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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

201 replies

Jellymuffin · 15/06/2017 07:26

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 15/06/2017 07:28

I have no sympathy for people with broken legs.

WaitrosePigeon · 15/06/2017 07:28

Yes you are.

OfficerVanHalen · 15/06/2017 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calyrical · 15/06/2017 07:29

I think many people will read the title and flame the OP.

Which is a shame.

YANBU to have no time for your mum OP Flowers

ICJump · 15/06/2017 07:29

Reading your post just makes we want to say fuck you.

Depression is disease.

ShinyGirl · 15/06/2017 07:29

Yes, and a bit of a goady fucker too.

HTH.

zeebeedee · 15/06/2017 07:30

some people thrive on making others unhappy or worried, this may or may not be a symptom of depression. YANBU to be fed up of this behaviour.

YABVU if you group everyone with depression in to this category, especially if you have suffered yourself.

LedaP · 15/06/2017 07:30

Its really difficult to grow up in a family where your immeadiate family have mental health issues.

Its exhausting and you can get to the point you are at. I grew up in that household and had depression myself. Because of my up bringing i was determind to at least try and help myself.

Unfortunately, depression makes helping yourself hard. But eventually there is nothing more the people around the person with depression can do.

Sirzy · 15/06/2017 07:31

Well aren't you lovely! Shock

YoureNotASausage · 15/06/2017 07:31

Not nice people can have depression too. I think your problem is with not nice people, not depression.

Original poster
Jellymuffin · 15/06/2017 07:31

I have pandered to her for years - she would threaten suicide if she wasn't getting her own way even when I was young. I worried and wrote letters begging her not to. I've arranged things to do and she just moans and bitches about the things behind my back. She's been particularly horrible about my second pregnancy and something just turned off. I literally am done facilitating her. So I'm a bad daughter. I get it. But it takes two to build a positive relationship and I'm fed up of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. It's exhausting!

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 15/06/2017 07:32

YABU. If you had any inkling of living with depression, how it affects every single thing you do and feel, you wouldn't just say what you've said.

Coddiwomple · 15/06/2017 07:32

You will be murdered on here, but I do sympathise with you, and YANBU

You need to protect yourself, and it's not fair if others refuse to take responsibility and help themselves. Manipulating others because you have "depression" is horrendous, it cheapens the problem for others who are really suffering.

You need to take care of yourself first, and enjoy your own family. Good luck, you are not a bad person!

KoalaDownUnder · 15/06/2017 07:32

Yes, YABU and horrible.

You can have no time for those particular people. To say you have no time for anyone with depression is pretty shit.

Original poster
Jellymuffin · 15/06/2017 07:33

Genuinely not goady. Just can't do it anymore for MY mental health.

OP posts:
AnthonyPandy · 15/06/2017 07:33

Unfortunately OP I do identify with your feelings. I don't want to identify with your feelings particularly as they're not nice but I do, so that's that.

Original poster
Jellymuffin · 15/06/2017 07:34

I obviously worded my title wrongly. I apologise. I have no time for my familiy's brand of depression anymore.

OP posts:
wowbutter · 15/06/2017 07:34

What you say they do doesn't sound like depression to me.
You need to respect and support them for their mental health issues, but not them being vile to you. That's not depression, that's them being awful.
I understand why you now feel this way about people with separation, but that isn't depression. and if it is how their depression manifests, they need to get help. It's not your responsibility to make them happy, or to fix them.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/06/2017 07:34

I think you should ask for your title to be amended.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/06/2017 07:34

Cross-posted with you: there you go.

Sunshineandeggshells · 15/06/2017 07:35

Yes you are BU if you have no sympathy for anyone with depression especially as you complain you didn't get any when you had postnatal depression yourself.

However it sounds like you family suffer from being not very nice people rather than from depression. They are perhaps using depression as an excuse to be horrid rather than actually having it themselves.

Jellybean85 · 15/06/2017 07:35

Although it's worded badly I think I understand your sentiment.

My mum has mental health problems including depression.

I know it's not her fault and would never blame her, I know she would choose another life in a heart beat

BUT

That doesn't mean it's incredibly hard to deal with me for me and my brother, it's exhausting,
Souls destroying and totally draining.
I nearly lost my job because she was calling me so often with tiny problems or complaints she thought were huge.
God knows there are days where I think I don't have time for this shit and want to crawl under my duvet
And hide.
Doesn't make me a crap daughter.

Part of helping someone with mental health issues is knowing exactly how much you are able to give without sacrificing yourself.

A fair few professionals have told me that and it's taken a long time for me to not feel guilty that I'm not doing more.

I'm sure at times my Mum thinks I'm a crap daughter because I don't drive over in the middle of the night for her problem, or I don't pick up call 46 that day.

I'm not, I give everything I can give and I've never given up.
You can give everything you have and it might not be enough for her. You're both right,
You've done your best, and for her it isn't enough.
That's sadly part of the condition Flowers

Toysaurus · 15/06/2017 07:36

So move away from your negative situation. Don't start cunty threads which will hurt and upset people. Depression fucking kills. Fake it til you make it wasn't the approach Camhs took with my suicidal six year old FFS.

Original poster
Jellymuffin · 15/06/2017 07:37

Fair enough. Will have this thread deleted.

OP posts:
fiorentina · 15/06/2017 07:38

They may be depressed but they also sound awful. You need to separate their personality defects from their mental illness.

Your mum sounds like the kind of person who is competitively ill. You were unwell with PND but she'd been worse.

I wouldn't say you'd be unfair if you reduced contact to help your own mental health.