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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

212 replies

user1497535565 · 15/06/2017 15:23

I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2017 17:08

And others are right. He may not be sleeping with this colleague. But he certainly wants to!

Cromwell1536 · 15/06/2017 17:09

So, OP, what are you going to do? You 've come here and asked for advice, you've got lots. If you're struggling to put things into action, I've seen very useful threads on here before with scripts and action points. Practical stuff.

For a start, I would just take and hide the keys - really deeply hidden - and take him off the insurance. Take back your own car which you have worked and paid for. Don't provide any warning, he'll probably deliberately fuck up the car than relinquish it. Don't give him a chance to get back in it. And keep saying calmly, "No, the sharing arrangement wasn't working out for me. I haven't been able to use my own car, even though I'm paying for everything. No, I don't suppose you do think it particularly nice of me, but I don't really care. "

That camping equipment hasn't left your house yet has it? It had better not! As others have said, you need to erect some boundaries OP, and fast!

Cromwell1536 · 15/06/2017 17:11

Actually, do you have a friend to whom you could drive the car and keep it for a while? While you sort this crap out?

EezerGoode · 15/06/2017 17:12

Your being used and walked all over,can't you see that?

LuxuryWoman2017 · 15/06/2017 17:14

Stick with this guy and you can look forward to years of this kind of resentment.

I don't know why you are allowing him to behave this way but you don't have to put up with it.

CiliatedEpithelium · 15/06/2017 17:15

Your response to his arsholiness is normal OP. YANBU. He is a self centred selfish bellend on the other hand. I would take the car key off him and the house key and would get him the fuck out of my life just for loaning my camping equipment. I don't think any camping equipment ever has been loaned without damage, losses or the whole lot coming back caked in cow shit or mud.

ComedyofTerrors · 15/06/2017 17:18

It's coming up to the weekend, why don't you tell him that he either buys the car from you by Sunday night, after all he's putting all the mileage on it and causing all the wear and tear, or he buys himself a car. You will be taking him off the insurance as from Sunday night and you will be reporting it stolen if he takes it after that.

He is being paid a minimum of £7500 a year to wreck your car and refuse to let you use it, let alone lending it to someone else who is probably not insured for it and he refuses to pay you anything towards it.

Do you really get anything out of this relationship? Maybe it's time to end it.

AdalindSchade · 15/06/2017 17:20

Bloody hell. Where is your self respect?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2017 17:20

Oh, someone above mentioned about getting the car re-keyed.

If you have a regular 'key only' ignition it's not very expensive. They pop out a cylinder and pop in a new one. But if you have an electronic ignition ('smart key', push button ,and/or key fob) it's bloody expensive!

magoria · 15/06/2017 17:21

FGS get a back bone.

Look at how shitty he is treating you over letting you use your own car.

Take the keys off of him. Tell him he is a selfish knob, he is no longer on your insurance and you do not give him any right to use your car.

Also if your camping gear is still in the house tell him you will be using it and he can by this friend some kit or tell her to get her own.

HmmOkay · 15/06/2017 17:22

"We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine".

Look at that statement. The starting premise was that he was automatically taking over your car. No question about that. That outcome was assumed by you both at the very start without even talking about it.

The only discussion was around the hire car that he very kindly decided that you should have while he had the convenience of your car parked outside all the time.

If you actually go back to the start, of course he didn't have to use your car for his job AT ALL. He just chose to because it was the least hassle option for him that benefits him financially. And the most hassle option for you that also penalises you financially.

He is well aware that you are completely disadvantaged by this arrangement that benefits him only. And he is happy about that because you don't matter. That's what it comes down to.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2017 17:24

He has a car allowance, he needs to use that to get his own car as the current arrangement isn't working.

woodhill · 15/06/2017 17:25

He needs to buy his own car. End of,

Workhatonforthis · 15/06/2017 17:27

IIRC, when I received a car allowance in a previous job, I had to give my employer details of the car involved. He has possibly given his company the details of your car, therefore needs to be seen as owner of that vehicle.
Tell him to buy his own car (and find his own flat/house while he's at it).

C0untDucku1a · 15/06/2017 17:27

He is a twat. Dump him.

If not, 'this areanement with the car is no longer working for me. You need to get your own. In the meantime, you need to make itger arrangements.'

DarthMaiden · 15/06/2017 17:27

It gets worse with every post.

WAKE THE HELL UP OP.....

At what point do you think you would say "that's enough" ....when he moved his friend into your home? When he's given her the contents of your bank account? What about your favourite dress/handbag?

This dynamic is NOT normal. My DH wouldn't even think about lending so much as a tee shirt of mine without permission. Why? He respects me and my things. Frankly he wouldn't lend joint assets without discussing it with me first and vice versa.

For the love of god find your backbone and ditch this bastard

nocampinghere · 15/06/2017 17:28

Here's my first mumsnet LTB.

ps definitely something weird going on offering your car/camping gear to a colleague.

you are right - you pay for half a car which you don't have access to.

he's thoughtless / doesn't care about you (hospital appt)
he's making you doubt yourself "you're not a nice person"

seriously, why are you with him? imagine your life a few years down the line with young children. He doesn't sound like much of a team player to me. Get out now. He's shown his true colours.

category12 · 15/06/2017 17:29

"We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine".

As HmmOkay says - you were wrong-footed from the start. He should have been the one hiring a car for his work trips away, leaving you, (the owner of your car) with your car to use as you need. Not him loading on mileage and wear n tear on your domestic car, for his commercial travel.

steppemum · 15/06/2017 17:29

I'm with HmmOkay over the car hire.
If he needed a car for work trips, why didn't he, or his work hire a car?
Why did he take YOUR car, and then assume you had to hire one?

He has this backwards, he has no consideration for your stuff at all.
The camping stuff illustrates that.

What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine I'm afraid.
It is fundamental lack of respect.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/06/2017 17:30

If you're not a nice person then best you save him and leave.

He's treating you like shit. You'd be stupid to carry on with him. He's horrible.

llangennith · 15/06/2017 17:31

Nothing to add to all the other posts except to tell you to find a nicer boyfriend who won't walk all over you.

onesimplemistake · 15/06/2017 17:31

Havent read anything except the OP but all I can say is please get this man out of your life. I hope you are not married or have DC together. He sounds horrible.

user1495915742 · 15/06/2017 17:32

I can't actually believe you have come on here to ask if YABU.

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he was with me he wouldn't be using it. In fact, he would have moved out by now.

paddypants13 · 15/06/2017 17:32

Take him off the insurance so he can't drive it. He is absolutely being a knob.

My dad wrote off his car years ago so he "shared" mine. I found he would take it without checking or sulk if I said he couldn't use it. I politely reminded him that it was my car paid for entirely by me and he backed off.

LumelaMme · 15/06/2017 17:34

Not so much a case of 'What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine' as 'What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.'

His behaviour is shockingly selfish. I think you need to tell him so.

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