. In fact, put a lock on the steering wheel and don't let him have the key.

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2017 16:43

Oh come on, OP, this man isn't someone ANYONE could live with!

Pack up your car and move out before he gives that woman the password to your online bank account!

Bestseller2017 · 15/06/2017 16:43

Tell him that you are lending your car to a work colleague that weekend he is going to the wedding so he won't be able to use it and you thought he wouldn't mind.

StormTreader · 15/06/2017 16:44

Theres a world of difference between saying he'd be fine with it, and you actually doing it.

I say tell him youve lent it to a random friend of yours for a month, preferably male, single, and someone he doesnt know that well, and see what his reaction is.

RoseTico · 15/06/2017 16:44

Ah, he's the absolutely-lovely-to-everyone-except-his-actual-partner guy.

Your car is your car. It's not his. He can use all the money he's saved and buy one for himself. Your stuff is your stuff. If he wants to give people expensive camping equipment for the summer he can go and lease some. How often does he actually put himself out? It seems he is very very generous indeed - but with your possessions...

expatinscotland · 15/06/2017 16:44

WTF is wrong with you, that your boundaries are so low you allow someone to fuck you over, pocket £8k a year on you and offer up your things without so much as a by-your-leave, then tell you that you are not nice? And you are only 'annoyed'? 'I need to stand up to him.' No, you need to bin him off! Take him off hte insurance now, hide the fucking keys and tell him to get his own car that he's paid to do. Where is your camping gear? This woman is not 'lovely', anyone who takes such things without asking the owner permission is a dick.

Get some self-respect!

cakecakecheese · 15/06/2017 16:45

What? He takes YOUR car so at you can't get to a hospital appt, he lends YOUR car to someone without permission, he doesn't give you the money he's getting for it, yet you're not a nice person??

Reading this back do you really think you're being unreasonable? The fact that you've even had to ask this is a bit worrying, has he really twisted your perspective that much?

Chloe84 · 15/06/2017 16:48

What have you decided to do, OP?

category12 · 15/06/2017 16:51

OP, it doesn't really matter if he's not having an affair with this woman, he puts her wants above your needs and treats your property not as shared, but as his.

It's shit that he would let you struggle when you have hospital appointments.
It's shit that he expects his convenience to be more important than yours at all times.
it's shit that he shuts your perfectly reasonable protests down claiming you're a horrible person. You're not.

It'll just get worse. This is early days living together and he's absolutely taking the piss.

If it's simply "taking you for granted" rather than abuse, it's still shit.

Stand up for yourself and make some changes or better yet dtmfa.

SquinkiesRule · 15/06/2017 16:52

OMG woman, he's a complete dick.
He's only in for what he can get, you need to take back control of your stuff and get rid of him.

cabbage67 · 15/06/2017 16:54

I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful.

I agree with a PP that he does fancy her, and although they might be 'just friends' at the moment, it won't be long before they're something more.

That aside, how can you let him walk all over you like this?

Starfish28 · 15/06/2017 16:57

I'm sorry nothing you have posted has made me think he his a decent human being. He sounds controlling and gas-lighting you over the car - limiting you from visiting friends, refusing to pick you up from the hospital. You own your flat and the car. Take back control and remove him from the insurance. I try and live as green as possible but he is forcing you to do this. Stand up to him and start thinking carefully about what you want from a relationship and why you are accepting such sub-standard behaviour?

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/06/2017 16:57

when I turned the question on him whether he would be happy if I told one of my colleagues at work that they could use his car, he said that would be fine

To quote Mandy Rice Davies..."Well he would say that wouldnt he?"

He knows that it will never come up so his attitude of "it would be fine" is never going to be tested. What your is his and whats his is his, and that is how it will always be and worse......can you imagine his attitude if you had to stop working for health reasons or because you were on maternity leave? Do you think he would cover everything or would he expect you to still pony up 50% despite having little or no income?

Why are you putting up with this shit, does he have a solid gold cock?

Starfish28 · 15/06/2017 16:59

NeedATrim · 15/06/2017 16:59

I assume you have little self esteem and confidence, OP.

You are with a greedy user. He'll take the piss more and more over time because you are allowing it. So, you must either get really fucking steely and put a stop to this business right away or, because you can't assert yourself take it from me, you'll be even more miserable the further into the relationship you both go - no improvements just a load of ball ache that you are supposed to just put up and shut up with.

Will you be actually doing anything about this OP, or are you just wanting a winge and sympathetic ear?

Starfish28 · 15/06/2017 17:00

Opps managed to post twice. sorry about that

SweetLuck · 15/06/2017 17:02

You are being a bit of a doormat here. The fact that you doubt yourself is a worry.

If he says that you are not a nice person then you need to counter with 'well why are you with me then?' Clue: he doesn't think you're not nice, he is just saying this to get what he wants.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 15/06/2017 17:05

Is it just to this woman he offers your things or other people in general op? You said you met her and she is nice but you realise this does not mean they aren't having an affair or at the very least he is prioritising her feelings over yours so he either has feelings for her or a deep desire to be Mr. Popular with other people's belongings, either way it's not great is it

donajimena · 15/06/2017 17:05

Time to put on your big girl pants OP. Tell him to fuck off and book a nice campsite. I hope you still have your camping gear. If so I'd be hiding it until you can get his sorry arse out of your house.

SweetLuck · 15/06/2017 17:05

You have t let her have the camping gear have you? You are allowed to say 'Sorry, he shouldn't have offered that as I will be using it over the summer. Can I have it back please?'

Yes, this will make him look bad, but so what!?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2017 17:07

OK, maybe he's not a 'bad' person, as in evil. But he certainly is a selfish, self-centred one. And a manipulative one to boot.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship that can't be provided by a Rampant Rabbit? He's selfish, he controls your access to your own vehicle, he makes free with loaning your possessions to other people. As as far as him saying 'I wouldn't have a problem with it' that's very easy to say when you know there's not a possibility of it happening.

I think you should seriously start thinking about moving out. You'll never change him and you're going to end up as a second class citizen in every aspect of your relationship.

Do you work? Are there children involved?

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