To be annoyed that OH uses my car and doesn't pay me

[user1497535565]

Hi

I need some impartial advice on whether I am being unreasonable.

My OH and I moved in together a year ago and we 'share' my car. We pay for the car out of the joint account which was fine until a couple of months ago when he was given a car allowance by his employer. We agreed that as he would have to use 'my' car for work trips he would hire me a car for the day while he took mine.

I then realised that he was going on work trips but either not claiming the mileage (which I paid half of) or it was going into his sole account with the rest of the expenses. I asked him to start paying it into the joint account and he agreed but have never seen any evidence.

Since then, he has become possessive of the car and prioritises himself over me. For example, I had a hospital appointment and he made a big song and dance about having to take the afternoon off work so we could share lifts as he refused to let me pick him up from work afterwards and then when we got to the hospital he mentioned casually that he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had booked a teleconference for when he got in (given that I was going into hospital to find out whether I needed an operation on my foot and the hospital is a 40-50 minute walk from home, I was understandably angry).

So recently, he now goes out to play sports after work (I'm on study leave so not currently working) and he won't get home till late and I can't see friends, I can't go shopping during the day and I feel like a prisoner in my own home when I have a car but I just can't use it. He has also been invited to a wedding in August which is on a Thursday quite a long way away and he has decided that although I will be at work he should have the car to get to the wedding and I should get a taxi to and from work (an hour each way) for two days. He can't understand that I think this is unfair.

Given all of this, it has made me start to think, is it fair that he is being paid to use my car and I don't see any of this money? He gets 650-700 a month which he saves and which, if it weren't for me, he would not have. I feel that he should pay me half of this money. He refuses to do anything admin related to the car, I have to do the insurance, book all the garages etc. and then he moans so much about the price I have to find cheaper garages and then he moans because he doesn't like the ones I have picked. I feel he is being extremely ungrateful when I am giving him a gift that most people would jump at.

Oh and another thing he did with my car was offer it to his friend so she could drive to work. A friend that I barely knew and before he had spoken to me about it. He then said I wasn't a nice person because I was furious that he had offered my car to someone I didn't know so she could a) drive to work b) drive to clients all around the country in my car (when I need it to get to and from work).

Am I being unreasonable?

[Meowstro]

I don't know what your relationship is like but from things you have stated it sounds like he's a very selfish person with a nasty streak to say it's because you aren't very nice and throw strips over this. I'd be wary of this person he's let borrow your car too, it's a classic sign he's wanting you to question yourself so you don't think about that fact.

If he can't share nicely, it doesn't get shared and it really is as simple as that. Take away the keys.

Or the alternative is to demand the allowance money for the next couple of months and keep it in a separate account then use it to buy another car. However, can you be sure he actually does or is meant to receive an allowance from work or he's used it as an excuse to take your car?

Personally, I'd let the tight git get a bus and forego the allowance money all together. It really isn't your problem, it's yours not his which I only say because he's clearly got possessive about this which is the problem.

[StormTreader]

I can help you out with a translation:
"not a nice person" = "youre not doing what I want".

Do you tend to go out of your way to be a "nice person"? Youve let him push you way way too far away from being an equal in this relationship, and I'm wondering if hes done that by constantly accusing you of being "a horrible person" when you try and speak up for yourself on anything.

If youre very concerned about the green/permit issue, maybe you should just sell your car? After all, hes always saying how expensive it is, and youve basically managed without it for the last 6 months anyway!

[Questioningeverything]

Wow. Ltb he's a gaslighting arsehole. It's your possession not his. Stop him using it today, his transport is his problem

[scoobydooagain]

My ex used my car and would guilt trip me if I wanted to use it, should have dumped him then. It was just the start of him being an abusive arse, get your car back and if he reacts badly to your perfectly reasonable request to use your own car, get rid of him

[Guiltypleasures001]

Look in the mirror op

Look real close see those words they spell MUG

Blinkered my arse really? He wanted to leave you at the hospital and fuck off somewhere else, says he booked a conference call yeah right, he could,have taken that on his mobile n a quiet area.

He's having you over, and agree about the possibility of another woman, he's also gas lighting you
Your a horrible person he says, because some complete stranger isn't allowed to drive your car completely free.

Pack his shit and hide the car keys, make the fucker get a cab to a hotel, seriously up your boundaries
Lovely they are none existent

[Tazerface]

I think we all know who the 'not nice' person is in this scenario.

You need to tell him OP that he needs his own car. Or just split up with him. He sounds like a right cunt.

[OnTheRise]

He's treating you very badly. I think you'd be better to claim back all your car, and get rid of him.

Take the keys back from him ASAP. Tell him the arrangement is no longer working for you, and he should use the car allowance he gets paid to sort out his own car. If he says you're not a nice person, listen to what he's telling you about himself.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. What a very unpleasant man he is.

[thethoughtfox]

Side issue but no one offers use of their/ family car to people from work.

[Delilah21D00LoT]

YANBU and he is a complete berk.
He has absolutely NO respect for you whatsoever and is quite literally using you - you, are being taken for a ride!

Is this the type of Man you want to be in a relationship with? He is selfish, thoughtless and greedy!

That £650 Monthly money he gets - is that from his company to pay for car useage alone? (Or have I got that wrong?)
Because, he could use that money to lease a car long-term!

I'm sorry if I have spoken out of turn but he really is no good.

[Delilah21D00LoT]

Oh and I agree with 'thethoughtfox' - no one offers there 'better halfs' car to a 'Work Colleague'... that is totally fishy.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

he isn't a bad person yes he fucking is, he sounds like a nasty using prick actually

[MatildaTheCat]

1. Take him off the insurance.
   
2. Offer to sell him the car.
   

He is acting as if he owns the car so he deserves the opportunity to put his ( plentiful) money where his mouth is.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

"This isnt working. You get more than enough to get a brand new car on finance or lease, and I need mine so after this week I will be using my car and you will have to get yourself one"

He will kick off because he doesnt want his gravy train to end. The reaction you get will be the real him.....you are selfish, nasty, uncaring.....blah blah.

Or you could cut the crap and just dump the user.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Oh and he will threaten to lower his contributions to the joint account because you are selfishly making him pay for his own transport.

[Muumi3]

Is it possible to change the locks on a car?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If you tell him tonight that for the next couple of weeks you will need sole use of the car so he will need to get a hire car or taxis, what reaction would you expect?

[confuugled1]

What would he say if you said but you had already promised that a friend of yours could borrow the car when he said that his friend could borrow the car... bet he w ould think that his friend should get the car despite it being your car and that you would still be unreasonable to expect your friend to use it?

Hate being the one to raise this but how good a friend is the friend that your dp has offered to lend the car to - is there any reason for him to prioritise her over you - is he trying to impress her or do you think he could be having an affair with her?

[BBQsAreSooooOverrated]

He sounds like an arsehole. Tell him to buy himself a car.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I'm staggered by this.

And I'm sure there must be plenty of other dodgy things going on for you to even consider that you might be in the wrong.

But it's the drop drip drip of rudeness, dismissiveness, not-so-funny comments, little insults, barefaced requests that leave you gaping instead of sticking up for yourself.

Does he make you happy? Is he kind, supportive, thoughtful, generous, considerate? Does he make you feel good about yourself and hopeful for the future?

What if this is an enormous symbol of what you mean to each other and he's failing.

You deserve so much more.

[user1497535565]

I know there is nothing going on with the colleague and I have since got to know her and she is lovely, but the point still remains that I don't want anyone else having my car. He genuinely believes that he is in the right over this and when I turned the question on him whether he would be happy if I told one of my colleagues at work that they could use his car, he said that would be fine (hence my questioning myself).

Incidentally, after all this, he offered all my camping gear for the whole summer (meaning I couldn't go away this summer) to the same girl to borrow, again without asking me! I was again, annoyed which he didn't get.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He thinks he a right to your stuff and he bloody shouldn't. So it's not just about the car is it.

He's being awful to you.

[VeryButchyRestingFace]

Incidentally, after all this, he offered all my camping gear for the whole summer (meaning I couldn't go away this summer) to the same girl to borrow, again without asking me!

He fancies her, OP.

If he doesn't fancy her, his behaviour would be even weirder.

[picklemepopcorn]

I'm sorry, but this man doesn't care about how you feel. You can try and carry on, train him to ask you first, and challenge him whenever he takes the micky, or... Take the easier option.