To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

[user1497535565]

Hi

I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

[HeddaGarbled]

I would hide the keys to the car Yep - me too. Take your keys back and he'll have to ask you any time he wants to borrow your car.

[luckylucky24]

Sounds like it is time for him to use some of that money he is getting to buy himself a car. He is being a prick.

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

I think he now regards it as a shared car, as much his as yours. If you also need it for work, that isn't going to work. He needs to get his own car and damn the expense. Such is life.

[lornathewizzard]

I actually don't understand why he doesn't get his own car when his work are paying for one and you clearly need yours. He's just seeing this as extra money for him. Which is shit

[steppemum]

remove him from the insurance and tell him that unfortunately the new insurance with him on it was too expensive so you have chosen a new one and he isn't on it any more.

When he asks how much more, tell him £700 per month, plus the removing of his priority claim on the car.
Wait for penny to drop.
Suggest he buys his own car, car sharing is not working for you.

[Charley50]

He sounds like a total arsehole honestly. My impartial advice is really LTB.

[user1497535565]

Everything is 50/50. We both put half in to everything so it has started to annoy me that he is getting double the benefit from my car (use and money) whereas I am paying for a car that I cannot use. I just feel awful about getting two cars when we live in a permit parking area and I try to be as green as possible.

I had the car and my own flat before I met him and afforded both without any help.

[notomatoes]

when I said that I was angry that he had offered my car to someone else, he said that he knew I would respond like that and it was because I wasn't a nice person



Why is he with you if he doesn't think you are a nice person?

More importantly, why are you with someone who is so selfish and actively trying to profit from you?

[MikeUniformMike]

OP. You don't have a car. He has one.
If the car is in your name, sell it. You will go from not having a car to not having a car.

[KurriKurri]

Tell him he needs to get his own car because he is not capable of sharing yours, He does not understand the meaning of the word sharing.

He should be sharing the cost - he isn't even though he is getting an allowance for it.

He should be sharing the use - he isn't he is 'letting' you use it only when he doesn't want to, if he does want to, you have to be inconvenienced or use public transport.

The only person he has shared your car with is some random woman at his work - you are apparently not a nice person because you won't share with a complete stranger, but he doesn't see that he is a horrible person because he wont share your car with you.

Sharing your vehicle was a privilege you allowed him, he's abused the privilege, so it gets taken away.

He can walk/cycle/get his own car/use public transport/fuck off*

*delete as applicable

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

He using your car, which you're paying for, to make money on mileage. Why haven't you told him to stop being such an entitled twat?

Take your keys back, remove him from the insurance, and tell him if he can't understand why you're upset about it then that's his problem. My guess is that he completely understands, he just doesnt care

[VeryButchyRestingFace]

I'd be on the look out for that woman he gave your car to. He's prioritising her over you. Does he have mentionitis?

Note also that he wouldn't allow the ol' ball and chain to pick him up from work.

How is he about the remote, OP?

[BeepBeepMOVE]

This is so beyond him just not sharing the car nicely. He is treating you like a doormat. Horrible man! Sounds like a massive knobhead user.

He's getting maybe £8k a year to inconvenience you.

[DarthMaiden]

mytits that thought crossed my mind also.

He's not prepared to put himself out wrt the OP re car usage but is happy to lend it to another woman.

When pressed his reaction is classic attack being the best form of defence and gaslighting the OP into thinking she's in the wrong....reads just like the script.

OP - he's not a nice person. He's a user and has made very clear where you come on his list of priorities right next to the shit on the sole of his shoe.

Yes you need to stand up to him. Start by packing his bags.....

[steppemum]

Can I just say, this is really an indication of a deeper attitude and I would be looking at why he doesn't treat you as an equal, and is so nasty about you (you are not a nice person ffs!)

[CatsAndCandles]

I can't get my head around him trying to lend your car to someone else and then saying you're not a nice person. Actually, come to think of it, he sounds like an ex of mine who, in hindsight, I'm sure had Aspergers (which I didn't know about at the time, but now do). I remember being on a plane with him and him saying something similar to me - I'd asked for a blanket cos I was freezing and then they ran out. He said he was shocked at how selfish I was not giving it to someone else. It made no sense. He wasn't a bad person either, just really difficult to be with.

[VeryButchyRestingFace]

Is it just me that thinks he's having an affair with the woman he lent the car to?

She probably doesn't know he's got someone at home. As a way to ingratiate himself with this "friend", he's told her she can borrow his car anytime, anywhere, anytime, etc.

Except, whoops!, his legit girlfriend has gone and put a spanner in the works by having the temerity to try and get access to her own car once in a while.

[noenergy]

That would really anger and annoy me.

Especially the hospital appointment and lending out of the car. I can't be at home all day without a car. It does my head in. Never mind having to go to work. I leave hubby into work when we r down to 1 car between us.

Get him to get his own car. He really doesn't sound like a nice person.

[BangkokBlues]

he said that he knew I would respond like that and it was because I wasn't a nice person

Wow.

Wow wow wow.

He is not a nice person. It is easy to be generous with something when it isn't actually yours eh?!?

It is fundamentally unfair that you pay 50% of the costs of his work trips and his work pay him 100% of the mileage allowance. He is making loads of money off you!

If you do think he is a good person and not a total arse wipe like he is coming across as... then say the car sharing isn't working for you any more and he needs to sort his own car out, effective as of next month.

[TheSeaPriestess]

I have to admit I thought that about the woman he lent the car to as well!

Either way he's behaving like a selfish arse OP. It's ok to stand up for yours and tell him to sod off.

[Hidingtonothing]

No, you're not in the wrong here at all OP and yes, you do need to start standing up to him. I find it worrying that you're 'always in the wrong' too, why are you with someone so arrogant blinkered that he doesn't consider how his actions might be perceived? Telling you you're 'not a nice person' because you won't be walked all over is a red flag too.

I agree with PP's, you need to take back your car and leave him to sort himself out, sharing can't work when one person is as selfish and proprietary over the shared item as he is. Can you cover what the car costs without him contributing?

[BangkokBlues]

Is this random women (the one he is clearly having an affair with or wants to) even insured on the car???

[donajimena]

He's not a nice person. Fuck that for a laugh. Stop being such a doormat.

[anothermalteserplease]

He needs to use his car allowance to buy a car if he needs one. Currently it seems you'd be better selling your car because you're getting no benefits from owning it. Take the car keys tonight and tell him the car situation is not working out and therefore you'll pay for it but he doesn't use it.

[Bestseller2017]

I can't believe how he has 'acquired' your car. He is acting like it is his and you have a cheek asking to use it. How come he is using it for a wedding and leaving you without your own car?

Just tell him it's not working out. Personally I wouldn't want to be with him at all.