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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

212 replies

user1497535565 · 15/06/2017 15:23

Hi

I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Fitzsimmons · 15/06/2017 20:02

Re-read your comments as if you were listening to a friend OP, then ask yourself what would you tell that friend to do? Be a friend to yourself and remove the deadweight Flowers

Mummmy2017 · 15/06/2017 20:07

Tell your partner he owes you X times £350 for use of the car since he has been reimbersed by his company and that he AGREED this and if he won't pay he is SELFISH, and you would like him instead to buy his own car, and pay for his own permit.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2017 20:13

A talk? A TALK? NO, the time for talking is over. He hasn't been 'walking over you', he has thrown you to the floor and is doing a flamenco dance all over you!

Are you able to leave? I mean financially and 'lease-wise'?

Pollaidh · 15/06/2017 20:15

You're in the right about the car.

But you may have bigger issues than his selfishness/tightness. Can't believe he didn't help you with the hospital trip and injured foot. When I was in my twenties I had a bad kidney infection and could barely stagger , let along walk to the doctors. Boyfriend of the time basically couldn't be arsed to give me a lift in his car (I didn't have a car). I dumped him because that told me rather a lot about his personality.

ExplodedCloud · 15/06/2017 20:22

I reckon pp are right. He's told work it's his car. They may even have required him to give details for insurance through them. Either way it may be expected that colleagues could use 'his' car for company stuff. So he needs to maintain the story to keep up appearances and his allowance.
He's not a keeper so you might as well get rid asap.

Motherbear26 · 15/06/2017 20:24

Ok so, I know I'm repeating everything that has already been said but quite frankly, this needs repeating until it actually sinks in. This man lends your things out without asking your permission. He moves some woman in against your wishes. He takes your car and doesn't give you the money you are owed for it. Aside from the fact he is a complete and utter loser, he is stealing from you for God's sake! He seems to prioritise every other random over you. He may have warped your thinking with his gaslighting and blatant cheek but we've put you straight now. You need to get rid of him. This will not get any better. The whole situation is toxic. This guy is laughing at you, as are his lady friends. Please stop this now, you deserve so much more.Flowers

JustGettingStarted · 15/06/2017 20:45

I don't think the talk will achieve anything unless it ends with him moving out.

Motherbear26 · 15/06/2017 20:45

Apologies OP, I think I've been a bit harsh on you. This isn't your fault, he's obviously adept at making you question yourself. It's easy for us to see from the outside looking in. Him saying that you are not a nice person because you don't want to lend your things to a stranger is completely absurd but it's obviously become the norm for you. I just want to reiterate, none of this is normal. This whole situation is toxic and most women would have already walked away. Don't let him twist this any more. He is completely in the wrong.

AyeAmarok · 15/06/2017 20:51

You can do better, OP.

Why are you letting yourself be treated with such contempt?

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2017 21:06

He sounds great OP. You stick with him

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 15/06/2017 21:12

I hope you are being sarcastic Ursula , it seems to me that OP's self esteem is so rock bottom they might agree with you.

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2017 21:15

I was deleted up thread for saying what I really think.

But I'm not sure I need you to monitor me.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/06/2017 21:27

Well....he saw you coming didn't he?

He KNOWS he's taking the piss out of you - he just doesn't care.
He obviously knows you will let him walk all over you.
He's using you - and you can't see it.

Take him off the car and he can use public transport or hire a car for himself.
If you're not working at the moment then you shouldn't be paying 50/50.
A more sensible way of splitting the finances is proportionally to what you earn....so you each then have enough disposal income to live on.

Stop being a mug OP.

ComedyofTerrors · 15/06/2017 22:02

OP, I so hope you've spent all afternoon packing his stuff up, but I have a horrible feeling you haven't.

What next? He hands the contents of your bank account over to his 'work colleague'.

Please, take back the car, give him a bill for everything of yours he's 'lent' to people and not bothered to get back and give him his marching orders. He has enough money saved from what he's been paid for using your car to be able to get a hotel or another flat.

Block his number and change the locks and start getting your life back.

In a few weeks time when you have some self esteem and confidence back you will be a totally different person.

myusernamewastaken · 15/06/2017 22:15

This post has got to be a wind up surely....no one in their right mind would let themselves be treated like this !!!

Siwdmae · 15/06/2017 22:18

Your car? Take the keys back, no is a complete sentence.

Your flat? Take the keys back.

Why has he offered your camping gear for the whole summer? Surely she's not going away for months?

Stop being a bloody doormat!

trufflecake · 15/06/2017 22:29

Hey, be kind to the OP.

She came for help not to be berated by strangers.

Hope you are OK OP, and you take care of yourself. Please remember that there are some people just cannot be reasoned with, so in these cases talking is futile.

And will be worse than futile if he is successful at undermining you again.

Be strong OP. He is clearly not a nice person to you and thta is all that counts x

Meowstro · 16/06/2017 05:09

How did it go, OP? Are you OK?

TitaniasCloset · 16/06/2017 05:28

I'm hoping op will come back and tell us she kicked him out.

BrevilleTron · 16/06/2017 06:54

Hi OP I hope you are okay. I really think you need to reclaim your car. It's not just a car it is a badge of independence!
I share my car with DP but I know if I needed her (Yes it has a name 😋) he'd instantly say yes.
We give each other priority and share all the running costs. DP does plan to get his own because ours is tiny but I'd be confident we'd do the same.

Our car was our little haven when we went bird watching on holiday.

It shouldn't be a source of irritation in your relationship. You deserve better. A LOT better.
Take it back give it a name make it yours again. You can (I've done it and yes it's hard but so worth it!)
Is there a crap boyfriend Scrappage Scheme??

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 16/06/2017 07:18

..

RebootYourEngine · 16/06/2017 08:02

Just read this and hope OP has kicked the abusive cunt out.

Rossigigi · 16/06/2017 08:21

Tell him to buy his own car!

Nikephorus · 16/06/2017 10:30

And he did move another girl in, without asking me. I protested and she left but stayed on and off for a few weeks.

Yes he has lent things to other people (things of mine) that I protested about and then never got back.
Please tell me that the talk involved the following;

  • telling him you were finishing the "relationship"
  • telling him his bags were packed and by the door
  • a detailed explanation of what a sad loser he is
At a push I'd accept just the first two points with the door slamming behind him. That's not a loving equal relationship, it's a doormat and a controlling piece of excrement.
Unicorn81 · 16/06/2017 11:38

Tell him to buy his own car and take him off your insurance. I hate anyone using my car and bought a cheap car for my dp so he doesnt use mine.