AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

What a vile, self absorbed person you are!!!!!!

You had awful post depression but hv no sympathy for people with depression...?! You have family problems you mean...

OPs title may have been misjudged but if you read the OP and have just an ounce of empathy and comprehension skills you would have been able to see what she meant.

But no, stick the boot it to make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy and superior to someone who sounds as if she is in genuine distress and at the end of her tether. Well done!

OP your family sound like cunts, not depressed.

It's a funny thing. People just tend to think about the sufferer and that illness is used to excuse so much bad behaviour and family are just expected to put up with it or they get their arse handed to them if they dare complain

FucksSakeSusan I am surprised that someone clearly so kind as you, who would never want to have a rant about how a family member's illness has affected your entire life since childhood, would show a bit more empathy to someone in OP's position. Or do carers not deserve any support themselves?

I get it OP. There's a a point when you have to build stronger walls around yourself for self-preservation. I am nearly there myself.

Of course people with MH issues deserve to have the support and care they need. But equally those around them deserve the same thing too. And in our current society there is just not enough support and care to go around.

From your post it sounds like it may be more of an issue of other things than just depression. it may be for example they are just not very pleasant people, or have other issues such as a personality disorder as well which might make things difficult.

What BitchPeas said.

Tolerance is also needed for the OP, don't jump down their throats. OP break contact with those family members, they sound horrid.

OP I would have a look at the site Out of the FOG which is for relatives of those with PDs and see if the descriptions seem to fit. HTH. PS You will find people there who understand.

outofthefog.website

I would also say that MH and depression can strike any person: nice or horrid. A mean and nasty person with MH issues is even meaner and nastier. And even more difficult to support.

Completely agree BitchPeas. I think it's very telling though that those attempting to virtue signal are doing so by completely trampling on the feelings of someone who's clearly struggling.

I'm going to say that it sounds more like a personality disorder rather than actual depression too OP.

OP. You are not being unreasonable in regards to your feelings at all, but your wording is a bit off.

just ask for a change in the title op

I don't think you worded your title right.

I have learning difficulties, and really need calm and routine. Something I don't have with my immediate family. One of my sisters has mental health issues and I haven't seen her for 12 years and we barely communicate. I know it's not her fault, but everyone has to walk on eggshells around her and I just can't do that. She can go from being very sunny and nice one moment, to calling me a fucking bitch the next and saying she never wants to talk to me again. And I often don't understand or know why. I received an email from her a few years ago Completely out of the blue saying I must be really unhappy. I wasn't unhappy at all, but she didn't even say hello, ask how I was doing, nothing. So I just do what I need to do to look after myself.

YABU to tar everyone with depression with the same brush.

YANBU to have had enough of your mother / family.

What a vile, self absorbed person you are!!!!!!

did.you actually read the OP?

TBH when I saw the thread title I thought it was going to be one of those click baity threads and was quite astonished to see it was not.

Having said that, I know that having family members with depression can be really hard. I was only out for dinner last night with two friends who were talking about their close family members who are suffering but how difficult it is to put up with them. My friends wife suffers from depression and treats him like total shit sometimes and it's quite hard to watch.

I think you could have worded the title better, but YANBU generally and I think the kicking you have got on here is unfair.

I think I'm reading your OP very differently. Of course it's wrong to claim your experience of depression is anything like other people's expression of depression.

That said, there are attention seeking wankers who claim to have depression just to seem "interesting" or force others to pander to them. Like "oh you've had a bad week, let me tell you about how bad my week was I wanted to kill myself". It's impossible for people on the internet or even you to know if someone is attention seeking or genuinely depressed.

In my experience, my friends who have struggled / continue to struggle with depression feel dead inside and often just go quiet. One friend for example, if I don't hear from her for over 2 weeks it's likely she's going through a bad patch. She doesn't call and complain about her situation or draw attention to herself. But that may not be universal.

I do also know people who just say bullshit like "oh I'm so OCD", "oh I'm so depressed" etc etc or oh my god I feel like I'm bipolar. It's just callous chat and they genuinely don't know what it is like to suffer.

So, I don't think YABU. But you can't accuse them of lying. Just disengage, know you won't get support from them. Find your own support independently. And everytime they complain tell them to get professional help but that you are not qualified to help them.

Completely agree BitchPeas. I think it's very telling though that those attempting to virtue signal are doing so by completely trampling on the feelings of someone who's clearly struggling.

Yes, definitely some big time virtue signalling going on on this thread!

You have my sympathy OP. It is hard, You have riled some posters on here but suspect you have hit close to home to some with some of them and it makes uncomfortable reading to hear the impact their depression may have on other family members

I hope you never end up with depression and feel like someone should be there for you.

They can't help it and obviously want someone to talk to. They need help and think family can be there for them.

Walk away if you can't be bothered to listen to them but don't be surprised if something terrible happens.

Read the fucking thread.

And how DARE you threaten the OP with being responsible for someone taking their life.

How manipulative and self serving.

I do understand a little where you're coming from. I have a friend who has behaved appallingly to me and we're all meant to understand because she's depressed. I don't think it gives you carte blanche to treat people badly.

YANBU op, so sad you had a childhood where you felt emotionally manipulated by your mothers threats to commit suicide, not what any child should have to go through. I suffer with depression and anxiety but that doesn't mean I think my family should bear the brunt and responsibility of managing my feelings, I don't think anyone should. Indeed if you read books on anxiety in particular, they all advise taking responsibility and not being overly passive and dependant on others to sort out your life for you.

YANBU to want to protect yourself and your family from the impact of your mum and brother's mental illness.

YABU to try want to try to change them or to get them to snap out of it somehow, because it won't work. A lot of their behaviour doesn't even sound like depression and whatever it is you can't fix it. Nor should you try to. It's not your job, it really isn't.

YANBU to want them to be a supportive family who will provide emotional support when you need it. But they've shown you time and time again that they can't do it. They're just not capable. So you need to accept that too.

If you don't like the way they behave, disengage and let them get on with it without your involvement. As long as you're allowing them to manipulate you, you're still involved in the dynamic and on some level enabling their behaviour. So change your phone number and block them on social media. This does not have to be a life sentence for you.