AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

I understand what you are saying. I have struggled with depression and must have been a complete pain in the arse to live and work with - uncommunicative, defensive, forgetful, self-absorbed. To others you can appear completely selfish, standoffish and rude, because you've put up glass around yourself, basically (in my experience).

That said, just because someone has mental health issues doesn't mean they're not also a twat.

You can depressed and a complete git.

OP don't leave your thread. Ignore the precious lot who love to stick the boot in over wording in a fucking title.

Like it or not depressed people can be hell to care for and people can damn well moan about it if they want. It's a selfish illness and sometimes you have to think of your own mental health.

It doesn't sound as if your problem is depression OP. Your family are just bellends... which you still can be, depressed or not. In fact your mother sounds like mine. Low contact, I can't recommend it enough

Ignore the precious lot who love to stick the boot in over wording in a fucking title.

It's not 'precious' to point out that it's grossly insensitive to say 'I have no time for people with '.

You sound like the sort of person who talks about 'political correctness gorn mad', tbh.

I don't care what I sound like tbh. It was blatantly obvious the OP came for support but of course can't let that get in the way of a good pitchfork. Maybe try actually reading the posts rather than knee jerking all over the shiip.

I understand you OP. Your mother may or may not be suffering from depression. What she definitely is is abusive. So, given the circumstances, I fully understand your desire to protect yourself from her.

Maybe you're making them more depressed with your horrible attitude?

I could have wrote this thread dli hope it's around later so I can have a proper read. My mums always had 'depression' although I suspect it's more like a personality disorder. She generally can't bear to see anything good happen to other people. Every so often she'll have a huge blow out, usually when someone else has something brilliant going on (wedding etc) the attention has to be on her. We have had enough. My sister has always been sympathetic but even she is seeing through it all now. My dad is leaving (although my mum is kicking off and saying she will now just live in a refuge) she's alienated all her sisters so she is very close to being on her own. Gotta go hopefully I can catch up later.

Jellybean85

Good post, and very true.

My daughter behaves a bit like that, Looney. She has attachment disorder. I think it's a very primal need for control over what's happening. We are helping her to understand that those feelings need to be acted on in a different way though.

you have every reason to feel the way you do.

Wow there is a lot of things I sympathise with in your op but to generalise everyone with depression because of your experience with your family is just wrong.

I also don't agree with the "my husband doesn't do depression"?? What? I'm sure he would have eaten those words if he was now bringing up your child without you if you hadn't been able to overcome your pnd.

Everyone deals with mh differently and you just have to accept that. The relationship you have with your family does sound toxic and possibly the best for all of you is to go your separate ways but that's a decision only you can make.

Oh god I could pick holes in a lot of what you said but I don't have the time or the patience.

I'm glad you feel better now but I don't think your post is about people with depression but more your exasperation about the lack of support your family have shown you in your time of need.

I have been suicidal with depression - but I know what you mean.

As someone said upthread, that kind of crap from your family sounds more like borderline personality disorder. I lived through years of trying to support my BPD (now ex-)husband. It's exhausting and it doesn't work. Honestly? Minimise contact.

No YANBU your family sound like bloody hard work!
But I would get the title of your thread changed.

Depression is awful but from some of what you've said I would wonder if that is all that's going on with your Mum,she sounds very manipulative.

You do what you have to do to protect your own mental health

Your attitude towards people with mental health issues horrible and sadly all too common. Would you tell a cancer patient to just stop having cancer?

I don't think you're heartless OP. Growing up in a family surrounded by depression must have been really difficult, and I think almost impossible for anyone who hasn't experienced that to understand.

My sister had anorexia when we were young, and it really affected the entire family for years. I used to be very envious of her receiving (what I saw as) a lot of nice attention and treats that she got in return for (again, what I then saw as) not behaving as well as I did.

Depression is a tricky one, and I'm not sure infinite sympathy is always the best way to help someone's recovery. Personally, I have found that firm but kind reminders of what's good in life, and not being overly excusing of behaviour that affects others is the best course of action.

for you.

You've had PND, you understand depression and how it turns people inward & exhausts them. It doesnt seem you have no sympathy for people with depression at all, that was a poorly worded title and people are jumping on it. Your family are using depression as an excuse to act appallingly badly, whether they have it or not. Just look after yourself and get some distance and don't get involved in their drama.

Depression affects people in different ways. DD2 tried to fake it and make herself positive but that just made her worse. She ended up suicidel. She has come through now with support from us and her boyfriend and some professional help. So YABVU to just right off everyone with depression. It's an illness

The problem is not just the title. Far from it. OP, you need to very carefully examine your attitude to mental health issues. You whole post is a very good example of how far we have to come as a society on this issue. People just do not understand it.

Some people are selfish. Some of those people happen to have depression as well. It sounds like your mum is selfish, but not because she is ill.

I faked it till I made it

You do not "fake" your way out of depression. It is a serious illness. Often fatal, in fact. Do the people who don't get better just not try hard enough? Would you say the same about someone with any other illness?

"I had cancer and I went into remission, I'm fine now. AIBU to think my relatives who dies from cancer just weren't trying hard enough?"

Mental illness isn't taken seriously enough and your attitude really doesn't help anyone. Why don't you FOTTFSOFATFOSM.

gamerchick "OP don't leave your thread. Ignore the precious lot who love to stick the boot in over wording in a fucking title."

precious lot 😐😐😐 Do you mean people with depression/mental health problems/CPTSD triggered by goady and frankly insensitive thread titles like this one? "Precious" my arse.

Dont have the thread deleted op, I have a father with depression i take nothing to do with him, he knocked mymother about for years and tried strangling her before she evetually left him, then she died 2 years later, I cant excuse the fact that he had depression for treating her like a cunt for years, my sister disagrees and says its his depression, but i am sorry I do not buy into that, I dont talk to him.

Yes, precious. It's a thread title and funnily enough there are people on it who saw past a bunch of words. Next to a thread there's this little magic button that makes it disappear without reading it.

I hear you.

Ok, you've written it with the tact and diplomacy of a housebrick to the face but I totally understand what you're saying. My mother is exactly the same. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. It has had devastating effects on far more people than just her. She's an emotional black hole. Yanbu to feel the way you do (but you need better words ).

But it is incredibly hard to live with someone with MH issues. Does the sufferer have the right to ruin someone else's life? And I have experienced this. In spades, actually.

MH should be treated as best as it can, but honestly someone's issues should not trump - or at least not wholly flatten - other family members' ability to live their lives on an even keel.