AIBU to struggle with family's MH needs? [Title edited by MNHQ]

[Jellymuffin]

My mum, brother and late Nan all have depression which manifests itself as not taking any responsibility for their actions, accepting NO criticism in and area, being massively jealous and negative about everyone - even family and friends and generally expecting everyone else to be responsible for their happiness while being vile to them.

I've had enough of unthoughtful comments, especially from my mum, and I don't want to be in the pity party anymore. I had awful post natal depression and got literally no sympathy. When I tried to talk to my mum about it she tried to out do me by telling me she'd attempted suicide. I had non of the attributes my family portray and instead felt dead inside, not good enough and very hard on MYSELF not others.

I faked it till I made it, tried to be positive and pulled through (my husband doesn't really do depression unlike my dad who is a total enabler to my mum) I know I am lucky but I just don't have time for those who don't at least try to sort themselves and almost revel in having an excuse to behave however they want. So, am I an awful daughter as my mum suggests in her passive aggressive Facebook posts?

gamerchick How about trying to be a bit MORE patronising? Because I don't think you've quite nailed it with this: "Yes, precious. It's a thread title and funnily enough there are people on it who saw past a bunch of words. Next to a thread there's this little magic button that makes it disappear without reading it."

I did "see past the bunch of words" and suggested to the OP that her family sounds narcissistic rather than depressed. But before I posted in an attempt to be helpful I was already feeling triggered by the thread title.

So pressing the "little magic button" (you can shit right off with that patronising tone btw) is too late because the title is the first thing you see, before you can hide a thread.

Next time you call people "precious", maybe try mustering up some understanding first.

In order for a personality disorder to be "treated" the sufferer has to acknowledge there is something wrong. I can only speak about bpd but a borderline with insight is a rare beastie. I should imagine insight in the others would be rare too. The other way to "treatment" would to be low functioning and a danger to yourself or others, like other psychiatric patients. My high functioning bpd mother thinks the very notion that there's anything wrong with her is hilarious. She's a smart, intelligent professional woman with an insatiable need for emotional attention in whatever form she can get it (she quite likes benzodiazepines too!). She's a big fan of parasuicide when she's not getting her own way. What a perfect way to punish people for simply existing. She hates me because I have the temerity to look and behave like my father, which I probably do just to cause her emotional distress. She has said some of the most horrendous things to me and they are all branded, white hot, on the inside. She has ruined me and she's the reason I seek nothing from anyone. I ended my relationship with her almost ten years ago when she turned her crosshairs on my children. It will snow on the hills of hell before I sacrifice myself or my children to feed her and I give not a single fuck if anyone disapproves.

I am fully supportive of people suffering from depression but it is very very wrong to tell anyone that they have to accept abusive behaviour from a sufferer. Depression does not give anyone carte blanche to behave without boundaries.

Jelly I know where you are coming from. My ex was like your family and it got to the point where he was incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive - not just to me, he was constantly awful to his parents about things that happened years ago. Suicide threats were a regular thing. He kept turning it around to making me responsible for making him feel better - he'd reached a point where he'd spend hours ranting on in an utterly paranoid manner about all and sundry and the way they had it in for him. i tried to persuade him to go and seek more help, but apparently they'd not be able to help him any more than me. Friends also tried to persuade him and he said the right things then fell straight back into role as soon as they left.

Yes, depression is horrific for the person with depression, but that doesn't mean that their loved ones are obliged to be their whipping boys in perpetuity. You are allowed to distance yourself if the relationship dynamic is unhealthy for everyone involved, which it is, in your case.

OP Your "depressed" family sounds toxic and all the signs point to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (although obviously it's not ideal getting a diagnosis by a bunch of internet strangers). Apologies if I've missed this but have you ever had counselling? Your term "faking it" sounds more like you've stuffed any depressed (or "negative", in your family's eyes) feelings down and down until you "made it". You probably know that stuffing feelings is very unhealthy and this is where counselling could help.

You will never get an appropriate amount of support or sympathy from a family member with NPD. It's like expecting a fish to walk on land.

Sadly by your DH "not really doing depression" it sounds as though you've buried your PND for his sake too, as in his own way he's added to your belief that it's not ok for you to be depressed. You must feel fit to burst.

As someone that's been there, my advice is that you MUST put your mental health ahead of everything else, before it's too late. Go low contact (look up "grey rock") with your family for now, do go and see your GP and ask about counselling, and look after yourself first and foremost.

I don't think it's depression you don't have time for, I think it's (probably) narcissistic family who will drain you and drain you. You need to detach from them and get help for yourself. 💐

You were triggered by the thread title but decided to click on it and read more anyway? ok then.

I can only speak about bpd but a borderline with insight is a rare beastie

It really is, it does happen though I think. But a pp said earlier it's like an emotional black hole. It's true it's exhausting to deal with.

Triggered?
Sorry no.
You read the thread title and it pissed you off. That is perfectly valid but can we lay of the triggering please?

Depression is a common condition so there will be lots of us reading this thread.
I can see nothing triggering in it.

The OP is describing her awful relatives who may or may not be depressed. She is talking about them. This thread is not about me or you or anyone's sister or best mate.

Agree with FlyingElbows and PickAChew. There has been much increased coverage of Mental Health issues recently, which is good, but on the flip side there seems to have grown up an "I'm untouchable" mentality, however that impacts on other people.

I grew up with an "untouchable" sibling. Having to tolerate anything for fear of said sibling threatening all sorts left its mark. Other siblings had to pretend they did worse than they did in exams, agree that they were fat/ugly, lose on purpose at any game - all enabled, nay encouraged by parent so "fragile" sibling did not go into meltdown.

Even thinking about it makes me and

gamerchick and TheFirstMrsDV

How dare you tell me when I may or may not be triggered. How DARE you. You have no clue about what MH problems I have and what triggers flashbacks. The bloody presumption! "I see nothing triggering here"? I'm delighted for you. But don't EVER assume that what goes on in your head is the same as what goes on in someone else's.

I am well aware that this thread isn't about me which is why like many other people here I am trying to help Jelly. But with you two deciding what does and does not trigger me, I'm off.

YOU AnBu but your chosen thread title is unreasonable. That is true you don't have to be your mums whipping boy, and you have recognised some co dependant traits that you are avoiding. However, no point in looking down on ALL people with depression as not everyone can pull through- as you put it- some hours they can and some they can't.

Honestly, your mum's behaviour sounds much more like an undiagnosed personality disorder than depression...

a borderline with insight is rare

I have BPD, but I can agree with that.

Jellymuffin - thank you for getting this deleted

I think it's horrible how some people have suggested that you should stay away from people with personality disorders at all costs if you can... We aren't all evil, heartless monsters...

For sure, OPs family sound horrible and she should distance herself. But let's not tar everyone with the same brush.

YABU to assume all people with depression are like your mum/it's possible to get better through positive thinking.

YANBU to be pissed off with your family. Just because someone has a mental illness doesn't mean that they are a 'nice' person. Some people do use it as an excuse to be bastards to everyone else. Being mentally unwell only absolves someone of responsibility for their actions in a very small minority of cases. Your family sound manipulative.

I have been struggling with severe depression- lots of drugs and help has led to me improving…positive thinking ran out of steam fairly early on. My mum has the whole competition thing too. I never tell her anything about what's going on in my life, but if things get worse for me then of course, I make her a lot worse and she never fails to tell me all about it which in turn makes me feel guilty, even worse etc.

Your mother needs to take responsibility for her own actions. You are not responsible for her. If she wants to kill herself that is down to her. Being passive aggressive etc on FB is not on, I'd minimise contact with such a person. Good luck to you.

Oh give it a rest IHate
I didn't say you were not upset. I am just sick of people using 'triggering' to force people to shut up about their feelings and experiences.

Shall I troll around MN telling people to stop talking about their kids because its 'triggering'

Depression is a mental illness not a disease.

Some people have no hope when it comes to depression unfortunately, but it is easy to say from the outside 'fake it till you make it'

but I do agree and think and KNOW when you get a taste of depression it feels better to wallow in it then get motivated and try fix it, partly because you have no motivation. This is from someone who suffered depression badly, wouldn't wash myself for weeks.

Luckily I got out of it , other's might not be that lucky.

The title of this thread needs to be changed to AIBU to be done with my family. My first thought was a big 'fuck you' to the OP, given that I suffer fro, depression and 'faking it until I make it' frankly isn't an option. Sadly there are arseholes everywhere, with and without depression, and whilst I have empathy for the situation in OP is in, I find sweeping generalisations like the thread title not helpful in fighting the MH stigma that exists.

OP please get this thread title changed, it's truly upsetting for some of us who battle depression on a daily basis. I've suffered with it since I was 15, I'm now in my 40s and part of me can't believe I'm still seeing the same lack of awareness about MH that I did when I was first diagnosed.

NB: I don't find it triggering, just saddening.

I HAVE had depression! As a teen I did the whole no self care, can't face the world when I had a breakdown but was always told I wasn't depressed, just attention seeking. I saw a counsellor once and they dared questioned my 'perfect' (as is always been told they were and any disagreement was my issue) and I shut down and never went back. My worst nightmare is to be locked in a dark room with only my thoughts. I suppose I have suppressed it all but I have HAD to fake it until it went away to an extent I could function (ditto when I had PND). I suppose it's the wallowing and using it as an excuse to treat people however they like that in done with. You have to TRY at least to make yourself better and do your best to carry on. I had to at least.

Perfect parents even - sorry. I thought I had the problem because even though I loved them so much and they told me daily how lucky I was to have them, I used to hide at middle school after it closed so I didn't have to go home.

Jelly I get what you're saying, but please don't assume everyone's experiences of depression are the same. What works for some won't work for others. You were able to 'power through' it, that's fantastic for you but some people truly can't. I'm a single parent to 2 boys and I have days when I literally can't parent them but thankfully I have a support network who can pitch in and help. I possibly have BPD too and am seeking treatment for that too so absolutely not wallowing in it. I am, however doing my damndest to make sure my boys aren't affected by it. Your family sound like the people who cheat then blame their depression for it, depression or any other mental illness does NOT give you carter Blanche to be an arsehole but I hope you gathered that from other posts on here.

Glad the thread title has been changed now.

Honestly, your mum's behaviour sounds much more like an undiagnosed personality disorder than depression.

This.

Anything can be triggering to an individual which is horrible for the individual but does not mean that nothing that could potentially be upsetting should never be written about again

Jelly.

I can see what's happened. I'm so sorry you've had to endure such toxicity hidden under the guise of depression when it was clearly you suffering with it. But hey, he focus must always be on them. No?

It's your turn now. To remove yourself from that, permanently (they won't change) and start to heal.

XX

I'm really glad the title has been changed and am glad to see you've had some more sensible and compassionate posts.

It sounds like you've been so conditioned to put your (awful) family first that you've somehow lost yourself along the way. It's ok to look after yourself and to put yourself first for once.

Another suggestion - it may not be for you, but have a think about whether you might want to try some sort of therapy. You could find it hugely helpful

On the issue of triggering, I do know a bit about triggers myself from my own experience - I have severe anxiety and C-PTSD.

I certainly wouldn't presume to tell anyone what they should and shouldn't be triggered by because I know it could be anything.

Regardless of that, ranting all over a thread in an attempt to shut down discussion and attacking other posters is absolutely not ok.

Yanbu to put your own wellbeing and your child's first. Yanbu to be angry with family members who use their mental health problems as a way to deflect all responsibility for crap behaviour. You don't have to be in the pity party, or the enabling party. You are actually allowed to be happy.