AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

Ratatouille I'm not sure there have been many (any?) people on this thread that have been saying that people bring mh issues upon themselves. Nor have they been saying that no one should have any empathy for people with Mh issues.

Those that have empathy for the OP have been saying that mh issues don't give someone carte blanche to behave however they like. And that the OP has every right to put up boundaries to stop herself being manipulated by her family.

There seems a bit of a contradiction if OPs mother is constantly referring to her depression but then feeling too stigmatised to seek treatment. There may be other reasons people are unable to access treatment for depression: not feeling worthy enough to get better; feeling it is hopeless so no one can really help; not having the motivation to even get to the doctor. Stigma is not the only reason.

If the OPs mother is narcissistic, on the other hand, she will truly not see there is anything wrong with her behaviour, it's everyone else that is in the wrong, so why would she need to seek treatment. But the label of depression could be a useful tool to manipulate others. Surely you can see that's a possibility. It's a massive leap to infer from that, that we all think all people with depression are manipulative cunts unworthy of any empathy that should be abandoned immediately. Ok the OPs title was unfortunate but that doesn't mean she's unworthy of all empathy and I'm sure she doesn't really mean it anyway.

Yes Maria. Spot on, there is. Talking therapies have been showed to be as effective as psychoactive drugs with depression and anxiety. That evidence was the start of the improved access to psychological therapy initiative started by the Governmet

Maybe your title was a bit clunky but I see where you are coming from. I had a DP who always seemed depressed but never did anything about it. The only time it lifted was briefly when he dumped me, but it soon came back.
Many other people I knew at Uni - not sure if it was 'just' depression but they seemed similar - I am not in contact with most of them. I liked feeling wanted and useful but as time went by I just felt drained by them. Ironically, some people I know who where the most seriously depressed I am still friends with - they didn''t seem to need a banner to advertise that they WERE depressed.

Not sure that is helpful but I don't think depression makes you a douche unless you were one in the first place.

Unfortunately OP, this thread has (and I'm only on page 2 at the time of writing this) gone the way of all others which are focused on the people who deal with the sufferers of depression and anxiety. YANBU. I wish we could have a discussion about the effects on others but it never ends well

Ratatatouille

What the fuck is the matter with you?

Do you honestly think you are the depression whisperer or something? It's one of the most common and best understood mental illnesses and almost everyone on this thread has had so get over yourself. I've had depression, the OP's had depression, we don't need your overdramatic virtue signaling bs. How dare you suggest that the OP would be responsible for anyone's suicide? Seriously, shut up.

OP: your mother has a personality disorder. It has sweet fuck all to do with depression. Distance. Distance. Distance.

Also, note all the people on this thread with personality disorders. Note how they immediately lose it and start name calling and insulting you and then hide behind "depression" as a reason to ignore your pain or any context. That's not depression talking, that's a personality disorder talking.

Stay for away from people with personality disorders if you can help it.

OP: your mother has a personality disorder. It has sweet fuck all to do with depression. Distance. Distance. Distance.

This.

YANBU to run out of energy and sympathy after years of constantly empathizing, caring and having condition used as a weapon against you by people who are supposed to care about you.

This is at least as much about toxic behaviour as MH issues.

People don't understand exactly how messed up your whole psyche can be from this, and the effect it has when your whole life is enveloped by negativity and spite, but there is a complete "excuse" for it so none of it can ever be resolved, you have to just endlessly absorb it. It is hard enough for any of us as adults, for someone who has had this from parents it is a whole different thing. Then as you grow up with that baggage, how it feels when you are ill and your own parent just doesn't give a fuck despite the fact you have lain awake countless nights, interrupted countless days to make sure they are OK. When they demonstrate that they don't care about your kids at all, not even when they are born.

Frankly, it's not your fault, and it's OK if you decide that you, personally, will let the professionals deal with your family's MH issues. They will do a better job than you anyway, and frankly that is what they are there for.

Also, from now on notify their medical professionals if they tell you their condition is worsening, or if they allude to suicide. As I said this is probably more about toxic behaviour being excused than anything else, but it sounds like you have been made to feel responsible for it all for many years - it is time to ensure those problems go to the right people and you live your life.

(or social services if appropriate)

Deffo - I like your post, well balanced and thoughtful

Yanbu op I absolutely get where you are coming from. I grew up with someone who had depression and some sort of personality disorder. As a child I can't even begin to explain the damage and impact this had on everyone around them. As a result it has completely pushed me the other way. I have no Time for those going through it and yet won't do anything about it and just bloody selfishly inflict this on others.
This probably sounds horrid but I absolutely don't want to allow anyone to affect me more in my adulthood than it did my entire childhood.

I get you, it's very hard when your family have mental health issues,and your with it a lot.it can wear you down.

I've had two boyfriends with depression.

One used to threaten me with suicide when I wouldn't do what he wanted. The other used it as an excuse for domestic violence (and many other things).

As a result, I can't deal with people with depression. I am not denying the validity, extent or effects of their illness, but I can't have anything to do with it if I want good mental health.

Maybe they didn't have depression. Maybe they had depression and something else. I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't tell.

But I sympathise with you, OP.

One thing is for sure, there also has to be acknowledgement for people coping with a person with depression. Mutual respect and understanding would go a long way.

Thankyou to those that have been supportive, though I understand I did a rubbish job on the title. I had a breakdown in my teens and also fantasised about driving into a tree with PND - I didn't any support because it was about me not them. It's hard that my MH issues are trivial but theirs are massive and all consuming. I am living with anxiety having walked on eggshells with my family for years but I would get shouted down if i mentioned it and called a 'Sarah Bernhardt' or attention seeker (I was in a car collision once and left a distressed message on my mum's answer machine and she played it to all who visited). Genuinely it's not me playing MH tops trumps.

I agree. My sister ended up on anti-depessants because her husband had a nervous breakdown. The strain on my sister to look after her husband, as well her children and the worry of him being unable to work, was enormous. It should be acknowledged that MH issues impact on the wider family too. My brother in law's mental health problems caused him to show anger to his children - this can't be swept under the carpet. The children's mental health has be protected too

Yes, when my father died unexpectedly many years ago my mother became very depressed and probably had a mental breakdown (all undiagnosed). I had to come home every day and at best dm would be lying in bed with her face to the wall, and at worst being told that she wished it had been me who had died and not df. When I tried to speak to a bereavement line dm pulled the telephone out of the wall.

Accordingly to some on this thread all the sympathy should be with my dm...

How dare you suggest that the OP would be responsible for anyone's suicide?

I have said absolutely NO SUCH THING Rolo. You need to work on your reading comprehension.

No I'm not the "depression whisperer". What a stupid thing to say. I have been very clear in opposing specific comments that have been made. The fact that you don't see any of the ignorance displayed on this thread just proves my point.

My nieces and nephew mother had bipolar depression, the neglect that they suffered because of this. They virtually had to fend for themselves and grow up before their time. Having to watch your mum commit suicide, and tolerated the squalor they had to live in is awful. My brother left her, but they would not come and live with him, they remained loyal to their mother. One by one they came when they were in their teens, and now my nieces are thriving, doing so well, but my nephew has what his mum had, and also aswell drug and alcohol issues.

I used to stay sometimes when I was a teenager, there was a certain doom and gloom in the house. You felt miserable yourself, and down, so how those kids felt, I never know. So yes I totally understand where op is coming from, she probably worded her title wrongly though.

I'm bi-polar but couldn't agree with you more OP!

I think that I'd be depressed if you were a member of my family.

Thing is, there are many people with depression who probably have it with something else. I remember with some of my ex-friends from university when I got depression as a result of a serious family illness and break-up I didn't get much sympathy as it wasn't my job to be depressed?! That is there were people who were allowed to be in the depressed box and were accepted as such even if they could be arseholes at times but I somehow wasn't as I wasn't supposed to be in the depressed box. I thought they would be empathic to my plight but to my dismay barely a handful were.

There are some personalities out there who don't think that other peoples are allowed to have feelings or be validated in them when they are depressed. I made a point to start loosening ties with the 'professional depressives' and widen my social circle.

Your family arent depressed OP, its personality issues that is the problem. Yes certain personality disorders can be treated (not so sure about Narcisstic PD though!) but this doesnt mean they dont have an impact or effect on the family. Yes you worded the title wrong but comments such as claraelsas above I think that I'd be depressed if you were a member of my family are just sheer nasty and uncalled for.

Horrible people get cancer.

Horrible people get depression.

Horrible people sometimes have their limbs amputated.

Sometimes horrible people's kids get sick.

Bad things do happen to bad people. But it doesn't follow that every person those things happen to is horrible.

It sounds like an awful time you had OP and your family sound rotten. But I have to say some people with depression have been the kindest most supportive loveliest friends I have ever had.

You need to understand your family are bad people because they're bad people, not because they have depression.