AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

Having experienced close relatives with MH problems and suffered because of it, you are neither BU nor goady. There is a lot wrong with your posts but, in all honesty, I think the people better qualified to tell you that are those of us who have suffered like you have rather than those who have suffered with depression.

However.

The behaviours your relatives are exhibiting aren't because they're depressed, honestly. They're bullshitting you. You shouldn't believe your mother when she comes out with all that crap.

And there's nothing wrong with doing what you need to do to protect yourself. As a pp said, this is about your ill family making you ill. It's ok to remove yourself from that, just as it would be ok not to nurse them if they had some contagious physical disease that you might catch if you were nearby. Or not to lift them if they were immobile and it would fuck your back.

Christ I wish people would actually read the OP and think for a second before knee jerk reactions.

OP YANBU. They way your family have treated you is terrible. Whether depressed or not, your mother used the threat of suicide as emotional blackmail and manipulation throughout your childhood, there is no excuse for that.

They don't sound like they add much to your life. I'd be thinking about reducing contact.

It's kind of sad really that even with the OPs obvious suffering some posters are still keen to tell her it's not valid compared to someone with depression.

What you have OP is years of living WITH depression. You even developed it yourself .

Depression can become a self destructive disease. A lot depends upon your past, the people you currently have around you and your own resilience.

It's taken me years to gain an understanding of myself and begin to climb out of the more.
Like you I am fortunate to have people around me who support that.

I do think I will continue to have depression but now I can live again and that's fab.

Some people by dint of their life experience will sadly get stuck in victim mode (possibly your Mum Is one of those). Being the child of a parent who is not emotionally available on a consistent basis is unsettling.

I think what you are seeing is all the above.

Try to rise above your Mum and her comments , see them for what they are. They are the unfair rantings of a woman who has never escaped that victim mode. It's pitiable but still horrible for you.

So...YABU but YANBU.

Personally for yourself it isn't unreasonable to feel this way.

It is only unreasonable of you apply it broadly.

I don't think you're awful or any of the other pelters which will have been thrown at you.

Your family don't sound very nice. Your Mum in particular - and it can be challenging enough caring for people with MHI when your relationship with them is good. As PP have said, unpleasant people get depression too so it could be one or the other or a mix of both.

I'm so sorry it didn't feel like you had any support when you were suffering with PND. I've been there and I know how awful it can be.

I agree that the problem with this thread is the title.

You are absolutely NBU to be worn down by a family who expect your support, but didn't give any when you needed it.

I have suffered crippling depression. I considered suicide on occasions, and there are times even now when I feel so tired and devoid of joy that to go to sleep and not wake up feels like an option.

BUT, like you, I try to be proactive. I know what makes it worse and what helps.

I had a neighbour who ate processed crap and watched horror films in bed through the day, with the curtains closed. If I'd approached my illness in this way, I would most certainly be dead by now, and my children would be motherless.

Even with depression, certain choices can be made (by adults Toysaurus, obviously a child doesn't have the skills. I hope you and your child received all the support you needed )... although it's so much more of an effort and there are still times when you just need to withdraw completely.

I would NEVER have told my children, or husband that I was thinking about dying though. I once worked with an 8 year old child whose mother repeatedly threatened suicide, the effects on the child were horrendous .

I hope you are not seeing gin bottles in my message OP. I am using the Android app and it wasn't what I pressed.

I don't think your mother is depressed op, just a very unpleasant person, and you need to protect your own mental health and your own family by distancing yourself and stop beating yourself up about not fitting into your mother's version of depression.
Look after yourself and your children first.

YANBU.

The majority of people with depression are not arseholes, but it would appear that your mother is. Sounds like it might be mixed in with a healthy dose of a personality disorder of some sort.

I don't think you are unreasonable - living with someone who is depressed is a living nightmare.

Your relatives sound awful.
You are not responsible for them though, and you are allowed to walk away.

I can understand this a bit . Some people love to play a victim and I actually have depression. I've been through awful shit the past few years and at one point I rarely left my bed for 6 month's. I lost everything. My kids , my relationship, my dog , my home . But I find I take it til I make it constantly because the alternative is a pity party for one where everyone around you gets invited.
Many with depression are self absorbed and don't really help themselves . It can become tiring in their company . I think in this life so many people have depression now it's almost "normal" the term is used freely for just by Not feeling yourself.

Don't get it deleted.
YOU deserve support and somewhere to talk too.
It sounds as if there has been no space for your feelings and emotions because everyone else in your family comes first.

I have suffered from depression most of my life. I have no problem admitting that depression can make people seem selfish and self obsessed. Also having a MH issue doesn't turn horrible selfish people into nice ones.

It is HARD living with someone with depression and shutting down their carers/relatives is unkind and unhelpful.

Depression is an illness and so is MS, Arthritis and diabetes.
But if someone with MS is being a fucking arse you wont get flamed on MN for saying so.

Your family problems likely have nothing to do with depression.

You have had depression, understood what it is like and did everything to have it treated.

Your mum has not and has used the word 'depression' as a stick to beat and manipulate you with your whole life. Whether she has depression or not is anyone's guess - she is probably more likely to have a diagnosis such as borderline but may not have any diagnosis at all and just be a nasty person who is unable to create healthy relationships.

Given your Nan was the same, it's likely your mum learnt this from her and was damaged in childhood. Ditto your brother.

It would be interesting to know what happened to your nan but sometimes this behaviour can be tracked back generations, each learning how to be a crap parent and partner.

I have pandered to her for years - she would threaten suicide if she wasn't getting her own way even when I was young. I worried and wrote letters begging her not to. I've arranged things to do and she just moans and bitches about the things behind my back. She's been particularly horrible about my second pregnancy and something just turned off. I literally am done facilitating her. So I'm a bad daughter. I get it. But it takes two to build a positive relationship and I'm fed up of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. It's exhausting!

^ This is not just depression... infact I would be inclined to say it is not depression at all (and myself and my close family included all suffer from depression).

Your mother is simply a nasty person, and no you are not being unreasonable for not wanting to put up with it. The thing is OP she is your mother and although you should be there to help her out, you do not NEED to be. There are plenty of threads on here about people going NC with their mothers. If she threatens to kill herself because you say "Mum I just cannot do this anymore you are destroying me with your behaviour" you are not responsible for if she was to take the action she has said (I also highly doubt the fact that she would).

Write a new thread op.

I am in a very similar situation. My mother has depression which I do not wish on anybody and it is a terrible disease. What you're describing is a personality disorder that I agree, you have to protect yourself from. After thirty years of pandering to dms daily whims and moans and nasty put downs, I once up and left and didn't come back for three months (before that we were in contact daily)

I am much stronger now and we don't see each other as much. She is still nasty but I can cope with it as I choose when to see her.

You need to find coping mechanisms.

YANBU in that living with a person with depression is hard. My late dm suffered from depression and at times it could be a difficult relationship. I hope you get some support. I think there should be more help for people suffering depression as it seems to be affecting so many people.

Totally agree about learning to separate the depression from the character traits. I have a sister with severe MH issues. She is also a total twat. The 2 things are mutually exclusive. MH related behaviours I have patience with, show understanding and compassion, but when she's just being a prize twat, I have zero time for that. It's taken me a long time to distinguish between the 2, but now I can, I don't feel like bitch of the year whenever I tell her to stop acting a dick.

Genuine depression is an illness, extremely difficult for the sufferer and their loved ones. Not everyone who says they are 'depressed' suffers from depression, it can be a convenient excuse for selfishness. As Shockers pointed out, people can make choices, get treatment etc.

OP, I don't think you're being goady , I think you're worn out with your mothers selfish behaviour.

Hi jelly. Have you had a look at the Stately Homes thread ? I think you'd be able to get advice there about dealing with your family - plus support that is ongoing. Good luck

OP It sounds like Narcissism is what drives your family's toxic behaviour, not depression (although they may well be suffering from depression too).

You need advice on how to go low contact/no contact, so I'd suggest either re-posting or asking for your thread title to be changed. As it is at the moment, your unfortunately worded title and original post are goady and triggering.

for you OP. It sounds very difficult to deal with.

Like others have said, it sounds like your mother is a nasty and manipulative person, depression or no depression. Is she getting any treatment for her depression?

Also when you say your husband doesn't "do" depression, do you mean he didn't support you with your PND? That's not good at all.

Depression is an illness like any other. I have family members with depression too. But they are nothing like your family. Sometimes I find it frustrating that they can't just shake it off. I struggle to understand it because I've never been depressed. As soon as I catch myself thinking that sort of thing I remind myself they can no more shake off depression than I can shake off my cancer. It's completely different to just feeling sad or gloomy about something and then feeling better. But they're never nasty to other people or anything like that. It's mostly self criticism and believing they are not good enough, that sort of thing.

I think it's sensible to take a step back from your mum given her behaviour. You need to protect your own mental health first.

OP I am sure you have had a massive shit kicking and I wont add to it

I am sure being in your family cant be the easiest of experience

But girl, time to educate yourself a bit!

I get what you are saying

I agree with Maria and Calyrical. If these people are really depressed, I'm amazed they have the energy and desire to actively be so unkind. The manipulation certainly sounds like it is some other kind of mental illness. In answer to the pp who had severe PND, there are degrees of PND. You can feel very low and worthless and numb without any joy in your life, which can be extremely debilitating, without necessarily wanting to kill yourself or your children.

One of the challenges of living with people with mental illness is it's not like having a broken leg, in that if you do you go to the doctor's and do anything you can to have it fixed. The nature of some mental illnesses is that part of the illness means some people don't/can't seek treatment or are prepared or able to take the steps to try and improve their condition. That can be very difficult for the people around them to deal with as it seems obvious to them (not to the person with depression) that you need to take steps to get better.

Rather than just flaming the OP, why not just try and offer some constructive advice. She's struggling too. And it's clear that she's not trying to slam all people with depression, just at the end of her tether with people who really don't seem very nice.
OP, if you are able to, it really might help you to have some counselling. If your family are manipulative/narcissistic, they will have trained you to not assert yourself/take responsibility for their bad behaviour. Counselling can help you to see these behaviours for what they are. You might also accept that these people will never give you the empathy and caring you are looking for, and provide for them, simply because they may not be able to.